My Own WORST ENEMY-Lit

Yellow flower
Originally uploaded by poesie.

Today

Was very confusing

I ran into the pool with intents of
soothing myself

Turning over....
Side to side

Gazing down deep
into the blue
For the very first time this year
I dove into the deep end
Sensing
the Coldness of
the depth

I lay in the BLue
for three hours
Listening
To Lifehouse
CD's

Slap yourself Girl.....
Get out

I searched for a novel
finding one only pages begun

Sank deeper
into something that I had no idea would hit me sooooo close to home...
I could not put it down...

One summer I just layed around and read novels
and cried in the yard...

For some odd unknown reason...it felt good.
Today..it did the same for me.

No words on H's return home
and an hour goes by ..... with a surprising extended reach of words
he suggests that we go out for a drink...

Sure...whatever

We will sit
over cocktails
him eating...
going over his day
his job
his projects
his conference calls
his "people'
his drama

...as if NOTHING phases him
...as if Nothing ever happens to me

I will be the one smoking
...watching others
...wondering
...who they are...

Did they have a huge fight last night?
Did she sleep on the couch?
Did she float in the pool all day long, only to climb the stairs out and find a good book
...to cry with.

Yes...I am my own worst enemy
It is all inside my head
Every good thing
Every dream

Every Bad thing
Every nightmare

How do I stop this??
The images are sooo painful.

I dove down into the cold, deep depth of the pool...and wanted to stay there...
I did the dead man's float and it felt sooo good...

But I always come up again...
Tonight, I guess it is for cocktails and hordevours.

(Like my spelling!?)