Sweetness-Jimmy Eat World

DePrEsSeD
Originally uploaded by MeZaJeYeH.

I realize that I have blogged to this lyric before...
but out on a walk tonight...with H's iPod (I have none...I am the only one in the family without...because I am the frugal one) I listened to this compilation of songs...and EVERY SINGLE SONG reminded me of someone...something...

2nd day of no 17...and an argument ensued about the very fact that I cleaned HIS room. Now I thought that I was doing him a wonderful favor...dusting...cleaning...folding clothes off the floor. Come on now here...I need to get my mind on something besides my depression. So when H pulled into the drive I excalimed...."WOW, baby, you should see what a great job I did on 17's room!"
He totally blasted me....couldn't even look in my eyes...said I had crossed the line by cleaning someone else's room.

So I mixed a drink...watched him pace around...outside/inside...that is what he does when he is unhappy with me...and after two Rum and Cokes...I strapped on the iPod and walked....3 miles...very fast...and every song reminds me of someone...or something...to BLOG to.

I eventally come home to silence and gloom...he is still putzing in the garage and around the house...scowling at my every move....and I sit on the porch with the windows open-finally a comfortable 65 degrees...blasting my Sony-Under the Counter CD player to drown my pain...and some more Rum and Cokes...

I find myself thinking of my very first boyfreind..well...not MY first...but I was HIS first.

He picked me up on a night that I had been dumped...by another...waiting in the wings.

He slipped his arm around me...me a senior in high school..him just a year younger. I did not know what to think...my usual self! We started out strong...spent many nights alone in his car...and his room. My parents did not care for him...as with many other of my boyfreinds. (MY first serious boyfreind was Hispanic and looked exactly like CHICO...from CHICO and the MAN...Freddy Prinz look alike-more on him later)

I broke him in...at the Pfister Hotel on my prom night...a room, a view...in a historic hotel...a historic evening....his very first time...was not the best for me...but I am glad I was his first...you always remember your first I hear. I will always remember him as well. I will also remember the very LAST time we did it. We had broken up, and we knew it was a "Break Up" make out. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks as the final moment occured. It was moving. He said later, that it was the very best one. GOD...how ironic.

I see him about three times a year...at his restauraunt. I purposly go there...to catch his eye...have a few martinis...and smile.
I will stop there next week..I need a fix.

So I sit and think...about SHIT...and after staring at H pace....I feel like strapping on my baby blue Adidas and walking another 3 miles...far, far away
But I drink some more...RUM and Cokes..with no lime...and continue soaking in H's critisism.

GOD...I hate him when he does this.

So I press my wrist against my nose and take in the sweet scent of a new scent that I just got at Marshall Fields last week....it doesn't transform me...but I've got time.

"So tell me what do I need when the words lose their meaning.
I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.
Yeah, stumble until you crawl.
Sinking into sweet uncertainty.

If you're listening.
Are you listening?
Sing it back.

What a dizzy dance.
This sweetness will not be concerned with me.
No the sweetness will not be concerned with."
-Jimmy Eat World