Barbie Girl-Aqua

One would think that with a four day weekend a person would be extremely HAPPY
Ummmmm......
NOT

Ever THOUGHT you were just turning the pages of life?

Reasons?

1. I thought I would go out and shop for others...get a head start on the holday that I despise. Now it is not that I have that many people to shop for...just a few...I can count them on less than two hands...but it is that I ALWAY want to get that PERFECT gift...and never do. I hold my breath as they open the wrapping....never feeling quite as gleefull as I want to... once the gift is opened. My expectations are set WAY too high. Now really....I could care LESS as to what I get...I just ALWAYS want those that I purchase for, to be GLEEFULL!!!!! So, I am left in a frenzy of tears in the car as I pull away from shop to shop.

I did not find ONE THING for anyone else....but happened to find a wonderful pair of Sigrid Olsen baby ice blue corduroys as well as a Liz Claibourne baby blue tee for myself....damn...I AM SO EASY to buy for!!!!! ONE DAY...shot:((

2. I thought I would clean the ENTIRE house...there is a reason why I NEVER really do this very well...
I HATE IT.
I SHOULD GET A HOUSE CLEANER...I CAN AFFORD IT..L DOES...BUT I DON'T
I JUST DO NOT FEEL THAT I SHOULD WASTE THE $$$$
I WOULD RATHER HIRE A CHEF
YES....I should hire a chef.

I did clean it however...it took two entire days
but I DID IT!!!1
10 minutes later
there was crap in the kitchen
papers on the dining room table
leaves on the floor
dog hair on the rug
...you get the picture
and I found that all that work
just frustrated me
...and made me CRABBY
Mental NOte: NEVER clean Again...it makes you turn into a BITCH

3. I thought I would help H and I traveled to and fro to assist him in getting his SEVERAL "toys" into storage
Firstly...he has too many TOYS
Secondly....yeah...he has too many toys
It caused me to BITCH
each time I took the drive many miles back and forth to the SUPER $$$$$ storage facility
to help him store
HIS TOYS

Mental Note: Buy some TOYS...no...
TAKE A VACATION each year on my OWN
to forget about his TOYS

4. I thought I should do al of my chores but I did not grocery shop
I had an extra hour today to do it....
but
hey
so what.....
I just felt like using my hour for ME

5. I though I would be nice and helped 15 with his Speech project
"HOW TO SNOWBOARD"
Took pictures...with my white down comforter held up in the background for a TOTAL effect of snow
worked VERY hard at this
...wondering why
then I thought
And REMEMBERED
YEAH.....Snowboard Saturdays and SUndays are coming up soon
THERE IS a reason that all three of them have season passes and I DO NOT
I LOVE WINTER
I have soooo much time to myself

6. I tThought I would just take it easy Tonight:
Wine
Dinner
Sadness-
Weekend is over
Happiness-
Weekend is Over!
(SOmetimes I look forward to work more than home...now you can see why!!!!!

This week our statewide testing begins.
This week I begin
to WORK!!!!

OK....
Barbie Girl...one may ask????
I did attend a Weekend Costume Party
with my favorite local band
The Barbeez
and at a point in time
I tried to forget
Who I Really AM

BUT I THOUGHT
and then REALIZED

That
I don't really know WHO i AM

Heard the BUZZ?

Barbie Thinks About Taking A Vacation
No Ken
No Skipper
No SHIT!!!!

White Riot-The Clash

Shy Flamingo
Originally uploaded by ewePixelMonger.

My feathers are Ruffled!

A day filled with excitement and parties and Halloween decorated cupcakes…this “holiday like” atmosphere is almost as good as it gets in a middle school…except for possibly Valentines Day. Students in costumes fill the halls as adult staff members prance around keeping order in ridiculous looking costumes that are purposely intended to either make the kids create hideous screams of fear or fall down laughing.

Yes my dear, this could just quite be “As Good As IT Gets”.

(Wait…RETHINK that statement…)

Yeah, yeah, sure…maybe after a Prozac and a lobotomy!
(Better)

Dressed in my “totally original” Pink Flamingo costume…(no not from the movie with the same title starring Divine…thank you very much…)
but creating my Very own Movie Moments again…I am thinking that this is totally my moment in the sun.

Kids are pointing, everyone smiles, co-workers are mingling as classes change in the hallway. I think that the biggest mistake made here on this day is that everyone is super-charged and pumped on sugar.
Somewhere in between the male Social Studies teacher in the red Incredible’s outfit and pair of tights and my new Math buddy in the Burger King costume slapping each other a high five…. the mood pops like a cherry.
A “not so pleasant” confrontation takes place between a few students and my afternoon soon transfers from idyllic childhood nostalgia to the wrong side of an episode of COPS.

"In this corner, White Ghost"
"In this corner, Bride in White"
-Ding Ding

Now most people realize a chick fight when they see it…and I have seen my share of chic fights…more to last a lifetime. This one must have been over a boy in a Frankenstein outfit, and to tell you the truth… he looks more like Frankenstein when we are NOT celebrating Halloween than on this particular day…if you know what I mean!

Rule #1: When chicks fight…you really need to get out of the way. Someone WILL lose ALL of their hair, and another will loose several pieces of the Press On Nails inside another’s “tanning boothed” bronze skin.

No one on the staff even flinched when they heard the hustle get started….I on the other hand… have an automatic reaction to SAVE the DAY.

I have always enjoyed the quote by John Lehman…
“Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.”

…so I dive right in there.

When all is said and done…no one is hurt…except for some egos…I have saved a student who is so absolutely skinny that I think she is concave, and a boy dressed like Frankenstein gains an even bigger head!
I have also lost half of my feathers in the commotion!

Hmmmm…..

TEACHER TAMES TIFF : COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

Conventioneers-BNL

"It was great fun but it was just one of those things."
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

I needed to get out…I mean…really get out. Get out of my house. Get out of my life. Get out of my skin, for just a moment in time. The problem was that I had no one to do it with and did not want to be out all alone. I didn’t mean to be inviting, yet overheard in conversation… an invitation takes shape.

He is new, just as I am. He is searching for evenings that take his mind off of the day. He is so ordinary that most people have to meet him 6 or 7 times before they remember his name.
And in a blur of conversation, taking place in my room over such topics as needing to “get out”,
HE thinks about it for a moment. It is one of his most irritating habits. Ask him his name and he takes a few seconds to consider his response.

Despite the quirky images I conjure up inside my head when thinking about Him, he wrinkles his forehead, and for some reason it makes him look extra sexy…not that he needs it at this point. This image is not at all about how He looks….just about how he reacts, and how he is about to make my night…someone to go out with…to an event that I need to “get out” to.

…pretty lips, tightened in a defiant smirk, he answers, “Of course!” I didn’t even think that I had asked a question.

And so…the scene from MY movie…develops

So there, at the club, in a ballroom depressingly under lit yet full enough to keep them uncomfortably close, through all of the various dances in the band’s repertoire, never changing his step, his bounce, he reaches over…not very far… for they are already touching…but over, to hold her. One arm clutched her waist and the other her neck, a hand rising up through her hair to cup her head to his chest, trying to sneak in a phrase or two above the droning of the noise and music. Seemingly knowing that this could never take place inside the halls where they first met, she leans in to listen, not even caring what he is about to say. There was no question from the way they held each other at that passing moment,that they were caught in a whirlwind, their bodies took such obvious relief from the contact.
.

My internal gyroscope keeps me erect, fighting the necessary need to sink into his arms…to “get out”…of my skin, of my life.

That particular incident was a turning point in my life-one of those magical moments where suddenly the way you see the world changes forever. I haven’t quite pin-pointed the way my world might change…but it has been rocked.

And then…here comes the movie quote…
“You look very happy…like you have a secret”

There were phrases that preceded this capture in time…conversations at the bar, in the breezeway, in the stairwell. There were phrases that followed this moment as well. But this scene…this quote…is the one that goes down in the book. How does he know…that I have many secrets?

And when I get home, the rest of my life goes by like the movie “Groundhog day”, down to the last of the boring repetitive details.

Today…the Morning After…is filled with the regular bustle of the school day. The afternoon goes on as normal…working on math and such other dismal subjects. Unannounced… a parent walks in, dressed to impress, probably a single mom. She opens a few bags and gets the kids to join in a song of Happy Birthday. Oddly enough, it is not to her daughter, but to HIM. It is HIS birthday, and I never even knew it. (There are 24 candles on the cake….what a mess) When all is quiet and the hallways are cleared…I enter the room, HIS room.
“Why didn’t you mention this last night??” I inquire.
“I didn’t want you to know that I was spending my birthday-eve with YOU.”
“So what are you doing tonight?”, I ask.
“Don’t know…wanna grab a drink?”
No, I am saving myself for tomorrow’s “After School Drink Party”. Thanks though. You gonna go?”
“Wouldn’t miss it.”

And I turned around with a smile…a big smile.

Short week this week…we all have Thursday and Friday off for the Teacher’s Convention and Fall Break. Good thing…cuz I don’t know what to think…or even if I want to think!
I will go to the Convention…and go on with my life.

(If You Were) In My Movie-Suzanne Vega

cinema
Originally uploaded by hundrednorth.

Soaking in the tub I drifted away
Thinking
About how many times lately
My life seemed somewhat
Like a Movie

There are somedays
When all i wanna do
Is SOAK
Inside a Movie

Eternal Sunshine...
Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

I Love that quote...I wish I could just enjoy things sometimes....just enjoy it...gotta remember that one!

As Good As It Gets:
Melvin Udall: You're a disgrace to depression
...and of course...
Melvin Udall: What if this is as good as it gets?

Such a sad quote...really...when you think of it. What if this is ALL we have?

Donnie Darko:
Donnie: I made a new friend today.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Real or imaginary?
Donnie: Imaginary.

I love this cuz...Imaginary Friends are sometimes the best we can do

Meet Joe Black:

Allison: I should have my head examined again.

...shouldn't we all!

Susan: What will we do now?
Joe Black: It will come to us.

...So Lovely!

And Finally...
Garden State:

Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it

Andrew Largeman: We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but, for for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is that we are.

Andrew Largeman: Let's just talk about good stuff.
Sam: Good stuff?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah. Glass half full shit. What do you got?
Sam: I got a little buzz. I got that.
[laughs]
Sam: What you got?
Andrew Largeman: I got a little buzz going
[pauses]
Andrew Largeman: and I like you.
[Sam, embarassed, giggles]
Andrew Largeman: So there's that. I guess I have that.
Sam: I can tap-dance. You wanna see me tap-dance?
Andrew Largeman: I would love to see you tap-dance.


...Actually...one of my enitre favorites scenes...where she is tap dancing in front of the fire...
I want to do that...
I want to tap dance in front of a huge fire!

Maybe in my next movie....
What would I ever name it????

Are You A Carrie?

Yes...but not TODAY
Smoking
Writing
.....
But soooo...not a Carrie
TODAY

( I have the CUTE little white jacket however!)

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Light at the End of the Tunnel
Originally uploaded by Pendragon7.

Difficult day...
all around

But...sure...I can see a Light at the End of
THEIR TUNNEL

Student #1-
He needs to supervised 24/7
TUrn around and something will be missing
Something will be broken
...He has stolen a Prsim from Science class
...He has broken my "Tampon Tower"
(a ceramic castle that was made by a former student at the treatment center...used for holding tampons in an all girls school...now holds pencils...or USED TO)
Let HIM loose in the library for a computer project
and he IS doing EVERYTHING but what he is supposed to be doing!

Student #2
Comic Relief...but at ALL the wrong TIMES
Today, during MATH he pushes ALL of my buttons
(I wear a zippered sweater)
...but STILL
He is NOT funny today!

Student #3
My Favorite
...as I am HIS
But TODAY
He wanders the halls
with no remorse
and NO behavior modification tactics
can keep him in the classroom...
let alone in his seat


I drive away from the building today...
Not looking at flocks of birds
...but
As I cross the railroad tracks that I can not find an alternative route away from...
I speed up
Close my eyes
and feel the Bumps

Did not see a light
there was NO tunnel
No train
No birds

traffic jam
Originally uploaded by MiKiMoNo.

I looked inside the cars
of all that passed by
today

and found no one in
"real love, true love, just plain old fashioned take your breath away love"

...really!

View From Heaven-Yellowcard

Murder of crows II
Originally uploaded by zargag.

Scenes of Fall are all around me

A bright red leaf on the field of the school lot
Something that I have never noticed before
There it was...
Looking up I noticed
Five or Six Trees
Filled with Bright Red Leaves
Funny....how I never noticed them before.

On my way home in a long line of traffic
I daydream while a song plays on my radio
Louder that it should be played

But the day dream cuts short with flocks of birds
Twirling around from tree to tree
Both Close and also
off in the Distance

I am not quite sure where they are ending up...
but once on a ramp near a field of dry grass
The passing of my vehicle stirs them up Once More
and I am surrounded by birds
Swirling

Off and runnung to
Girls Night / Teachers Night Out
...to Italian Dinner and WIne

My VERY FAVORITE place in the WORLD!!!

Closing my eyes
Wishing myself there

Had a very Difficult afternoon once home
Too Difficult to describe

Going DOWN
for more Wine

I Detest...my family

A walk with L was supposed to take care of my woes
but all it did was make me worse

WANT to be here
NEED to be here
Just don't need THEM here

Can't you just Feel it!!!
Serenity...gone wild!

What's Love Got TO DO With It-Tina Turner

Constellations
Originally uploaded by honeyfumblings.

I was recently asked if I have ever been in LOVE.
“Have you ever experienced real love, true love, just plain old fashioned take your breath away love?”

The question caused my heart to stand still in time.
The question caused my heart to look back in time.

The question, later, caused me to consider what LOVE really is.

I looked up the definitions and was not pleased…few were descriptive of the LOVE that I was being asked to contemplate.
Love:
1. a strong positive emotion of regard and affection; "his love for his work";
2. any object of warm affection or devotion; "the theater was her first love";
3. have a great affection or liking for; "I love French food";
4. beloved: a beloved person; used as terms of endearment
5. a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction; "their love left them indifferent to their surroundings”
6. get pleasure from; "I love cooking"
7. a score of zero in tennis or squash; "it was 40 love"
8. be enamored or in love with; "She loves her husband deeply"
9. roll in the hay: have sexual intercourse with; "This student sleeps with everyone in her dorm"; "Adam knew Eve"; "Were you ever intimate with this man?"
10. sexual love: sexual activities (often including sexual intercourse) between two people; "he hadn't had any love in months
• Love has many meanings in English, from something that gives a little pleasure ("I loved that movie") to something one would die for (patriotism, pairbonding). It can describe an intense feeling of affection, an emotion or an emotional state. In ordinary use, it usually refers to interpersonal love. Probably due to its large psychological relevance, love is one of the most common themes in art. The majority of modern movies have a love story and most pop music is about love.

It hurts to THINK about this question.

My first LOVE was with a boy I very rarely discuss. He was my very first Love at the age of 14. We dated for 1½ years. My parents did not care for him. He was Hispanic and lived a few blocks away. He looked like “Chico” from “Chico and the Man”…and young Freddy Prinz. He went to a public school and the boys at my Catholic school chased him away many nights. I thought I loved him, but in retrospect, in was just a love of having him around, wearing his class ring, having an older guy with a car. He deflowered my very best friend, on a warm fall day at a house party…while I was out performing a pom pom routine at a football game. Weeks later he told me about the event in my very own living room. He broke up with me and broke my heart. (He had never went that far with me…never even asked.) But I was not in LOVE…not “real love, true love, just plain old fashioned take your breath away love.”

My second LOVE was that with Australia. Many boyfriends had come and gone in between. I had never found myself alone or without a date…but Australia was as close as it gets. Unfortunately, I do not believe that you can call it LOVE when it never lasts…there must be another word for that. It seemed like “real love, true love, just plain old fashioned take your breath away love”, for ME, but I can not prove that it was that for HIM….so I do not think that can be called LOVE. If it is…then it is not fair LOVE.

I’ve LOVED boys from afar. without them knowing…”NOT real love, NOT true love, just plain old fashioned take your breath away love.”

I’ve LOVED certain men and looked forward to being around them. Loved the sparkle in their eyes, the way they moved their lips, their hands, or their arms. “Not real love, but true love, and just plain old fashioned take your breath away love.”

I’ve LOVED guys in bands, to watch them.
I’ve LOVED the Bassist/Bartender Guy, the conversation of him.


Those situations can not be considered for this question…it was NEVER REAL…never returned, and if it was…I was never aware.

I’ve LOVED H on and off…but I can not place my finger on why it is not “real love, not true love, not just plain old fashioned take your breath away love.” I enjoy his company, when it is provided. That one is very difficult to put into words for me right now. I think he is placing concentration on other LOVES. Tonight when I thought more about it…tried to pinpoint it…

I’ve LOVED the flirtatious smiling of another, only to lose his glistening attention to a deadly curve near a lake on his motorcycle. “Real love, true love, just plain old fashioned take your breath away love”…Never Know.


I’ve LOVED someone from many MILES away, but have lost those roads in between as well. ‘Real love, true love, just plain old fashioned take your breath away love” …pulled away before the jury came in.

Wouldn’t it be a shame to never experience the LOVE that I was being questioned of?

What would be the purpose of LIFE?

I LOVE my KIDS
I LOVE my STUDENTS
I LOVE my FRIENDS

But that is not it….the real LOVE being asked of.
What about my single Uncle, single all of his life
…never LOVED...is his life lived in vein?

Were we put here to experience LOVE…or for MOST of us to YEARN for it?
Just watch a few fortunate people…and yearn for what they seem to have.
LOVE is so very Painful…
Just Read a few Blogs
Sing a few Songs
Watch a few Movies

Sit on a corner and watch people drive by in their cars on the way home from work…Ponder if they are IN LOVE…
“Real love, true love, just plain old fashioned take your breath away LOVE.”

Gosh, it sure sounds good….but makes me feel so very
SAD

The Show Must Go ON-Queen

Quit'n Time
Originally uploaded by Little Pieces.

Days go By, a whirlwind of good and Bad
...and through it ALL
The Show must go ON.

Last night...in the Quiet of Myself
I sat outside in the Glow of a Silver Moon
Wondering....
How and Why I BUZZZZ around
Between Happy and Sad

...Usually not any Inbetween
I contemplated if Others....
Felt the same
WE ALL feel the Same?
...but NEVER Exclaim it.


Backwards, in recap

THE BANQUET:
A lovely evening of adults dressed in their Very Best
...fancy Hordevours...Hot and Cold...
Just like the personalities presented in front of Me!
In social situations such as these that I am Required to attend...I find that many different moods hit me....even in the very same night...a span of just a few hours.
I am often found around the bar...happily talking to the bartenders, but realizing my duties of the event, I mingle with strangers and those that I am supposed to know, but barely do. I then become bored and seek out a private place to smoke. On this evening I made a friend in LUTHER, the Barry White of bartending...who directed me down the elevator to a floor of guest rooms with an ashtray in a beautiful hallway. I found myself there quite often...only once venturing outside to get fresh air, and speak to Charles...the Valet parking supervisor. After all of the awards were presented and my feet ached sufficiently enough to slip on and off my Liz Claiborne heels....I ended up at home...exhausted! THe food was terrific however, unusual for a banquet of 300 or so. The wine was sufficient for a BUZZ!

THE MEETING:
On a day that I am in charge of a
"VERY IMPORTANT MEETING" I manage to wake up with a
"VERY INTENSE MIGRANE"
after all is said and done...LITERALLY
I manage to walk away with a feather in my cap...
Job Well Done
No one is BUZZING about any promotions in line from this performance....but they now know my name...Good Enough!

NIGHT FALL:
That very same evening, in a chill that requires a German Liquer made from 90 different berries, several glasses and a group of friends on my patio...we eat Indian food in the darkness, drink more than enough bottles of wine to compliment it, and laugh until there is no such thing other.
I have no recollection of the time we break things up to go in to bed, but when time BUZZES past you like that...one realizes that old company is good company.

CROSS COUNTRY SATURDAY:
Still BUZZED from the night before, crawling out of bed to venture out into the light of day...a gorgeous
glow of sunlight manages to make it's way through my jet black sunglasses. The meet is full of excitement, music playing, food grilling, geese flying overhead. THe boys perform outstandingly well, with 15 (yes 15) adding his name to a school record list that has been kept since 1961. In a rally of excitement everyone Glows. 17 qualifies for his 4th Varsity letter and 15 his first. All seems well for a while.
Exhausted...I spend the rest of the day on the couch...watching movies...Sideways...and such. Early this morning...around 1 am or so, I am awakened to the giggling of Girls, an odd sound around my house. Slipping downstairs I find an entire girls Cross Country team of 25 or so...out in front, toilet paper in hand, shaving cream messages on the lawn...WITH LOVE...GIRLS CC!

The boys BUZZ around the yard today...cleaning up!

I guess that sounds like a bunch of HIGHS....
But the unspeakable sounds
Scream....
LOW
"SHow GOing ON"

More Than THis-Roxy Music

Autumn Canada
Originally uploaded by roamin.

Crunching through leaves
on an early Autumn evening
WALK
I listen to some Roxy Music
and smile

Change of pace for me today
and I KNow
that Life is
MOre than this!
Isn't it????

Beauty has so MUCH
To GIVE

Wash-Lifehouse

Speed Queen 2
Originally uploaded by fd.

I skipped the Washing chore AGAIN
in lieu of another walk

Last year at this time I was walking at least 3 miles per night...and I now Remember how Much I Love the autumn evenings.

TOnight I listened to The Strokes...fast paced and motivational...much more motivational than doing the wash...(Took a different ROute Tonight)

You see,
I only wash MY OWN clothes
The boys have been trained to perform this task since they were each 12...
and H has been doing his own chore since I shrunk an entire wardrobe of his in 1985!

So all I really HAVE to do is my own stuff...
and I have realized that I can last for what is now going on 4 weeks...YES
I have four weeks of clothes...clean clothes

This, of course, is because of the recent change of seasons...at the bottom of the basket lies those cute little skirts, the pink, the lime green, the white
....in the MIDDLE
lay the crop pants...which I have NEVER really been a big fan of...makes me look even shorter than I really AM....and plain colored t shirts
...on top are a few of the Grays, Browns and Blacks
Most Recently worn....

As I recently disclose to a friend...
"My only worry is the underwear"

And in the last four weeks....
I have Realized that I have enough of that too!

I have re-discovered the old stuff
NOT REALLY OLD
just "not recently worn..."
I have managed to find the past pairs of
INDY 500
Blue Velvet
Bright Yellow (not worn since last July)
LAce
and...
Red THong

Not that I enjoy wearing these...
BUT
(get the pun?)
I DO NOT ENJOY
doing the Wash

Get IT?

Two Step-Dave Matthews

Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

Today I concentrated on smiling at Men...
I decided on this after I flashed a smile at one of the Female teachers who has chosen to ignore me the entire school year. SHe completely Ignores me.

So, Enough of That....I went for the Guys

I would liek to be saying that we all went out for drinks later...but it would not be true.

It was Fun anyway...
and Life should be FUN.

After looking up some info on the computer today...I realized that my Barn jacket guy from last night's walk was not
Bill Paxton (Tombstone, Twister)

it was
Bill Pullman...(Wyatt Earp, Independance Day)
...THey are sorta the same aren't they?

TOnight I will search for Jeff Bridges...
just unsure of what look he will take on...
Fearless
or
The Fisher King

...sigh

Come On Home-Franz Ferdinand

Flying Without Wings
Originally uploaded by HaMeD!caL.

So Today I had a WONDERFUL day at Work
....Then I came home

In the Hallways I Bounced around from here to there
Smiling at all in sight
The Kids
The Staff
The Parents
The Crossing Guard
The Lunch Ladies
The Custodian
The Tech guy in my room getting computers ready for a new Reading Program
THe Post Man in the Mail Room
...Even the BIG IMPortant guy who called me to remind me of the BIG IMPortant meeting I am scheduled to lead on Friday...
I smiled at him on THe Phone!

I smiled at them all
...then I came Home

I tried to keep it going

I smiled at the dog
I smiled at the cat
I smiled at the plastic skeleton that is placed in my chair on the Patio...she holds a cigarette, head tilted back

Then THEY came home
and I took a Walk...miles away

I smiled at everyone whose paths I crossed
and They smiled back

I even Smiled at the Bill Paxton look alike who scared me with his leashless Doberman near the woods.

I got tired of smiling and sat underneath one of my favorite trees to rest
Bill PAxton recircled and talked for a while...
I smiled some more

As I picked at the grass in nervous reaction
He SMiled back
and his khaki barn jacket with dark chocolate trim
Looked ever so soft and inviting

I had my cigarettes in the pocket of my sweatshirt pouch...and lit one
knowing that it would either send him away or cause him to light up himself
...it did neither

He asked what I was listening to on my iPod
(not really mine, but many of my tunes)

I wanted to scroll it to The SHins
with a Memory of a Garden State clip

But I had on some Franz Ferdinand
(which caused a Post Secrets Flashback from this very week)

He didn't share my headphones
But he did share my smile

...the sun set, and I walked on
HOME
...wondering
WHY

Dreamgirl-Dave Matthews

Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

A conversation can not be had....
without a disagreement

and I wish I was in a Dream
....Girl

End of a Day
Thank Goodness for work in the morning!

"Caught by a wave
my back to the ocean
it knocks me off my feet and
just as I find my footing
here you come again
Dreamgirl, aww Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl"
-DMB

The Day-Part Three

Gastrocast #28
Originally uploaded by podchef.

Alone in the House
Folded the Young One's clothes for him
I think he washed an ENTIRE granola bar with his workout gear!

Took a few pictures.

Became Domestic and made bread and beef stew.

Drank Wine:]

Smoked Cigarettes:{

Listened to Music.

Becoming Bored, but the day is almost Over!

The Day-Part Two

Lombardi Statue outside Lambeau
Originally uploaded by ffaal.

In between watching the Packers Game...
Current score 42-3...Go Pack

I have
1. Paid the bills
2. Graded papers
3. Read the paper
4. Cleaned the living room

Mental Notes:
1. Whenever suggesting that H spends LESS money, he ALWAYS manages to spend MORE
2. Whenever suggesting that my students use complete sentences they USUALLY forget
3. Whenever browding the JOBS section for 17, I locate many...none that he bothers to appy
4. Whenever i finish cleaning the living room, I look at the rest of teh house in disgust.

I have only seen a Packers game in-person ONCE, and I had to travel to Chicago to see them play against the Bears.

H should be on his way HOME from Chicago by now.

Knowing him, he will be in a BEAR of a Mood!

"It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up." -Vince Lombardi

The Day-Part One

Einkaufswagen
Originally uploaded by marflixone.

Grocery Shopping

Never one of my favorites...but it's got to be done.

I stand in line at the deli...seems like a scene from Garden State...In the Waiting LIne...people spinning around in front of me...time stands still...they go by.

It happened again...the musical track playing in the background.

I have my own soundtrack inside my head, but then the store's own gets inside....Roam-The Go Gos?

$135 later...I sit upstairs
watching Garbo play with a new toy!

Like my dad told me a bit back..."Sometimes you just need to enjoy watching things...instead of having them close enough to hold."

I watch alot of things.
Holding is the hard part.

There's A World Outside-Psychedelic Furs

Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

After having several disagreements with H these last few days and knowing that he was out having a “Very Special” time of his own, in another state as a matter of fact, I decided to do what I have needed to do since last July. I needed a “Girls Night Out”.

It’s sorta hard to get L and T and I all out at the same time. Just being out in the yard is one thing, but actually getting out and leaving the house is another, so I wasn’t expecting the whole group. I wasn’t even sure if I could get any of them out on such short notice, but I was eager to try. I always have a back up list of “other” girls to call in case of emergencies, and have went out by myself in desperate situations, but on this night, I felt the need to cut loose with my closest of buddies.

I may have wanted to be in TOTAL charge of the EVENT, but as personalities tend to dominate, mine was not one of them. I just settled for the fact that I was out with money in my pocket and a brand new “expedition green” and brown tie died shirt on my back. Jeans were fitting comfortably and with the crisp start of autumn, the fall boots walked out of the closet. I wore a favorite dark brown suede number that are JUST RIGHT in lifting me several inches off of the ground without causing me to wobble.

I wanted a local area bar with pool and darts and music. I wanted to be close to home. We ended up at Australia’s Hip little downtown Bistro for dinner. I did not pick it and had no desire to go there. The girls all love the food and the “Oh so” see and be seen atmosphere at night. (actually, that is both L and I, they are the ones who enjoy that crowd.) It is always written up in different local papers as a favorite of the downtown choices. I guess our night was going to be one of dashing escapades and downtown highlife. As “L, the Queen of downtown” put it…”If we are going to go out and spend money…we might as well do it BIG. Come on girls…let’s DO IT BIG.” I was beginning to feel like Carrie from Sex and the City reruns. The four of us, a Big night out, in the city, bumping into BIG. My name starts with C, I smoke, I write, I had on new clothes…I could go on and on about the things that linked me to feel like this, but I have a Blog to finish here.

We were crammed into the crowded bar area with about an hour to wait for a table. Drinking wine to start us off, we smoked and laughed and smiled. Somewhere in between all of that, Australia came over to meet and greet. He briskly took us to a table just cleared in the Lounge area of the club. We were given menus and served by a fun waiter. I always believe that your total dining experience depends on a good waiter! After dinner, desserts were brought…compliments of the restaurant. We didn’t need them but they were soooo very good! Australia came back to the table with an extra chair, sat and talked to all of us and “out of the Blue” invited us to join him and some of his buddies at a hopping dance club along the lake. He was going to leave in an hour or two, but gave us passes to get in without paying the cover and said he would look for us when he got there. Since we hadn’t decided which place to spend our money for the rest of the night….a free cover charge was attractive. A quick Thank You…and off we went…into the night!

I can’t say that love filled the air and I ended up in a hotel room with him. I can’t even say that I wanted that..am over that. We found a table. He came by with some buddies for a while. Some danced, some did not. I played it safe and stayed a bit distant. My distance moved me into an area of the bar at one point of the evening, meeting a guy named George and talking about the fact that soon, smoking will be banned inside all areas of the state. We smoked and complained. I saw him several times that night. His eyes were hazy and smooth. I liked his eyes.

I danced a few with the girls. They managed to get a few guys out there too. THere were songs that I can not get out of my mind. George ended up out there. Australia ended up out there. We were ALL out there. I laughed. I smiled. I got just what I wanted. A night out with friends. A few conversations with new people. A chance to forget about myself for a bit. On the way home I looked at L, I asked her to remember back to this last July, when she took me to Door County for the weekend...when we had way to much fun. I told her thanks for not getting her period, and making us leave before bar close!

Sometimes, a night like that is just what it takes. Sometimes, it takes more.
I fear, I may need more.

Black Balloon-Goo Goo Dolls

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

I am flying...'
Down again
DOn't think I ever went up very Far

World SPinning in directions
I am not prepared for
Not crying yet,
but close to it

Sun is sucked out of my season
Never to complain
Never to be heard
Never to be listened to

Disturbed by 17, Angry with H, and sooo Sad for the youngest....I feel alone
For no one engages enough to talk about how they actaully feel about me around here...

Except that "Even though it is 40 degrees, there is no reason why you should be smoking inside the house."

Hmmm.......This chair is so comfy


"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
-Charles m. Schulz

Every Time I Look For You-Blink 182

It's hard to be happy
Originally uploaded by honeyfumblings.

Jenny
JEnny
JENny
JENNy
JENNY...

I looked for you in conversation but all you
Said was Jenny

...and when I started sentences that had to do with my day....

It all ENDED in

Jenny

I could not find you at all
TONIGHT

Hard to be Happy

"One more point of contention
I need some intervention
Approached with vague intentions
Betray my short attention
Span the distance.
Bridge the border
Beg forgiveness
Round the corner

Everytime I look for you the sun
goes down
And I stumble when this whole thing
runs aground
I left another message, you are
never around
But everytime I look for you the sun goes
down once more
Will the last one out please shut the door"
-BLink 182

Indifferent Fairy Godmother

Indifferent Fairy Godmother
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

Feeling as if all hope is lost
Buried under multiple reports
Preparing for a VIP meeting next week
I am the moderator....
When have I ever moderated anything?

Where is the Fairy Godmother when needed?

Calgon take me Away

So when all else fails
and the Autumn air feels fresh and crisp
I BUY SHOES

NOw, my intention was to purchase a fun pair of black boots...something totally funky...
but I am a bit clumsy and went with my
comfortable instincts

Walked a way from the counter with a wonderful find...upstairs clearance section

Heather Gray
Suede
Vans

Yep...17 will flip when he spots good old MOM
sporting "Skater Girl" shoes
but hey...what the heck

Comfort makes the woman
and this is all about
COMFORT

So, fairy Godmother
Lay on the comfy couch all you want
Tomorrow is Jeans Day
...and i am wearing tennis shoes!

MONA NOTES

MONA NOTES
Originally uploaded by 84rms.

Such A Shame-Talk Talk

Mental Note:
In the workplace, NEVER be seen as the Most Competent in the conference room.

NEVER

After a grueling meeting that seemed to last a lifetime, being in the EXPERT position as
"THe Only One with a degree in Emotional Behavior Disorders", I have been designated to draft all new Behavior Contracts as well as designing all of the Behavior Modifications needed to CONTROL the OUT OF CONTROL students in our department.

(Do you see the Run on Sentence here...should I really be the one doing this?)

I could go on and describe the avenues that positioned me for this dilemna, but am afraid that it would expose my true identity. So, just know, that I have NOW been given many more responsibilities whether I like it or not. Sure it makes me look important, but as I have noted in the past....looking important can get you NOWHERE....

I LOVE MY JOB
I LOVE MY JOB
I LOVE MY JOB

Sure...take note...

This WEIRD grin on my face may fade, with the summer sun, the fall leaves of orange, and a sparkling snowflake that drifts down...into a gutter of sludge.

BLAH

H pretended he was listening to this same conversation while drinking wine out on the patio this evening, yet upon a break in my voice said,
"I'm going to be traveling a bit more soon, do you think we should get 17 his own car?"

BLAH

Such A Shame

Too Far Gone-All American Rejects

Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

Haven't been giving this Blog much time lately
and it makes me sad
...now one would tend to believe that all of my issues have come and gone, there is nothing left to Blog about, and all is well....

....not really
...just feeling a bit Far Gone

I am a bit busy, and so exhausted when I lay down at the end of the day that I can barley think...but the sadness that once inspired me to start this, lingers on.

I Float....
float with thoughts and feelings that stay up inside my head...

the other day I noticed...
I was talking to H about an incident that happened in my classroom...
...he wasn't even listening....not even pretending this time...not even nodding his head.
I do believe he was thinking about the garage, or a tool, maybe his own job, or the one of his many toys.

It made me sad
...and I just wanted to
Float Away