Murder Of One-Counting Crows

I do believe I have been struck
It just decided to hit me
Blindside me actually
And I write this on my porch
In a washed out Wicker Chair
Pale Yellow and Cream striped Ticking Cushion
Candles lit around me
Glass of Shiraz
Ancient tin buckets filled with Pink Geraniums
A farmers bench with paint chipping off
An old French water bottle holding a candlelit flame as well

I must write this by hand
To transcribe it later onto my Snow White laptop
These thoughts are too powerful to wait and power up a machine

I am caressed by a slight breeze this evening
While tiny American Flags begin to line the neighborhood front lawns
In preparation for my very Favorite Holiday

I love it so because it is Summer
It is warm-and there is a corny Hometown Parade
We will grill and swim with friends
Take the Evening walk to view Fireworks at the Park
It is Peacefully Glorious!
Much better thatn the bustle of Christmas
It is my Favorite Holiday

I SANK into a movie earlier
Under The Tuscan Sun
Diane Lane-whom I embarassingly recognize from watching the movie "Unfaithful"
Way too many times
(I have moved to each sex scene inside of my head-many times after the scenes were complete)

But this experience today/tonight
Struck Me
She has moved to a place that I have never been
But have been thinking of often....recently
Sadness cries out from her smile-the lines in her face-her Motion
She searches for meaning, each turn, each day-she searches for Something
Someone to complete her

This yearning is so familiar
In the end, as most endings go
She finds that warm place- a soft spot to fall
I cry-trying not to-yet can not keep the tears from slowly searching me out
She is me-yet my tears will not end here-where her life has just begun

You see-I am forever chained
Locked inside these walls
Walls that forever crumble-yet will never break away to set me Free
I have no Options
Each day the sun Breaks
I try so terribly hard to contain it-keep that fleeting Feeling of Happiness
LOVE
Yet always-ever so Constant-
I am Broken

My life will end in This Sadness
Never taking the neccesary steps to Venture Away
Away from my Heartless Existence
...And never being able to truly find what I Need
What I Desire

What would allow me to feel such a Delerious Pleasure
...I shall always be in search of this
Experiencing Short Glimpses
Of what may possibly be found in Unexpected Places
With Unsuspecting Suspects
But always-I will return to my Porch

On a Wicker Chair
With Pale Yellow and Cream striped Ticking Cushion
Candles lit around me
Glass of Shiraz
Ancient tin buckets filled with Pink Geraniums
A farmers bench with paint chipping off
An old French water bottle holding a candlelit flame as well

Those lonely Tears slowly searching me out
Keeping me Company

Yes the Paint Peels
Tearing away from the Farmer's Bench
And I will grow Old
Having never been Touched
By no one-but Myself
With no one-but Myself
-To Blame

I Have Been STRUCK

Miles Apart-Yellowcard

Heartinsand
Originally uploaded by last_light.

He steps out of the only vehicle of which he adores, wearing items that I have purchased for him, those that are rarely ever worn. In fact I cannot recall seeing him in this attire since they have been brought inside the house and laid out on his side of the bed…with good intentions, yearning to see him dressed, or just smelling the scent of a cologne that I wrapped him up for Christmas…still inside it's own box.
Crisp white buttoned down shirt, short sleeve, with medium blue and pale yellow pin stripes, so simple…blue jeans…just the correct fade of blue, and the Doc Marten sandals that he rarely slips on, he hates them, as a matter of fact…he seems to be making an attempt at a marriage on this night…I can tell, yet have no idea what or how to think.

I smiled as I saw him, entering the yard, but still wondered about both our own intentions…the outcome of these 23 years of life together…ever fading…ever flowing underneath bridges that could crumble at any one given moment.

So Many Miles Apart

We were all gathered out on the back patio, our friends, on a warm evening near the very end of June, awash with the evening sun, settling into the western trees…shining, fading, into the darkness, only to expose circles of dancing fireflies. He had poured some wine for himself and music played on the speakers outside. I was thinking that in each house on each street, on all the pastel glistening patios, there were others with evening sunsets, and women and men who might or might not love each other, who might or might not have indelible connections of their own.

We Are Miles Apart....

He causes our friends to smile and laugh, crystal blue eyes and hair bleached yellow from the summer sun, he is infectious. Why does he generate such love from others…yet not from me…this I do not understand. Throughout the evening he glances over towards me. There are times when he has told a joke or unassumingly said something funny and he makes eye contact. While inside the kitchen gathering a few late night snacks for the group, I watch through the atrium doors, out into the darkness illuminated only by candles and those damn dancing fireflies. He continues to smile, always part of the conversation. He will not, however, get up from his chair, to act out an event-he is not animated-always very calm and relaxed in a crowd. It is something I love and despise in the same breath. Several glasses of wine later, I do not know how to interpret this evening. His attire confuses me, makes me want him, yet the minimal interactions between us are not at all an attempt at any passionate courtship later in the evening.
Can this relationship ever be filled with meaning again, or are we just going through the motions? If lovers alone wear sunlight ( E.E. Cummings), then I must be living in some deep and lonely cave.

Dissastrous Miles Apart

When the evening ends and all is cleaned up from the outdoor tables, he climbs the stairs to go up to bed. I stay up and wait for the children to return home. This will take a while. He will fall asleep. I will not wake him.

Once the kids are secured in and I finish checking my mails, and speaking with a dear friend online, I walk out into the steamy night air. I bang my hand against the side of my head to empty out the cascade of my family conversations, my friend's conversations and my special friend's advice. By the time I reached the bend in the road, I can almost hear my own thoughts again.

The scary thing is, I am not quite sure if I want to. I am starting to scare myself.

Maybe Miles Apart will always be hanging there...as heavy as the evening air.

Still...as I enter the pale yellow kitchen, there is a small Post It on the counter this morning......in his wonderous handwriting...it says

"I made Coffee"

Great Day

Mental Note: I NEED TO DO THIS MORE OFTEN

That is all there is to it...
Get my ransom mind
away from itself
Go out to lunch
Even if it is alone... if needed

I became lost
In an elegant atmosphere
Downtown
Bustling streets
Suits and ties
Beautiful restaraunt
and I am not even talking ambiance

Just people....

If I could have stayed until that waiter was off of his shift
I would have never come home!!!!!

L thought that HE was my old boyfriend
YES....and the real HE... did stop and talk for a bit....
after several uneasy glances in my direction...
All small talk...kids...where we live...
L said she could tell what was lingering in the backs of our minds...
words coming out
but meaningless...
memories shifting inside.

But the WAITER.....
hmmmm.......
He lifted his eyebrow when he mentioned dessert
and I told him that he must have been practicing that

He offered more wine
I refused
And L claimed that everyone in the back room must be talking about ME

And I exclaimed....
Let's give them something to talk about!!!!!

2 glasses of Shiraz...not L ...she had to back ot the office
1/2 Salad
4 cigarettes

Jake the waiter said...please come back...
and touched my 'back"

I looked at L and said...Did you see him touch me?
She laughed..."You sitting there in that cute little pink skirt, and me in my "fat pants"
Of course he's gonna touch you!

We laughed tremendously...
I am still laughing...

And...
that is the very first time that I went to
my old boyfreind's restaraunt
and didn't carry old feeling of missed opportunity
home with me
about him.......

Hmmmmmmm

Sorry but.....I gotta get out more often!!!!!
It stares me right in the face.

The Boys of Summer-Don Henley

Time to put my cares aside and start the Big Prep for the Big GIG.
SUMMERFEST

Now I realize that those of you who are not in this area may not be aware of the BIGGEST MUSIC FESTIVAL in the entire US...but this is it. Right on the Lake and nonstop music, 8 different stages, 11 days...not to mention all of the fantastic food, shopping kiosks, and pure cool breeze driving in off the waterfront!
Yeah...it's heaven!
A pricey heaven, but still heaven!

Needless to say, I always skip opening day which is titled the BIG BANG. THis is the night of the huge fireworks extravaganza, drawing crowds that are so close one can not help but make new friends with awkward memories! Still, I choose to stay home for this day!

But Friday, the 1st of July...I will venture down.
During the day there are usually local bands jamming up on the stages. People soak up as much sun and suds as they can, take 4:00 naps on the grass by the water, then begin to gear up again for the evening events.

So Friday, my very favorite local band is scheduled to play. I would not miss them for the world. I see them often at bars in the winter months, but there is nothing like seeing them outside, in a crowd. As stated before, I am in total love with the bassist. (Yes, I like bassists) Many girls slither around the stage waiting to talk to him at breaks. I do not. I watch him from afar. I have spoken to him twice. Once at a club when H went to use the restroom. I sat still, gazing at the crowd. Made eye contact from across the circular bar, got him a much deserved beer to draw him back my way...pointed at it...and here he came. We talked, introduced eachother...then of course H who is outa the restroom in unfortunate record time, but he stayed...eyes glistening in pleasant conversation. I spoke to him once more...similar situation. This night I was just out with the girls...but bands take such short breaks, don't they? LOL Yes girls...that is HIM in the pic...and if you are dating him...I NEVER touched him...OK?

So I will see him and the band on Friday...then another local band...then the main act which I struggle between Something Corporate..."totally alternative"...and Tom Petty..."totally rock"

Hmmmm... guess I will have to see what the day brings!!!

So bring on SUMMER
Bring on the BOYS of it
Bring it all ON!!!!!!!!!!

Mental Note: Must probably start speaking to H before Friday. Hmmmmm.

My Own WORST ENEMY-Lit

Yellow flower
Originally uploaded by poesie.

Today

Was very confusing

I ran into the pool with intents of
soothing myself

Turning over....
Side to side

Gazing down deep
into the blue
For the very first time this year
I dove into the deep end
Sensing
the Coldness of
the depth

I lay in the BLue
for three hours
Listening
To Lifehouse
CD's

Slap yourself Girl.....
Get out

I searched for a novel
finding one only pages begun

Sank deeper
into something that I had no idea would hit me sooooo close to home...
I could not put it down...

One summer I just layed around and read novels
and cried in the yard...

For some odd unknown reason...it felt good.
Today..it did the same for me.

No words on H's return home
and an hour goes by ..... with a surprising extended reach of words
he suggests that we go out for a drink...

Sure...whatever

We will sit
over cocktails
him eating...
going over his day
his job
his projects
his conference calls
his "people'
his drama

...as if NOTHING phases him
...as if Nothing ever happens to me

I will be the one smoking
...watching others
...wondering
...who they are...

Did they have a huge fight last night?
Did she sleep on the couch?
Did she float in the pool all day long, only to climb the stairs out and find a good book
...to cry with.

Yes...I am my own worst enemy
It is all inside my head
Every good thing
Every dream

Every Bad thing
Every nightmare

How do I stop this??
The images are sooo painful.

I dove down into the cold, deep depth of the pool...and wanted to stay there...
I did the dead man's float and it felt sooo good...

But I always come up again...
Tonight, I guess it is for cocktails and hordevours.

(Like my spelling!?)

Hit Me Baby One MORE TIME-Britney Spears

moving target + paintball + coney island = shoot the freak
Originally uploaded by eatsdirt.

Yep...
One more time

Guess I musta parked the car in the wrong spot
Hmmmmmm...
Then after unkind words
17 leaves with his unsavory friend in the BMW

Gonna take a few serious cocktails before I can cope with this one

SO...NOt Speaking To THem

Hit Me With Your Best Shot-Pat Benetar

how much it'll cost you to shoot an unarmed person
Originally uploaded by eatsdirt.

Sitting
Relaxing
Feet up in the living room

...THE KID CAN'T EVEN USE HIS OWN HOUSE KEY...
And when I rise to open the back door as he pounds...He hits me with words that have been absent in my life for the last two weeks.

I Try sooo hard to love him...

I CAN'T
I AM SORRY
I JUST CAN'T

HE MAKES ME PHYSICALLY SICK

No...No baseball games together
No walks on a golf course
No laughter
No NOTHING

I will never experience that with him.

And I ache when I see others...
Others who got off of that Coach bus and smiled at their Mom
.....Just Others

Small Town Minds-MXPX

I went to grab the phone today
To talk to "T"

...Then realizing
She isn't home
For the enitre week

Every summer her family and about 30 other friends and kids and dogs and coolers and food and boats and jetskis and (yeah, it's like that)...go up north to EAGLE RIVER for an enitre week of endless sun, campfires, drinking games, card games, board games, cabin antics, and exciting relaxation. We used to join them for this. There were about 9 cabins right on the water and we would occupy them all. Load up the cars...drive forever...unpack...and kick back. The cabins sucked. They were not exactly my class of abode...but you were Up North after all! There was no air conditioning. You had to bring your own sheets. Actually make your own beds. We brought our own Boom Boxes, our own towels, our own pillows. By the end of the week the floors were covered in sand...kids scramble in and out at their own free will. Screen doors slammed...no rules! Lounging in hammocks, making sandcastles at the beach...and not quite my favorite beach in the Bahamas. After the week, I would be sooo ready to get home! But each year again...I was sooo ready to get up there again.

Each evening 2 families were assigned to a dinner. This way you only had to cook once and you got to eat good every night. (Except for the Friday before we left for home...that night we would take all the boats across the lake and do a famous WISCONSIN Fish Fry.) The only drawback is that you were cooking for 30 people...in these "not so updated" cabins. It wasn't like she would allow burgers or brats or anything simple like that. I was always LASAGNA...and everything that went with it...no wine though...cuz we were all roughin' it with quarter barrels in ice tubs! Occasional rounds of shots of whatever donned the picnic table!

I sorta miss not doing that now. Haven't done it for a few years....but they still go. We'd stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning...around a blazing fire. Wake in the morn...some would go out fishing if they had stayed up all night. Some would sleep in. Putting on our swimsuits...we spent each day waterskiing, jetskiing, and swimming. Swim out to the raft...play King of the Hill...pushing off everyone you could. Men ALWAYS won! The kids were young. They thought the world of us. Now mine have no interest in going. I have no idea how T gets hers and the others all up there still...I think the teens all just sneak the beer and booze!

It was peaceful
It was rowdy

All in the same breathe.

I never caught a fish
I never got up on the Skis
I always tipped over the jetski in the middle of the lake!

But still
Summer is so short...
sorta wish I was up there right now.

It's Raining Men-The Weather Girls

wo men come 1st ;)
Originally uploaded by rechargable.

Well...
There were men...
And
It Rained

No Concert tonight
Soccer Guys came over for the day
Long Island Iced Teas
Laughs...
Cookout
and by the time we were all supposed to
Hit the Road
It started to cloud up
and Thunder...

So no concert for me!

I guess I will just have to start getting myself ready for SUMMERFEST...Instead

This Coming Friday...
Hall and Oates

Raining...and... Men
Just not my idea of FUN
Tonight...
What the Hell is Wrong with ME???

Actually...This particular song does bring back good memories for me. A few years back, I was allowed to go out EVERY Wednesday night...with my girlfriends. I would look forward to it...starting on Sunday already. The day of the event was a ritual....especially in the summer. I would tan all day...take a bath...then use up two hours to get myself ready...down to the very last detail. Music blaring in the backgorund...pizza in the oven for the kids...I was ready to GO OUT. And the 6 hours of night time fun...passed like the blink of an eye. We always went to the very same bar...a little bit out of the way...people started to know our names...the bartender knew exactly what we drank...the jukebox was always waiting. We would play darts or pool or dance or just sit and laugh...but each Wednesday night I yearned to never go back home. I was the only girl with a curfew...but at least I got OUT!!! And each Wednesday night we would be sure to play this song....Raining Men. We made friends...lots of friends. We did this for years. It was our way of getting away from the kids...when they were little. God...I loved Wednesdays...and Thursday we would pay! Now that the kids are bigger...teens, and most of us have gone back to work...we are not allowed this weekly luxury.
DAMN
The RAIN Felt soooo GOOD!

"Humidity is rising - Barometer's getting low
According to all sources, the street's the place to go
Cause tonight for the first time
Just about half-past ten
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining men.

It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Amen!
I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Men! Every Specimen!
Tall, blonde, dark and lean
Rough and tough and strong and mean

I feel stormy weather / Moving in about to begin
Hear the thunder / Don't you lose your head
Rip off the roof and stay in bed"
-The Weather Girls

Round Here-Counting Crows

Originally uploaded by brian boulos.

After a tear jerking movie...and a short nap...I awake from a dream...that includes the visions of this particular song...I am the main character...and I can not shake it...hoping it is just a dream
...Not today...
Yes, I have trouble acting Normal
When I'm Nervous
I have trouble acting
Normal...
When I am normal...

Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death, that’s all.
William Goldman
....

"She's slipping through my hands"

Yeah...It's like that

But now...
I must frantically smile
for Cosmos in the yards

"She says it's only in my head...
She say's shhhhh...
I know it's only in my head"
-Counting Crows

In The Waiting Line-Zero 7

take my hand~
Originally uploaded by lavenderlou.

Feeling Ill
Still being expected to grocery shop
So I do....
I HATE GROCERY SHOPPING...I DO

Dizzy at Home
Pulling into the drive...

"Mom, Can I take the car to a sleepover tonight?"
"No, I can drop you off"
"Why can't I get the car, Dad?"
"I don't know...why not C?"
"Because you will be tempted to take it out later at night...I just do not feel comfortable with that...and I may need it in the morning.'
"Dad...?"
"It's up to your mom."

ROUND TWO (ten minutes later)

"You just went shopping and there is nothing to eat. What did you do there?"
"Well there is turkey and corned beef and hot dogs and tuna...what is it that you are looking for?"
"Not that...I wanted roast beef."
"Well, then she will get roast beef tomorrow then."

She stares at an ant crawling up the stair...Wishing she was just an ant on a stair.
Lifting herself off of the stoop with great effort
-She turns to go inside
-Not looking into anyone's eyes
-She bolts for her bedroom
-And never comes out again

Guess I was just standing around inthe Waiting LIne...Didn't take long...for it all to take hold again...SHIT

" Wait in line
'Till your time
Ticking clock
Everyone stop

Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me

Woooohh
Do you believe
In what you see
There doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe in
What you see

Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can

Ah and I'll shout and I'll scream
But I'd rather not have seen
And I'll hide away for another day"
-Zero 7

Stolen Away On 55th and 3rd-Dave Mathews

carrieandbig
Originally uploaded by haels_batman.

Here...
It is late...
but so Thankful for Television
and iTUnes

So tonight..
after driving 14 and 5 teen boys home from a girl's house...seemingly taking forever...can't find the house...streets are dark...they pile in...
...and SING...LOUD...all the way HOME.

Windows rolled down in a soft mist...they turn up the most obnoxious music and serenade...LOUD...dancing in the car...hanging out the window...laughing...I had it all!!!!!
"Don't you wish your girlfreind was a freak like me...Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"
Teen Boys!...Gotta Love 'Em

Slamming on the brakes..I turn around to take a good look...soak it all in....
And ALthough I am far from 55th and 3rd....I smile
I am Blessed with a humorous situation!

BIG...FUN

..later

BIG...and Carrie (Sex and the City) are on TV when I get home....14 and H go upstairs and I am in charge of waiting up for 17...
Mental Note: Can you see yourself doing all of the KID WORK here?

So I sit up...writing...watching...an old favorite show of mine...and the reruns are always pretty good.
Still haven't seen the finale!

17 shared some stories and some gifts for us all...Madrid and Barcelona Soccer jersies for H and 14....a coffee cup and Dali knick knack for me. He is actually in a good mood. Tick Tock!!!

So...I will watch my Sex and the City tonight..drool over the passion of Big and Carrie...I am so Carrie...but No Big at the bar!!!

Guess I will not be bumping into an old love to be Stolen Away....on 55th and 3rd...tonight!

This song is sad...but I am not right now.

"Hello, again.
It seems like forever between now and then.
You look the same.
I mean, you look different but you haven't changed.

Funny, to think how the time gets away.
Funny, how you take me right back again.
Stole me away.
The first time I saw you you did me that way.
What should I say?

I saw you laughing, but I was afraid
I might get in the way.
I did not think I would see you again,
SO How have you been?
Do you remember, I mean everything?

Saw you there dancing, but I was afraid
I might get in the way.
I did not think I would see you again.
Funny, to think how the time gets away.
Funny, how you take me right back again.
Funny, the feeling when forever ends.
Stole me away.
The first time I saw you you did me that way.
What should I say?

....
WATCHIN' THE YEARS AS THEY trickle away?
Is there anything? Oh, how time gets away.
Funny, how you take me right back again.
Steal me away."
-Dave Mathews

Forever Yellow Skys-The Cranberries

Go Figure...
After 12 days of no clouds in the sky...they come...
And 17 returns

My stomach is in knots
And for the first time in the same amount of days...
It is not that Happy Butterfly Feeling!

Ughhh.......
H told ME to be nice

Yeah right....
It's all ME

Gonna make a Welcome Home sign for the door into his room
Cuz he's gonna be pissed when he sees that I cleaned it.

Gonna make a Do Not Disturb sign for my room
Cuz I'm gonna need it!

Oh.and get THIS
I got my LAST check in the mail today
....Double Whammy

Waking Up

.
I open my eyes...and realize
That it is REALLY Early in the morning.

Way too early to go down and get coffee
Way too early to watch the Today Show
Way too early to lay in the sun......it's not even up yet!

So I smile here
...and decide to go back to sleep...
Need rest...

Big Smile...Going Shopping today!

Big Concern...17 Comes Home For Dinner
...Oh yeah...maybe he is a changed man!

Head Games

.

So I got butchered in the haircut chair today
I mean
It looks good and all
I just freak out on stuff like that!

But at least it kept my mind occupied for a bit......

And I haven’t thought about him once
For an entire 52 minutes
I think I just set
My own world record

Torn

.

I WISH
.
.
.
.
.
Deep Down
That I Could Soak in the SUN
With my Happy Little Laptop
At the VERY
Same
Time

I Want You To Want Me-Cheap Trick

i want everything
Originally uploaded by rechargable.

Many Thanx to "rechargable" for this interesting pic!

If I wore a tie...this one would be sooooo ME!

I WANT so much...Hmmmm

LIST OF WANTS

Endless Sunshine
...a few Stormy Daze
Good Friends
....Great Lovers
Creamy Coffee
.....Decadent Desserts-Shared with a Friend
Coconut Sorbet in the middle of the night...
...in my nightgown
Music for my MANIC Moods
...Someone who enjoys it as well
Warm sand in my toes
...Mojito in hand
Release of my Tension
...deep back massage
Freedom of speaking my inner most thoughts
...No fear of Sarcastic Judgement
Purple bubble gum
...Not losing it's Sweet Taste
To meet a Stranger
...Unexpected Kharma
Endless Sunday Mornings
....In Bed
Nights out with girlfriends
...without Morphing into Cinderella
A Perfect haircut
...No Regrets

Seems trivial...when you write it all down like that

I guess there is a fine line between Yearning and Mental Illness!

CHEAP TRICK

.

It is 11:15 at night

14 brought all of his friends over after the concert

I am watching Leno

But have no idea what LENO is saying.....

DISTRACTED...
All I have to do
Is close my eyes
And I can feel his lips
The way they felt
That very first time
I can feel the heat of them
Parting just slightly
Brushing across my cheek
Moving closer
And closer still
To my mouth
Till I can hardly breathe
Hardly bear to wait
For them to pass onto mine
All I have to do
Is close my eyes

...and it is not even
REAL

Such a CHEAP TRICK
is life

As of tonight...

Some newspaper guy took my picture...
I made some new friends
at a picnic table...

the band
ROCKED

I made friends with lots of new people

H joined me at the end
of the night
We drove 15 kids back to our house

It's 11:15

I am sleeping on the couch...
Enough Said....

Hey ...
but I painted my toenails silver...

I have a haircut scheduled for 3:00 tommorow....

I HATE haircuts!!!!!

SURRENDER!!!

It's all just a CHEAP TRICK...
They take $70 for a supposed NEW YOU!!!!!!

Drive-The Cars

.

So as I lay out in the yard
Trying to get other things off of my mind
Decide to pull out the Summerfest schedule and try to figure out which days I plan to attend.
Many!!!!

At least 6 of the 10...

Slowly my mind begins to wander...
I need to finally be able to have
Three or four thoughts in a row
That do not distract me from my daily tasks...
(I have been VERY sidetracked lately!)

Close my eyes...think back...Summerfest
In high school...I was the one with THE CAR
(This is Exactly IT...before the stripes)
Driving all of my friends
...and some strangers
to this Rock and Roll Festival Extravaganza

An event that had many purposes...
Meet Guys
Drink Beer
Listen to Music
Meet Guys

One summer...going into my Junior year..was a Very Good Year!
The local radio station had a special section on the grounds
...You just couldn't help but hook up with others
It was like a giant outdoors pick up bar!

This is where I met J
I had known OF him as a freshman...
He was a Senior back then
So now...he had several years out of school...to "ripen'
I immediatly walked up to him (not being a shy person)
...introduced myself
and the wild dance began!!!

Days later there were roses at my home...dozens!
My parents loved him
His older brother custom painted my car
He took me to Real Restaurants...and Plays
He gave me the keys to his apartment

Once school started up again...
Back in the halls
At the games
On the field
...I lost interest

He had not....
(I just hate a bad break up)

Every time I go to Summerfest
I remember that very day I walked up to him...

And tonight...
I will see him again.
He lives in the same neighborhood
His kids go to the same schools as mine
Now...tables have turned...and he walks up to me.

H knows the whole sad story
but his wife does not...
She doesn't even have a clue that we dated....

Every time I look back
Into my cedar chest
And inside my big box of high school picutres
I see my very first car
Think of the stripes
Of him

But never wish things would have been different...
He showered me with gifts
Rented rooms in fancy hotels
Swirled me around in a fairy tale world....

But like your very first car

Some times ya just gotta trade it all in.
(But still DRIVE)

"Who's gonna tell you when
It's too late
Who's gonna tell you things
Aren't so great
You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight?

Who's gonna pick you up
When you fall
Who's gonna hang it up
When you call
Who's gonna pay attention
To your dreams
Who's gonna plug their ears
When you scream?

Who's gonna hold you down
When you shake
Who's gonna come around
When you break
You can't go on
Thinking nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight"
-The Cars

Trying- Lifehouse

.


TRYING...to sleep...but...
Sleepless again...
So out into the yards after Midnight
Dipped my toes into "T's" pool
...and Plunged

There is something totally relaxing
about a Midnight swim
with no one else around
Solitude
Room to think
Water
under the Moon dappled sky....

I am like that often...
Outgoing and on the edge
Absolutly LOVE a Crowd
But also....A Loner...Introspective
I like to be the first person to walk through the fresh fallen snow
or dip a spoon into a peanut butter jar

Us gals have a "Yard" agreement...
and being like sisters that I never had
We Share....
Her pool and hot tub...
My surfin' patio, outdoor bar, and firepit...
"L's" gazebo and fountain...
"I's" casita...
Add them all together and we have a resort
...or so it seems!

So out under the stars
Fireflies flickering
and the gentle hoot of a nearby owl...
I softly swim in the darkness
TRYING to clear out my mind

Before I know it
T tiptoes out with some late night cocktails
She is in a contemplative mood as well...
We both realize that our 17's will be returning from their trip at the end of this week
Reality will return
The world will be shaken once more....

With the lighting of a few candles
and Tiki Torches
L is up too
and joins us

The three of us out
Under a moon
Black Russians
Friends!!!!!!!!

And I wake to a smile on my
Snow White Laptop

Gonna TRY to muster up enough sense
to run some errands

New vaccuum
Pool chemicals for T
Wine and snacks for tonight...

Concert in the park
Taking 14 and friends
Until H meets up with me
After his Twilight 5K

TRYING here....as best as I can....
It is SUMMER ya know!!!!

(And L calls me from her high powered job this morning...
just to say...SHIT...I wish I was a teacher!!)


"Could you let down your hair
And be transparent for a while
Just a little while
See if your human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like... we've got it all figured out
I may be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
And god I pretend like I do just
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
But I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this art form today
If I'd qoute all the lines off the top of my head
Would you believe
I fully understand all of these things Ive read
Im just trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't drawn it or figured out quite yet
But even if it takes my whole life
To get to where I need to be
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you
I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
Oh, I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way "
-Lifehouse

Blue-Fine Young Cannibals

the sleeping beauty
Originally uploaded by scheiro.

Welcome to a World
Where Pain is Confirmed
And the Hurt
Is Contained
In a Word

"CRAP"

Slept like Crap
Feel like Crap
Treated like Crap

...My depression is mind boggling

I often wonder if it is be CAUSED by outside influences
or if MY inability to cope with these "influences" is the CAUSE of the depression.

When mean words are spoken to OTHERS...how do THEY shake them off?
...Or are the happy people walking around this world...NEVER spoken to in that unkind way?

It is a vicious cycle...because now my "BLUE"ness
will cause me to talk myself out of doing all of the FUN things that I wanted to do today...
Pull some weeds
Go to lunch/or Starbucks with the laptop
Get some rocks at the lake
Take some pictures...

...But see...
All I will end up doing is laying around, listening to music, in the sun. I will waste MY ENTIRE SUMMER doing that...pretending to everyone on the OUTSIDE, that that is exactly what I love to do...I do not even know if I DO LOVE it...or if my depression is a voice inside my head that TELLS ME that I ENJOY doing it. I will never venture out of the house...I will resort to lusting over realtionships in soap operas...damn...
...That is my depression...a little fucking voice...
...or is it other's mean and critical voices...???
What is this THING???

Ya know what... H knows it
And I believe he does it on purpose
To keep me IN.
Inside
Inverted
Introspective
In his freaking life.........

"You broke... my life
There's no surprise
I say a prayer to make you care
You wouldn't listen

You stayed too long
It's time your gone...
Get away from here

I've had too much
But not enough
It's time you left

Good God Almighty
There's no denying
Life would be beter if I never ever had to live with you...
Blue

It's a color so true"
-Fine Young Cannibals

FireFlies

.

I sit in my backyard
Gazing...as...
Fireflies swirl around

Criticism...

ENGULFS me...

I HATE HIM

(but at least it's Summer)

Hmmmm.........
Looks as if I need a nice Lunch
At "The Bistro"
Tommorow.........
It's supposed to RAIN
anyway...

And I do my best
Conversations...
When feeling as if I am Useless

Here Comes Your Man-The Pixies

.

I Do Not Know
What gets into me some times
(I think it is wine)

But when it does...
I just gotta look at HIM...
His arms

And even though
HE is 12 years older than I am

I Wouldn't Even Think Twice
For just
ONE
Moment...

Well it would take more than a moment!!!
( I bet he smells really good!!)

I wish I could drink a magic potion and
Shrink way down till I am small
Enough to fit right into his
Shirt pocket and live
There tucked near to
His heart listening
To it beating in
Rhythm with
Mine every
Minute of
Every day

(Well.... it is just a wish...a dream...a desire!)
((I would actually sink into someone...anyone... who just had THOSE arms))

"Big shake on the box car moving
Big shake to the land that’s falling down
Is a wind makes a palm stop blowing
A big, big stone fall and break my crown
There is a wait so long
You’ll never wait so long
Here comes your man
There is a wait so long
You’ll never wait so long
Here comes your man"
-The Pixies

E.T. CALLS HOME

.

Oh Yeah...

17 called home from Madrid yesterday...
"Happy Father's Day"
Having an Awesome time...
It's 108 degrees
Send More Money!

Learning To Fly-Tom Petty

fly
Originally uploaded by anideg.

Alright...

I am not gonna say that I had a marvelous time yesterday...it had it's ups and downs...but i must say this..

I am learning TO FLY over some of these obstacles and not allow them to phase me as much as they usually do.

I do believe that I have had several days now...without a serious attack of the BLUES.

YESTERDAY:
After waking up earlier than I want to on another hot, cloudless day of crystal blue sky...I pack a bag that encompasses a multitude of activities for an entire day of what some may call "FUN".
The ride seems endless, over an hour out to a lake estate. Should have remembered to pack the Sunday paper, (my very favorite thing to shuffle through on a Sunday). On an upnote; no "Dish to Pass " is necessary...the entire event is catered...down to the very last cute waiter and cabana boy.

My list of NO's:

No eye rolling
No over indulging in drink
No SMOKING
No mood swinging from trees
No asking "When are we going home?"
No flirting with staff
No water sports

Now, some of these No's are my own...others are set rules that I must follow, carefully devised to keep me out of trouble and shamefull conversation around the office or club on later dates.

The water sports rule is my own...after my flirt with death in Maui...I just do not feel comfortable in anything other that a smimming pool with true sides and a bottom.

The smoking rule is not mine and is the hardest to follow....other rules do come quite close....like the NO FLIRTING WITH STAFF RULE... At events such as these...even on vacation, or out and about...I find myself drawn to the staff much more than the guests...waiters, bartenders, wine stewards...all that...must less pretensious. So I tend to look like I have no interest in the rest of the group...which H says makes me look much more stuck up than the regular crowd themselves...WHAT? It is not like I seek the staff out...they come to me...and i have no idea why...it happens to H alot as well...out in public. He thinks we look open to many different types of people. He enjoys this aspect of life...actually...yet DO NOT let it happen around the business crowd! I guess I can try to do that for a day.

NOW SMOKING...is my vice...when nervous, happy, excited, anxious, tipsy, depressed...I just smoke.
So at an event such as this one...I drive myself crazy. No I can go for a few hours without a cigarette...an entire 7 hours on a work day even! But when in positions such as this...knowing that I am not allowed to smoke...it drives me nuts.

So while others are jet skiing, water skiing, tubing, dancing, lounging, and just mingling around to the tunes of the steel drum band....14 does me a big favor...and takes me out on a canoe...way past the bend...to a secret place to smoke a handfull of cigarettes. I feel as if I am doing something illegal..but BLESS his HEART...it does the trick.

The day does not end...the sun sets...the bands changes from daytime frolic to evening jazz. Fireworks begin to fly from the shoreline.
I am tired.

And on the long ride home...I fall asleep in the car.

Today...I wake, throw a swimsuit and shorts...and plan to relax.................................

MY WAY

Mental Note: Hey, I made it through that day...without a mood swing...must figure out how I did that.

"I’m learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down"
-Tom Petty

For "Art's" Sake

.

This is where I go when I truly want to be inspired.
Gonna browse the museum...
Check out the weekend festival...
Listen to Music...
and Hopefully...
try to figure out my Digital Camera...
...Snap some picutres of my own!

It is not a wonderful sunny day
A bit chilly as a matter of fact

But jeans and a sweatshirt
Out near the lake
Will be just FINE!

Last Night-Fifth Dimension

TIC TIC TIC .............
Originally uploaded by mike donahue.

Kids can drvie you crazy...
But so can other things as well

And on a night that I need to get sleep
...Desperate sleep
I will stay up...past two
traveling thorugh the channels
of HBO and Cinemax

I am going to the Festival of the Arts tomorrow
Gonna tour the Art Museum...
Hear some bands...
Embrace the day...
Maybe even buy some art

I must call my father also...with Father's Day and all coming up and I will be gone all day on Sunday...
(The annual Corporate Picnic...big wig...be on your best behavior...my dear...party)
Good old Dad will say a refined "Hello"
I will apologize for the card that did not get there in time...the card that was sooo difficult to pick out...took several days to find
Can not buy one that has all of those wonderful father verses..."You were always there for me" Crap...
But anyways,

I do not think I will get much sleep tonight...
must supervise teenagers who are tempted to skinny dip in neighbor's pools and toilet paper girls houses.
I am not sure
That ...
Hmmm...
Just not sure about much anymore
And I am not even depressed about it!!!!

Hooray!

Should have called my girlfriend T tonight...
she is even more messed up that me..
Go Figure!!
She'll be Fine
It comes and goes...
I need a Good Late Night Movie

"Last night I didn't get to sleep at all, no, no
I lay awake and watched until the mornin' light
Washed away the darkness of the lonely night (lonely night)

Oh, and last night I got to thinkin' maybe I, I, I
Should call you up and just forget my foolish pride
I heard your number ringin', I went cold inside

Last night, I didn't get to sleep at all, no, no,
The sleeping pill I took was just a waste of time
I couldn't close my eyes cuz you were on my mind
And last night I didn't get to sleep at all

I know it's not my fault, I did my best
God knows this heart of mine could use a rest
But more and more I find the dreams I left behind
Are somehow too real to replace (to replace)
-Fifth Dimension

Forgive and Forget-MXPX

You Never Had it so Good
Originally uploaded by blueneurosis.

Back on track...
With my wonderful friends!!! (several of them actaully)

Making me feel a whole lot better...these days.

One of them....is my lovely neighbor "L"

We had a huge falling out last year...over planning a summer vacation with eachother.
Her and her family backed out...for reasons that I did not agree with. And instead of keeping my feelings inside of myself...I told her how I felt...rejected, upset, pissed.

So we didn't talk to eachother for 1 entire year. Made it very uncomfortable in our neighbor hood gatherings and parties...
The END

I did call her twice..to invite her and her husband to a wine tasting party...and also to dinner...but she said she was not feeling well...both times.
The END

ANd then this last Christmas...I came home from shopping to find a life sized folk art snowman...at my doorstep...with a sweet note attached...from her.

And we haven't been the same since. I think we are making up for lost time. What we missied out on for over a year. Cuz right now...we are closer than ever before. She is my new walking partner...laughing partner...just what I need.

So this evening we sat on her deck...after a walk...and planned our girls weekend. She is treating me to an entire weekend of Spa...Shopping...and Sun...in beutiful, serene, Door County. Lovely little antique shops, fun bars, beaches, boating...and just lounging. She says it's for tutoring her depressed teenager during his last weeks of school....but I don't care why...

These last few days...I've never had it so good...so good to laugh with her.

I came home early however (We were up way too late last night) to supervise 14 and his friends...big Slumber Party Tonight...

Big Fun. ?????????????
Lucky I had my 3 hour nap this afternoon. Boy, that felt like heaven... a nap on a cool cloudy day...windows open...up on my bed.

No lyrics here...none needed!

Testing The Aspects of Fearlessness

This is my VERY FAVORITE PICTURE...of all times...of ALL.
I had copies of it in my old classroom.
I have a copy of it on my bedroom mirror.
Sometimes I stand in this exact pose and close my eyes.
(But not on the top of a building...I am afraid of heights!)

I LOVE IT!

Both Ends Burning-Roxy Music

Fireman's Job
Originally uploaded by The Rocketeer.

I LOVE the sun and laid out in it for over 6 hours yesterday... so when compared to the girlfriends that I walked with last night...I get all of the jealous ribbing that they can dish out.
"Damn...you are so lucky to be a teacher and have the entire summer off....just laying around in the sun"
Now this is coming from girls who stayed home just like me a few years back to raise children...they just chose to go back to their POWER jobs...working in offices...12 months out of the year....not me baby...this is the life!

I did start to feel the wrath of the sun while walking however, and would have stepped through a multitude of sprinklers if I wouldn't have just washed my hair!!!

I usually walk alone...but last night, because of the guys plans...I walked with friends. To see us you would have thought we were drunk..I haven't laughed so much in a long time. I don't even know how to describe the conversations we were having...but we got outa control.
And then we passed the firemen!!! There were like 10 of them...all just hanging out...on a corner...by their station...(Not my usual route.) They could have stopped my sunburn pain...yeah...yeah...I wanted to purposely twist my ankel right then and there....they are trained in paramedics aren't they? Sometimes I question my burning soul...I can find something cute in anyone...anywhere!!! Geez...I even spent time with "Lester the Pester" outside of the Lifehouse concert. If I can find sweetness in a vagrant...I will find it in anyone.

So anyway....because of our Sassy moods on the walk....we decided to continue our own little party when we returned home. It ended up in my yard...carried on into the evening...into darkness...into the guys returning home...into the morning.

I don't know how all of them are going to function today...at work and all....Actually...got a phone call from "L" early this morning..she called in sick to work and we spent an entire half hour laughing and giggling about last nights ridiculous behaviors. I believe I had blacked out some of the evenings events...onl;y to be reminded of them...and allowed to laugh again today. If the sun comes out...we plan to tan...but for NOW... My head is Burning...my empty stomach is Burning...my throat is Burning (Mental Note: Quit smoking)...but my skin is not Burning...it just turned brown over night.

Where is a Good Fireman when you need one?

Today...14 and I go shopping...since he skipped out on me yesterday.
Tonight he is having a sleepover...of about 8 boys...gonna be a late one...I will hang out in the living room until the wee hours....making sure that they don't start a fire and do not leave the basement after midnight...to go out and toilet paper houses...the kids favorite activity during sleepovers. Why do I always get the job of Parent Patrol..?

I think I am getting Burnt Out at this.

"Now my course is plain as day
Running bold across to play
Both ends burning with a strange desire
That feeds the fire in my soul tonight
I will dance the night away
Living only for today
Both ends burning while you're counting sheep
Hell-- who can sleep in this heat this night?
Tell me will I ever learn?
It's too late, the rush is on
Both ends burning and I can't control
The fires raging in my soul tonight
Oh will it never end?
Put your foot around the bend
Drive me crazy to an early grave
Tell me what is there to save tonight
Both ends burning
Burning
Burn"
-Roxy Music

Cling and Clatter-Lifehouse

AX036445A
Originally uploaded by rainning13.

Ha!

3 days...3 strikes...I guess it really doesn't matter if 17 is around or not...

Still used to waking up for WORK...I am rolling around at about 6:30 in the morning...and not happy about it. So by the time I gather up enough effort to roll downstairs...H is almost out the door.

"What are you doing up so early?"

"Red shorts and that colored shirt don't really go together that well."

"I suppose you want me to make you coffee or something now?"

Whoa...think tomorrow I will have to pretend I am asleep until I hear the door slam closed!

The whole thing is here is that men are able to say certain things in one breathe and turn around and forget about what they said in the other. Start talking about the weather, or what is for dinner and such...without even thinking about the previous sentences said. I think that is how they work. Like 0's and 1's..."binarily" speaking! Women take things much more seriously. I was still brewing over last night's debate.

So at 8 a.m. I throw on the old swimsuit that I almost lost my life in and venture into the yard...slide a chaise into the sun...plug in the iPod...and lounge....Ha!...that will really piss him off!!!!

One hour on one side...the next on the other...and in two hours I am back inside the house....waiting to take 14 to the mall...Mom and son shopping spree. Lunch...new shoes...shorts...the works. (Maybe even a little something for me)

But...here it is 10:30 and he still sleeps. I guess that is what happens when you are up until 2:30 in the morning playing video games. I was up too...helping my friend "T" online with her drama....but that is a whole other ball of wax.

Think I shall go back in the sun...grease up...and turn myself into a leather handbag!!!!!

Not a cloud in the sky.
Feels like the days when the kids were young and we would hang outside ALL day long..."the gang" and all...sunning...only to go back in the house around 4 or 5 and realize that we all got fried...then shower and come back out around 6 to start up the grills for dinner...pop open the wine...and WHINE...about how stupid we were to not use sunscreen
....but then the H's pull up into the driveways and complain about how all of us got NOTHING done around the house.

What do they want?....STEPFORD WIVES?

Cling and Clatter
Chatter...Chatter
Gosh...I really need a GIRLS WEEKEND....BAD!

Mentla Note: What can I unintentionally do to piss him off when he gets home?

"Too many voices
It won't take long
Which one's right
Which one's wrong
Yours is most likely to be misunderstood

Screaming in tongues on the top of my lungs
'Til I find you
'Til you found me
Somehow I always knew that you would

And I am contemplating matters
All this cling and clatter
In my head, and what you said is ringing,
Ringing faster

And it's all good if you would
Stop the world from making sense
And if I could
Just realize it doesn't really matter,
It doesn't really matter
It doesn't really matter

If I could touch the sound of silence
Now you know I would if I knew
How to make these intentions come around
I'm hearing without listening
And believing every word you are not saying
Speaking without a sound


Trapped inside of these four walls
Walking brainless muppet dolls
Mushroom face beneath the tangles
Bleeding silhouette inside
Dancing like an angel would "
-Lifehouse

Sweetness-Jimmy Eat World

DePrEsSeD
Originally uploaded by MeZaJeYeH.

I realize that I have blogged to this lyric before...
but out on a walk tonight...with H's iPod (I have none...I am the only one in the family without...because I am the frugal one) I listened to this compilation of songs...and EVERY SINGLE SONG reminded me of someone...something...

2nd day of no 17...and an argument ensued about the very fact that I cleaned HIS room. Now I thought that I was doing him a wonderful favor...dusting...cleaning...folding clothes off the floor. Come on now here...I need to get my mind on something besides my depression. So when H pulled into the drive I excalimed...."WOW, baby, you should see what a great job I did on 17's room!"
He totally blasted me....couldn't even look in my eyes...said I had crossed the line by cleaning someone else's room.

So I mixed a drink...watched him pace around...outside/inside...that is what he does when he is unhappy with me...and after two Rum and Cokes...I strapped on the iPod and walked....3 miles...very fast...and every song reminds me of someone...or something...to BLOG to.

I eventally come home to silence and gloom...he is still putzing in the garage and around the house...scowling at my every move....and I sit on the porch with the windows open-finally a comfortable 65 degrees...blasting my Sony-Under the Counter CD player to drown my pain...and some more Rum and Cokes...

I find myself thinking of my very first boyfreind..well...not MY first...but I was HIS first.

He picked me up on a night that I had been dumped...by another...waiting in the wings.

He slipped his arm around me...me a senior in high school..him just a year younger. I did not know what to think...my usual self! We started out strong...spent many nights alone in his car...and his room. My parents did not care for him...as with many other of my boyfreinds. (MY first serious boyfreind was Hispanic and looked exactly like CHICO...from CHICO and the MAN...Freddy Prinz look alike-more on him later)

I broke him in...at the Pfister Hotel on my prom night...a room, a view...in a historic hotel...a historic evening....his very first time...was not the best for me...but I am glad I was his first...you always remember your first I hear. I will always remember him as well. I will also remember the very LAST time we did it. We had broken up, and we knew it was a "Break Up" make out. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks as the final moment occured. It was moving. He said later, that it was the very best one. GOD...how ironic.

I see him about three times a year...at his restauraunt. I purposly go there...to catch his eye...have a few martinis...and smile.
I will stop there next week..I need a fix.

So I sit and think...about SHIT...and after staring at H pace....I feel like strapping on my baby blue Adidas and walking another 3 miles...far, far away
But I drink some more...RUM and Cokes..with no lime...and continue soaking in H's critisism.

GOD...I hate him when he does this.

So I press my wrist against my nose and take in the sweet scent of a new scent that I just got at Marshall Fields last week....it doesn't transform me...but I've got time.

"So tell me what do I need when the words lose their meaning.
I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.
Yeah, stumble until you crawl.
Sinking into sweet uncertainty.

If you're listening.
Are you listening?
Sing it back.

What a dizzy dance.
This sweetness will not be concerned with me.
No the sweetness will not be concerned with."
-Jimmy Eat World

Ghost Train-Counting Crows

I can feel her Temperature Rising
Originally uploaded by Naccarato.

If you start out depressed, everything's kind of a pleasant surprise. It still doesn't mean that those surprises lift you up...out of the blue. It just means you can be surprised. That's all.

Just about now I would allow someone else to hold on to my head
For I am not able to cradle it any longer

When I got home last night, I step outside alone
Gaze up at the moon
Wondering
If anyone else is looking up at the same time
Feeling such confusion
Wrapping their own arms
Around themsleves...

Cuz I can not be the
ONLY one

Who feels this deep emptiness...
Even while they do not need to.

Cleaned out my son's room today...not even missing him yet, but someone's gotta venture in there and dust and such...He will be pissed when he returns...but hey, what else is new. Went out to lunch with my high school buddy. He is doing well and looking fantastic...but somehow, it didn't even phase me...and I consumed my Asian Chicken Salad...and drank my iced tea...somehow...without consuming a single piece of his conversation.

Now...I curl up on the couch and despondantly consume my very last sour blue rasberry Starburst...Damn

I have no idea what to do with my evening...summer's like that for me...I yearn for it...it begins...and I begin to question what the hell I was yearning for.

"I took the cannon ball down to the ocean
Across the desert from the sea to shining sea
I rode a ladder that climbed across the nation
50 million feet of earth between the buried and me.

"How do you do?"
She said "Hey, how do you do?"

She buys a ticket cause it's cold were she comes from
She climbs aboard because she's scared of getting older in the snow
Love is a ghost train through the darkness
Hold on to me darling I got no place to go.

"How do you do?"
She said "Hey, how do you do?"

I took the cannonball down to the ocean
watch the diesel disappear beneath the tumbling waves
Love is a ghost train HOWLING on the RADIO


"Remember everything" She said "When only memory Remains"
"How do you do?"
She said "Hey, how do you do?"
-Counting Crows

Cool Confusion-The Clash

Originally uploaded by Mrs. H.

Tell me my life is not a Frickin' Rollercoaster...

Just when I am feeling like a twisted sparrow that has flown into a window...I am surprised...by life!
TWO emails...on the same click!
One from an old high school buddy that wants to do lunch this week...(there goes my starvation idea)

The second from...hmmm...I do not even know what to call him yet...give me a while...It will come to me! For now he is just...the bassist.
As I typed in my response to his question about meeting him again... I did what I normally do when I needed an answer from someplace other than my own insane mind…I listened for the very next word that someone nearby would say. Unfortunatly I was watching television...but the main character talking on the phone in that scene provided a response. “Yes!” he said into the phone. “Of course I will”
And that is exactly what I typed.

I normally would not consider this.
I normally would brush it off.
I normally do not make plans in advance to hook up with people...it just happens.
But these first two days of summer are not turning out to be that normal at all.

So not acting, or thinking normal whatsoever...I am gonna take a deep breathe...and stick my toes in the water...cuz he just made me smile...
and I do believe that he just may make me smile a bit more...for now

....SOMEONE"S CALLING...but it is not from LONDON...

Interestingly enough I may find that time is what keeps things from happeneng all at once...and right now the timing was right on.

So Confused...Such is LIfe

"Now we must get in touch
If the night is to burn
Someone out there in luck
Lend me your star for a turn"
-The Clash

Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of-U2

cameandwent
Originally uploaded by blueneurosis.

Most of my MOMENTS are hard to get out of

Had THREE of them just yesterday...
The weird depression head trip of a morning-
The tragic tension of a teen getting ready to travel-
The unexpected deterioration of a friendship-

and today...

I repeat the same morning-
Get the teen off on his trip-
and Blog in confusion-

Firstly...I have no idea why I go throught these strange mood swings. Inside my head I turn from happy to sad in a New York Minute. Nobody knows it...it all happens in my head...but it happens nonetheless.

Secondly..the teen got off on his trip after a morning of dancing on eggshells. I took a deep breathe each time I needed to ask him a simple question about his packing skills. "Did you get that shampoo? Would you like a case for your toothbrush?" I hate to say it...but I am glad that he is gone. It should be interesting to see how H and I get along without him around. If there is still this strange form of tension...I fear that I may have to walk out the door. Maybe if I sign a permanent contract for next fall....maybe if I could find a cheap apartment....maybe pigs will fly!

Lastly..the friendship thing...I am very confused...left alone with words that danced around in circles...but never gave a real reason...as if I was able to read between lines. Understood but misunderstood.

I guess sometimes people just give up on each other. They don't mean to, but things happen.

So today I plan to sit on the couch and eat comfort food which falls under the category of Sheer Gluttony Designed to Provide Short-Term Satisfaction...or maybe I will go on a starvation kick and live off of unlimited quantities Shiraz!
(That option sounds a bit better...with summer here and all)


What if John Steinbeck turned out to be right? What if there are some people in this world who just are not meant to be happy.

That's me though...came and went...coming and going...spinning in circles....waves of sorrow, pools of joy.
"I only know...She Came and Went..."
I am a Cat chasing butterflies...and sometimes it starts raining...:(

So here I sit, deciding if this is the day I should venture down to the lake, collecting stones and new summertime friends. But then again...I am also wondering...
Can lightning can strike the same girl twice?

Think I may have to find out.


"I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company love

Never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it"
-U2

Look What You've Done-Jet

In the woods
Originally uploaded by ghostbones.

This is the most beautiful song to cry to.....
I do it each time I hear it
even if I am totally blissful when I do hear it play

I was recently asked if I live in an imaginary world
YES
I believe I do.........

If I don't stop this
I just may lose my mind...
and everything else that I have
that seems so bad at times
but in reality....
Is probably what everyone yearns for

Do I need to stop listneing to music?
I think that is what does it.
The lyrics
step so close to my heart
...and turn me around
in a blink......

A movie quote here...
"What if this is as good as it gets?"

I better hang on to what I have here...before I have nothing at all.
The weatherman predicts a zero percent chance of confidence today. It's hateful with a chance of suicide.

"Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won"
-Jet

Swan Dive-(HED) P.E.

Bill Murray Banner
Originally uploaded by Mrs. H.

This is me...
on the edge...
and for some unforseen reason
I freak out on my very first day of real summer

Don't know why
Don't think I wanna find out

I could clean the dining room
I could help 17 pack his suitcase
I could lie in the sun
I could go for an ealry morning walk
I could be in Austin
I could be content
I could stop this mental madness spinning around inside my head
(No...I don't think I could)

I could roll up into a ball
grasp my head in my hands
and quiver

Who the hell am I?

I think I am driving myself crazy
...and when I look back and read this diary BLOG
I contemplate stopping this up and down ritual
...maybe
if I step away from this thing
and let my head clear up from the storm

I COULD dive down
deep down
into clear water...or i think i will make up a new word for Webster's Dictionary...Pseudocide-"Pretending to kill yourself"

SHIT


"I climb, hand over hand, closing my eyes
Too scared to look down
I climb, hand over hand
Putting distance between I and I and the ground

I get to the top
I stand on the edge
I look to the sky, and say all my prayers

[Chorus]
What could be better than a swan dive into the asphalt
I don't know, nothing can be better than a swan dive into the
asphalt

You should ask somebody, 'Cause I've got nothing to lose tonight
I misplaced my life tonight, chased all my friends away tonight
I don't say the right things
I don't look the right way
That's just not me
I listen to my music too loud, a watch too much damn TV

Tell me, who can control the flood?
No one
Where are the angels?
Nowhere
Where's the compassion?
Nowhere
Who knows the truth?
No one
Who will believe in me?
No one
Who will stand by me?
No one
Who will fly with me?
No one"
-PE

Darts of Pleasure-Franz Ferdinand

Happy Time
Originally uploaded by Danica the Night Stalker.

It was not a very good evening last night...and this morning was not any better.
Conversations do not seem to have the same impact on H as they do for me...so when he asks me if I am Okay...I just answer..."Okay? I haven't been okay for years. Does it seem Okay that I have locked myself in the bathroom?"

And after a quick slapping of myself in the face...I venture out...to the street fair that I wanted to go to...all alone. As I left...I turned around to tell him how much he was hurting me...I don't even think he heard. I've waited my whole life to say that to him and I didn't even enjoy it.

I wander, through art and clothing and about 8 bands on different corners. The smells are intoxicating, especially the incense and petulie oils. Flashback smells of mine!!!

I stop at a table and a band starts up...only to find my very favorite bartender playing on bass. Now I knew he was in a band, but not which one...so I smile, pleasantly surprised. I have always had a thing for bassists...have no idea why. This band was a jazz band on top of it, so because of a new friend it intrigued me.

There he is.
Looking over in my direction.
He waves...
So tall and beautiful
With arms
Spread open wide
As if to say
"Ta Da!"

I walk around some more...and arrive back during a break...chat with him for a bit...until he tells me to wait for the end and meet him for a while.

I do.

I must write it down or it will all seem as if it was just a dream. I don't really know if it was or not.

Coffee
A drive past his studio, for a bottle of wine.
(I do not go inside)
To the top of the lake...
Overlooking...hmmm...I didn't even look!

We sat outside on the grass

We talk about music, and writing, and art.
We talk about work, and the heat of the day.
I can not stop staring at his face, his eyes, his lips, his ears.

But acting as if I am not watching, my eyes betray me and I believe that I have just been caught in a whirlwind.

3 or 4 hours go by, and I have not even thought of the troubles at home that I have behind.

As I pulled into my driveway I thought of all the things I had forgotten to tell him…I must not be much for details.

"You are the latest contender
You are the one to remember
You are the villain who sends a
Line of dark fantastic passion
I know that you will surrender

And I want this fantastic passion
We'll have fantastic passion

You can feel my lips undress your eyes"
-Franz

Somebody's Baby-Jackson Brown

The Daisy Game
Originally uploaded by Catherine Jamieson.

I am sitting...
...Blogging
In a hip East Side Internet Cafe
Waiting for my bartender/bassist buddy
to finish his set
and come back to hook up with ME

...he's the one that watched me at the stage instead of the customers at bar
...he's the one that caused me to drink too much just to watch him pour
...he's the one that recognizes me everywhere I go
...and he's NOT the one that argues with me about how to raise a teenage son.

H shoulda never backed out on this one...
cuz I came down alone
...was found
and may never return!

Still NOT SORRY

"Well, just - a look at that girl with the lights comin' up in her eyes.
She's got to be somebody's baby.
She must be somebody's baby.
All the guys on the corner stand back and let her walk on by.
She's got to be somebody's baby.
She must be somebody's baby.
She's got to be somebody's baby.

She's probably somebody's only light.
Gonna shine tonight.
Yeah, she's probably somebody's baby, all right.

I heard her talkin' with her friend when she thought nobody else was around.
She said she's got to be somebody's baby; she must be somebody's baby.
'Cause when the cars and the signs and the street lights light up the town,
She's got to be somebody's baby;
She must be somebody's baby;
She's got to be somebody's baby.
She's so....

She's gonna be somebody's only light.
Gonna shine tonight.

Yeah, she's gonna be somebody's baby tonight."
-Jackson Brown

Now between you and me...
This will never "happen'
...but never say never

Not Sorry-The Cranberries

lifesaver
Originally uploaded by emdot.

I'm gonna deperately need one of these
this summer to survive the
constant
torture
in this household...

Gosh...I THINK I love them both ( I am not sure)
H and 17...
but it is as if I am odd man out...

I thought spouses were supposed to come to aggreements and stand as a United Front with their children...
I think someone here is messing with my manic mind.

Usually they have me in tears over similar crap
But this time I am standing strong...
I have had it
and
I'm not sorry

(I think they hate me)
Mentla Note: Next time H is drowning...do not risk your life to save his...do not even THINK about it.

On top of everything else...the EVENT that I had wanted to go to today is not on HIS list. See, Three things...all of the ones that were important to me...erased, with the flick of a hand:(

" Keep on looking through the window again
But I'm not sorry if I do insult you
And I'm sad, not sorry 'bout the way that things went
And you'll be happy and I'll be forsaken thee
I swore I'd never feel like this again
But you're so selfish
You don't see what you're doing to me "
-Cranberries

Island In The Sun-Weezer

skip rock beach
Originally uploaded by WaveSpire.

After a night like last night...
I need to soak up some sun
and let myself dry out!

It was a wonderful setting for a festival
In a beautiful park on the river
so serene...
the perfect way to start my summer vacation

We had lots of laughs
We talked with the band
and my very favorite bassist
"Johnny Chicago" was in a delghtful mood.

It was fun seeing them outside again
instead of inside in crowded bars during the winter.

Today...I begin my 83 day routine.
(That is if I get a job in the fall!)

Wake...a bit earlier than I wanted, but it will take me a few weeks to get into the "sleep late" thing.

Throw on some shorts and a tank top...
roll downstairs for coffee and cigs...
sit on patio...ahhhhh!

Had to charge myself into getting to the grocery store...which is obnoxiously difficult now that summer is here because I need to stock up the fridge for the teens and their picky tastes. I'd rather throw them $40 a week and let them get fast food instead.

Now...for the rest of the day....
Our neighbors are very close...If you got rid of the men us girls would be like the Ya Ya's. We range in age form 30-60.
Today while the guys do their 5K run in the morning..us gals get our shopping done as quick as we can so that we can lounge around...either at someone's pool, or gazebo, or patio, or just under a tree!
Today...we are gonna put on our suits and FLOAT.

The yards connect, as if we are an island, and when all the kids were little they would run around in the sun, eating freeze pops, and driving us crazy. Now they are hardly around...but still driving us crazy. The guys will trim bushes...and BOND...wash their cars and BOND...and we will just hang out.

Ya Ya's!

My very best neighbor friend is actually in Austin TX this weekend...where I should be with her. But, because of other commitments...I had to bow out.

So...out of this air conditioned comfort I go...
83 days...
shorts and barefeet...
No schedules...
No cares...

Mental Note: DO NOT let the kids drive me crazy.

It is like a Holiday Island around here...
but only when I keep thinking happy thoughts...
not letting my manic mind get in the way...
hmmm...it's only been several hours
but I got things in the back of my mind that are gonna keep me occupied this summer!

"When you’re on a holiday
You can’t find the words to say
All the things that come to you
And I wanna feel it too

When you’re on a golden sea
You don’t need no memory
Just a place to call your own
As we drift into the zone

On an island in the sun
We’ll be playing and having fun
And it makes me feel so fine
I can’t control my brain

We’ll run away together
We’ll spend some time forever
We’ll never feel bad anymore"
-Weezer

Martini Kiss-Senses Fail

Tini Time
Originally uploaded by Drama Queen from Jersey.

I wore these really cute white pants today
So of course
Murphy's Law
My body reboots the ovarian operating system

That is my favorite term for what others may call
Riding the cotton pony
Or
Surfing the crimson wave
Nope…not me
Just rebooting the ovarian operating system

And I stayed at school all day...in this weird state of discomfort...at least it was a day of no kids. Just bending, lifting, moving crap from my room to my car. Then over to the high school for a staff lunch...which was wonderful. I really enjoy the principal there, and we had a great last discussion. I will miss him, and the entire staff, the guy that is gonna retire next year...who always greets me with a smile, my library dude, my female friends, and even the young PE teacher who always got to school 30 seconds before me and stole my "Traveling Teacher" preferred parking spot...damn him...I'd give him a piece of my mind if he wasn't so young and attractive. LOL
Everyone smiles when I turn towards the door, something the highschool boys hadn't done for me in weeks.

Trust me, during those last few weeks, if my students even looked amused while I was in front of the room lecturing, it was only because my zipper was down-It had turned into a total waste of time.
Granted...having them try to get through some of those novels was a bad move that I only took over because their original teacher had assigned them, but it dragged on and on and I probably could have read them faster... but every couple of chapters I had to stop and throw certain books across the room!!!!!

If I do not get another contract I should become an actress. Seriously…Academy Awards have been given out for performances worse than those I have given in room 222!

Back at the middle school I literally BUMP into a parent that I had developed an interesting bond with. He worked at all of the same track meets that I did, had a wonderful sense of humor, dressed very nicely (even at track meets), and reminded me alot of Jay Leno. Now it's not like I think that Jay Leno is desperatly attractive....but in the scheme of things, he had A LOOK, carried himself unbelievably well, laughed A LOT, and was a great flirt. So when I turn to walk out of the coaches room...we bump. He smiles...gives me a hug...(I think he is the only guy in the building that is not perspiring!!)...and taps me on top of the head..."Bye, bye, butterfly!!!"

I go back to my own room, check my email one last time, spin around...and breathe.
I take a LONG LOOK. I look at the rooms, the halls, the faces.
I love to study other teachers and wonder what type of tattoo they would get if you actually forced them...mine would be a daisy...on the top of my middle toe. If I ever get back to this place, I just may ask them!

So long dear job.
It's MARTINI TIME
Mental Note: Remember these lyrics...it always happens with martinis!!!

"Theres poison in my drinking glass
Don't stop just sip it down
And in a swirling masquerade of sound
My body hits the ground"
-Senses Fail

Shake It Up-The Cars

ATC 23
Originally uploaded by ART NAHPRO.

I have been shaken...
In many ways recently
But one "shake" that I can actually laugh about
Happened late last night

I was up until the striiking hour of
Midnight...
For one reason or another...hmmm...restless...sleepless...i guess!
And when I finally attempted the climb up the stairs
In a darkened house
I realized that I had better use the "facilities"
one last time.

So through my bedroom I go
Still in the DARK
Tripping over the dog
Stubbing my toe on one of his strategically placed bones...(he places them in spots just to make me scream out swear words!!!)
Mental Note: Hide his dinosaur sized bones
I finally making it through the suite to my bathroom

Now notice how I say MY bathroom. No one else uses this room but ME.
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME...GET IT?

But last night...when 17 came home and found me still downstairs...he tiptoed through my forbidden zone...used MY bathroom...and forgot
to put the toilet seat down...

And last night...
In the deep dark of the house...
Without looking...
I fell through...

Enough Said!

He really shakes me up.

Now Tonight...
I am gonna SHAKE IT UP...
Very first BIG concert festival of the
REAL SUMMER

One of my favorite bands
20 or so Friends
Outside
No crowded bars like we had to deal with in the Winter.

Song List-
Too many good ones to list...
but am waiting to here
Hey Ya...Outcast!

I don't know if I can contain myself all day!!!!
I better try.

I need to relax a bit...catch my breath...
Lost a lot of sleep last night...even after my Plunge
Laid awake...just laying awake...Now hard to wake!

Another HOT one today...high 80's...maybe I will skip the Picnic for lunch and just ride in the AC car


"Well dance all night get real loose
You don't need no bad excuse
Dance all night with anyone
Don't let nobody pick your fun
Shake it up, oo-oo
Shake it up, yeah yeah
Shake it up, oo-oo
Shake it up

That's right I said dance all night (go go go)
And dance all night (get real low)
Go all night (get real hot)
Well, shake it up "now", all you've got, woo"
-The Cars

Just Another Dream-Cathy Dennis

roucouler une romance
Originally uploaded by anideg.

I am flying
I am estatic
I am high
...and it has nothing to do with
Anything in my house
Or my family
Or my crappy...well whatever....

Last day with kids...
Chaperoned 8th GRADE dance in the afternoon
Out with co-workes after work

Too many things outside of my homelife
TO make me happy
...Must forget about shameful existence
and learn
TO DREAM!!!!!

SUMMER AWAITS

...and I smiled at sooo many people
Insdie their cars
Today!

When I am around others my special purpose is to make cause for them to smile…
Has always been.
I guess I get this trait from childhood. My special purpose assigned to me at birth was to make my "nervous breakdown" mother smile.
Baby C-CARETAKER OF DEPRESSED HOUSEWIFE.

When I flowered into a teen and ventured out of the house on my own I smiled-a lot-soooo happy to be out! I was a cheerleader-for "the team" and friends alike.
But still…inside my mind of memories…sad visions lingered. I kept 2 things close to my heart…a diary…and many friends. I disclosed my inner-most thoughts in text…verbalizing out loud only of happiness, bliss and content-
I tired to compose myself in a viewfinder...negatives of my depressed suicidal mother.
25 years go by...
I have written many things since then…in journals, in notes, on rocks…
but always in fear of having them found...
an opening to me, my dark and turmoiled mind.
(Remember-my diary was discovered and then I burned it at the creek.)
But with the BLOG...I let go.

These are the MEMOS TO SELF
My MENTAL NOTES…
Things I would never say outloud. Never, to no one…or is that any one?
So please my dear friends, you would not recognize me in public
My smile shines through in all I do (well, not the other day actually- that was a Twister!)
But do not fret-
I am happy
I just have demented thoughts…is all.

"She was elusive
She was today
She was tomorrow
She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower
The flitting shadow of an elf owl
We did not know what to make of her
In our minds we tried to pin her to a corkboard
Like a butterfly
But the pin merely went through and away she flew"
-Spinelli
excerpt from Star Girl



"Is this for real or is it just another dream
Is this for real or is it just another dream"