In Hiding

Originally uploaded by peggy..

And Today...
She never came OUT
From Under the Bed

Wish I could crawl underneath it all
With Her

3 more days
Looks like she ain't gonna
make it

Adam's Song-Blink 182

318_layby
Originally uploaded by Forbidden Apple.

I am Sinking...

The girls at the Treatment Center
that I used to work with were Cutters

I often wondered how they could do it
Hurt themselves
Cut their arms
Multiple slashes

But now...
Tonight
I looked at my own wrist...
Watching
that Little vein...so relaxed
Then tightened
When making a Fist
Bulging

I was once told that Sadness could be Beautiful
I was once asked if I would ever hurt Myself

I do NOW believe the Answer is NO to both questions
But I do Now also...
Understand How my girls could
Cut themselves......


Too Blue
-Langston Hughes

I got those sad old weary blues.
I don't know where to turn.
I don't know where to go.
Nobody cares about you
When you sink so low.

What shall I do?
What shall I say?
Shall I take a gun and
Put myself away?

I wonder if
One bullet would do?
Hard as my head is,
It would probably take two.

But I ain't got
Neither bullet or gun-
And I'm too blue
To look for one.

Adam's Song
-Blink 182
"I never thought
I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all

I took my time,
I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, To go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone"

Time, Time, Time: See What's Become Of Me

time, time, time: see what's become of me
Originally uploaded by Fifi LePew.

Times Stands Still.....

No Discussion
No Reply

Feeling all Chewed
and Spit Out

SomeTIMES
Minutes seem like Hours
Waiting

For HIM just to say Something

Just Push Play-Aerosmith

In Center
Originally uploaded by HaMeD!caL.

I can not get enough facinating conversation when I am around the"Soccer Guys". There is just something about them that I can not resist in their sweet accents that entices me to smile, laugh and become totally charmed.

So yesterday after the Spanish...and the English...and the French...and the Irish guys left...H and I were left standing with the men of the Carribean. Trinidad, Jamaica, Martinique, and St. Lucia....of all which have white wives/girlfriends...all who consumed imported 100 proof Rum...and all who discussed this wonderful cruise that is being planned that tours many of the islands over 7 days. Now THAT sounds like a party that I will not be missing!

And speaking of parties...this one was better than expected...but after several bottles of Island Rum... H and I are talked into hosting the "End of Summer Soccer Season" party in a few weeks....which just so happens to include Togas...Masks...a Reggae band...and much more RUM

Just Push Play...I could play with these guys all day!!!

Save Us SOS-Hot Hot Heat

Carnival 1
Originally uploaded by simpolman.

We went to another Carnival/Festival last Night...unfortunatly all of our other drinking/dancing partners in crime were unavailable.

H is the most boring person to be at one of these things alone with. He does not like to be in the middle of the crowd...so we sit at a table on the outskirts of the tent...so far away from any action, I fear that I may be at the gas station across the street by mistake. Now when H is with friends...he is in the middle of the action...but just with me, it is not worth the effort for him. So we sat in quiet despair, wondering what what is in eachother's mind.

I had driven 14 and a bunch of his wild and crazy friends along with us...they had plans to meet up with some girls. I watched them all from the distance...(sitting on the outskirts of a tent allows one to do that...) they were having so much fun.

The band that was playing is one of my favorites...slowly turning into my very favorite.
One of 14's friend's has a father who is in the band. They do mainly 80's-Now cover songs very well and also have a cute younger guy that plays bass and violin....REALLY GOOD violin/fiddle....Come on Eileen...Devil went down to Georgia...stuff like that for the violin. They have a great stage presence. Well...they have 14's friend get up and play guitar for a song in the last set..."Are You GOnna Be My Girl" by Jet. All the teens are thinking this is soooo cool. There is a crowd of about 700 under this tent...I went up to the stage to watch this particular event!!! ALl the kids had sooo much fun.

I was bored STIFF

Today I am forced to perform the wifely duty of attending the annual Men"s Soccer Party at one of the Soccer Dude's houses with H. The only good thing about this is that I adore alot of these guys and enjoy listnening to their brawny stories with their English, Irish, Carribean, and Spanish accents. I hate talking to their wives...who are also forced to attend...and I can not stand to be around H after he bored me so last night.

Hmmmm....he went out for a RIDE this morning....
"Such a lovely morning, i think i will take a drive."

Good.................GO..............You and HER have FUN.

SOMEBODY SAVE ME

Silenced

miss you 2
Originally uploaded by no practice.

She was Not aLLowed to
SPEAK

AgaiN

Yet she HaD
NO IDEA
whY

Two Step-Dave Matthews

Rudbeckia fulgida / ルドベキア
Originally uploaded by poesie.

So again today I shall reach out....

Take Two Steps in a New Direction
I am having Lunch at a very Swank restaurant in the Third Ward...Stepping Out!!!!

Gonna tAke a chance here....and as they say in the Businees wOrld...not the Teaching World...."NETWORK"

Last Night while L and I were walking...it was beautiful and cooler than usual, not so humid and almost "Fall-Like"...we both decided that we wanted to
RUN AWAY....
"What would they do if we just packed our bags and drove very fast and very Far away?"
I Do Believe we are Feeling a bit let down with our lives....after that Wild and Crazy Weekend we had a bit AGO!!!

T had friends over and there were 5 dogs in her yard....running around like crazy...and they all jumped in the pool...which wouldn't have been sooooo bad, except for the fact that we had already put the solar cover on...so the guys almost had to jump in and rescue a few who were getting caught up in the plastic!!! At least i had a laugh, which hasn't been had in about a week.

If today pans out...I just may not be jobless for much longer.

(Fingers Crossed)

Like this FLOwer...I reach out...But Curl...retract...
For FEAR of being Plucked

Dance Away-Roxy Music

lavenderdanceredone
Originally uploaded by lavenderlou.

Not Dancing HERE

"Loneliness, is a crowded room,
Full of open hearts, turned to stone.
All together, all alone.
All at once, my whole world had changed.
Now I'm in the dark, off the wall,
Lit the strobe light up the hall.
I close my eyes, and dance til dawn.

Now I know, I must walk the line
Until I find an open door,
Off the street or onto the floor.
There was I, many times a fool,
I hoped and prayed, but not too much,
Out of reach is out of touch,
All the way is far enough.

Dance away the heartache,
Dance away, tears.
Dance away the heartache,
Dance away, fears.

Dance away..."
-Roxy Music

True Confessions-Blue Oyster Cult

"You never ask me about anything"....I said as we sat across the table from one another. "It is as if you could care less about my day."

"You make no sense. Would you like one of my oysters, or would you like to pick a fight?"

And I am BLUE

Can't Get It Out Of My Head-ELO

Going Narcissus
Originally uploaded by HaMeD!caL.

He just picked up his Words
and Left me
Searching for More
of Him to Love

He pulled Me in
Sought out my care and COncern
While I was just minding mY own Business
Funny......

I Can't Get It Out oF My Head

"Breakdown on the shoreline,
Can’t move, it’s an ebbtide.
Morning don’t get here till night,
Searching for her silver light.

And I can’t get it out of my head,
No, I can’t get it out of my head.
Now my old world is gone for dead
’cos I can’t get it out of my head, no no"
-ELO

Flavor Of The Week-American Hi-Fi

food for thought
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

I could Do ANYTHING
to Tempt him...
And it Just Doesn't matter

H Could CARE Less...
He Won't TOUCH Me :((

The more I evaluate his behaviors
The more I feel that my instincts are correct
The more I justify his cold reactions towards ME

...and all of my Fantasies about Others
...and all of my Conversations with Others
...never could be considered CHEATING

Today while I was out waiting for my freinds to join me for the Going Away party I first stopped at the restaurant where I have been going these last two Tuesdays. The guy who plays the Trivia game at the bar was there, being friendly...but there was Always a barstool between us. He is cute, but today I noticed a wedding ring on his finger...and then all of a sudden it was gone. I had to leave however, to join the party at a different place...but as I waited at the bar for my girlfriends...I talked to a Wonderful gentleman who was in his 80's or so...JOE. He was wonderfully charming, and as I left my spot to get a table with friends...I thanked him for his time.

Tonight at HOME....I am terribly Miserable...and even though I wear these great faded and ripped jeans with a light pink t-shirt and toe nail polish to match....I feel Awful around H....and terribly DESPERATE

I am NOT Even a Flavor of the DAY.

"She paints her nails
And she don't know
He's got her best friend on the phone
She'll wash her her
His dirty clothes are all he gives to her
And he's got posters on the wall
Of all the girls he wish she was
And he means everything to her

Her boyfriend
He don't know
Anything about her
He's too stoned
Nintendo
I wish that I could make her see
She's just the flavor of the week


It's Friday night
She's all alone
He's a million miles away
And she's dressed to kill
The TV's on
He's connected to the sound
And he's got pictures on the wall
Of all the girls he's loved before
And she knows all his favortie songs

She makes me weak"
-American Hi-Fi

STORMY NIGHT

I fell asleep
OUTSIDE
...and the Wind picked up
...and the DOG freaked out
...and all of my chairs flew off of the patio

I had 7 teens sleeping in the basement
I equipped them with flashlights...
The power went out twice

I Love a STORM

It is similar TODAY...
I am feeling Very DOWN
Yet, there is a party I must attend this afternoon....
A GOing Away deal for a Teacher friend of Mine
(Another Teacher friend has Left me as Well)

I am going to get Blasting Drunk at 1:30 in the Afternoon
and Find Someone to Take my Mind Off
of ALL my Troubles

Hoping For a STORM....

Did I ever Tell you that I HATE CHRISTMAS???????

LOOK OUT! ïòð

MemosToSelf is a radioactive squirrel!!

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

A Bigger Mood-American Hi-Fi

brick wall erotica
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

"What's wrong Joe? I feel like we're lifting Off."

"I'm still here."

"Yes...But you're NOT"

To tell you the truth...I WISH
I was lifting OFF
Cuz I don't think I can make it here on my own.
And I DO SO WANT TO LIFT OFF

Not Even Jail-Interpol

Things Weren't Looking Good
Originally uploaded by vintage girl.

Thing's WERE Looking Good
Until....

I adopted a Cat that Hates my Dog
17 Decided to Torture my Life
H sinks deeper into his Deception
1 Pac of Cigs per day doesn't quite Cut It
Alcohol replaces Diet Coke
I've exhausted the library DVD collection
I still have NO JOB
Clouds replace the Sun

I SINK Into this Deep Depression...Again

We are all alone and that’s a fact. Everything else is just window dressing.

What do you do when your life gets as bad as it can and it just keeps getting worse? All I want is darkness and silence.
Seems as if No One is Happy unless I am unHappy
Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So I sink into the Couch and watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the billionth time...wondering if it may really be possible to erase memories of Love

"Yeah but nobody searches
And nobody cares somehow
When the loving that you've wasted
Comes raining from a hapless cloud
Then I might stop and look upon your face
Disappear in the sweet, sweet gaze
See the living that surrounds me
Dissipate in a violet place

Can't you see what you've done to my heart,
and soul?
This is a wasteland now"
-Interpol

Desperate But Not Serious-Adam Ant

My Dream
Originally uploaded by vintage girl.

Well... I must say (and Admit)
LIFE GOES ON

-"The Cat" who is still un-named at the time
...She is getting used to a few rooms downstairs right now...not the whole house, just a few rooms. She has attempted to scratch off the dog's entire nose, which is not a good gesture if she cares to stick around this place very long....SERIOUSLY!

-14 refused to clean up the toilet papered yard, claiming that there was no proof that it was his friends...it could very well have been the deeds of 17's friends...but at 17 and 18 I do believe that they are phasing out of that stage...they are not that DESPERATE for entertainment!!!

-17 returned home from the Dave Matthews Band concert at 2 this morning...in a fairly chipper mood, considering he had been at the event for 15 hours on a 97 degree day. He did find an iPod in the parking lot at the end of the evening and "Had NO IDEA how to find it's owner"...so he brought it home and offered it to me. See, I am the only one in the family that DOES NOT have one. i wonder what he will charge me for it!!!!! SERIOUS

-H will go off to work today and run with his little co-worker girlfriend. They will IM eachother while not running, or while she is not standing/flirting/laying down in his office. If the frickin' company gym had a sauna...I am almost sure you could catch them in there too. And like I said before...with all of the dreams and flirtatious illusions I have had since I started this BLOG (and before hand) I should be happy for him....he can now enjoy passionate feelings and love for someone...of which he has not felt for me in years...Just Yesterday I lay on the bed fresh out of a bath...in just an oversized sea foam towel. When he came up to see if I was ready to go out, he layed down next to me...I rolled over and put my hand on his back....he rolled over to face the other way....Lovely... If I am correct with my assumptions here, at least he is not feeling left out, alone, confused, and unloved with HER....or DESPERATE.

-And ME????
What About ME???
Whatever will I DO???

Well....
I'm gonna
-Go to the library
-Meet some friends at the bar
-Rent some sappy movies
-Walk with my new iPod
............and
-Yes, Find A New Job...4 weeks to lift off!
(Ground Control to Major Tom)


This is a great little picture I used for my post....
Very Creative and True for my Moment these days

"Her little wings
grew fainter

She forgot the dawn

I am AFRAID
She felt something choking her"

Training?

I DO
believe H's Marathon Training involves HER

RUN AWAY...run very FAR away

Hmmmmm....never considered the Humor of the Situation
Before I observed THEM together
...But he does mention HER name often
...Work very closely with HER
....and have a Strange distance with ME

Happy Boys & Girls-Aqua

Remember back when you were in high school?
Being toilet papered meant that you were not the most popular kid in your class...but probably a super Geek.

Well evidently now, it is a sign of Status and Popularity
With 17 around...we have been hit with the secret Night Time Deed many too many times...
But now, as 14 enters his first year in High School
...Hanging out with different groups of girls each night and day...
We are the victims of two different Social Groups

This morning I woke up to not only being toilet papered overnight
(with both H and the ever clever watchdog sleeping downstairs)

We were not only Toilet Papered...
...but Forked
...Tamponed
...and Evidently...
our Home is up for sale by OWNER!!!

Can't wait till 14 wakes up and sees how frickin' POPULAR he is!!!!

Lose You-Pete Yorn

ATC48
Originally uploaded by ART NAHPRO.

I think I have figured it all out...
with H
I observed his interactions with a co-worker last evening
So did her husband...

I think there is something going on with her
Little INUENDOS of Lunch Time Runs
so called---Training Inspiration
Glances in eachother's directions
Smiles
The placement of where to sit
Both of them going away from the table at the same time

He even snuck away and emailed her on his day off of work today..."Just to see how a project was going."

And somehow...
Everything is now explained

It really doesn't make me feel Better about anything
But myself

When Your Gone-The Cranberries

Coming
Originally uploaded by feaverish.

I have occupied idle time this week with several "sidetracks of the mind" to keep myself from realizing that HIM has not been around. I know he is Coming...but when he is Gone...there is a funny empty feeling inside.

Bite the Bullet

Talked to H on the phone last night
He asked me what I was thinking...Something that I had wanted for soooo long, and I turned my back.

I woke up early this morning...hopped in the car at 9:30 and drove back to the shelter. Sat in the parking lot until they opened and then drove away...without ever going in. Paced the grocery store. Drove home.

H called again...told me I was crazy. I talked myself out of a CAT again...so close but yet so far.
Hung Up...Jumped in the car..and went to get her...
Wrap her up
Fill out the paper work
Take her home

SHE IS LOVELY!!!!

Anxious-General Public

Creepy Eye
Originally uploaded by CinnabarTears.

...I had a very unusual PANIC ATTACK TODAY
After a lazy afternoon at a downtown farmers market, a trip to visit with my favorite bassist/bartender playing in the "what was supposed to be" SUN
...That turned into raindrops and me seeking refuge under the tent of a very accomodating roasted corn vendor named "James"
I was allowed a very long break in the music to stand under the band gazebo and chat with my
musical muse

I did, however, feel a bit let down...the rain turned into a downpour and his band never returned to the stage...I felt a bit lonely afterwards...and let down.

I decided to make a pit stop at the local Humane Society...found myslef a beautiful black cat with emerald green eyes...4 year old surrender, very petite female, who cuddled in my arms more than anything has cuddled in my arms in the last 6 or7 years. I was smitten, and against all of my better judgement I filled out the adoption papers and purchase cat litter and food.
Upon putting it into the trunk of my car, and making the short walk back inside to pick up the waiting cat...I FREAKED
Turned Pale as a Ghost
Totally Lost IT
Have no Idea why....
With a shaken voice and a timid smile
I had to tell the adoption agent that I had made a mistake....even though I have longed for a cat since my last one passed away....I had to TURN AWAY.

There she sat
in her cage
Sad and Lonely
Just Like ME

Anxiety takes many forms

so now
Here I sit
On my Couch
All alone
With litter and food in my trunk

SHIT

My Favorites

WHEN I begin to feel a little (or a lot) DOWN
Feeling like a wilting Gerber Daisy....
I pull up my list of
FAVORITE THINGS

It's Long...but it makes me Happy

My VERY FAVORITE THINGS
(not in any specific order)

Falling in Love

Laughing so hard your face hurts

Gerber Daisy's

A hot bubble bath

No lines at the supermarket

A special glance from someone you do not know

Getting mail

Taking a drive on a pretty road

Hearing your favorite song in the car on the radio

Lying in bed listening to the rain outside

Hot towels fresh out of the dryer

Chocolate milkshake…or vanilla or strawberry

Softly giggling with a friend

A good conversation that you don't want to end

The beach in the rain or sunshine

Finding a twenty dollar bill in your coat from last winter

Late night conversations on the couch that last for hours

Laughing for absolutely no reason at all

Laughing at an inside joke

Laughing at yourself

Having someone unexpectedly tell you that you are beautiful

Friends

Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you

Waking up still realizing that you have a few hours to sleep

Your first kiss- either the very first or your very first with a new partner

Making new friends or spending time with old ones

Playing with a new puppy

Having someone play with your hair

Sweet dreams

Hot chocolate

Road trips with friends

Swinging on swings

Making eye contact with a cute stranger

Making chocolate chip cookies…or better yet, having someone else make them for you

Running into an old friend and realizing that some things, good or bad never change

Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open a much desired present from you

Watching the sunrise

Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day

Knowing that somebody misses you

Getting a strong hug from someone you care about deeply

Knowing you’ve done the right thing no matter what other people think

The butterfly feeling in your stomach when the curtain goes up at a performance

The grand finale of a fireworks display

Snowflakes on your tongue

Making snow angels at midnight on New Years Eve

Holding hands, feathering fingers

Uncarved pumpkins, those with the really deep lines that are short and squat

That first cool night when you sleep on freshly washed feather top mattress pad and crisp sheets

Door County cherries

That anxious heart pounding feeling while getting ready for a night you’re really looking forward to, with loud music on in the background

When someone walks past you and they smell fantastic

A book so good that you can’t put it down, but don’t want it to end

A night so good you don’t want it to end

The jazz station that used to play in the background of my classroom

A flock of geese flying overhead

Yellow finches in the bushes

The smell you experience when you get off of the plane outside in a tropical destination

The mist of a waterfall

Sitting behind a waterfall

Pink clouds at sunset

My Chicago Black Hawks jersey and jeans

Spending over 20 minutes in front of a favorite piece in an art museum

Watching the polar bear swim at the zoo

An absolutely obnoxious night out of bowling, drinking, and kareokeing with the girls-preferably to Paradise by the Dashboard Lights or Nancy Sinatra’s-These Boots Were made For Walking or any tune from Grease-just plain silliness-haven’t done that in 6 years

Saving a drowning bug out of the water in the pool

A moment in a movie the makes you or the person next to you tear up

The top of a ferris wheel…even though I am afraid of heights

A picnic

Jazz in the Park

A cold marble floor

Sun through the window

A flowing creek that makes soft noises

The butterfly museum, especially when they land on you or a friend

Sweet juicy oranges, or preferably cold clementines

Catching a toad, not a frog

Collecting rocks from a special place

Bare feet

A warm blanket

The Sunday paper, read in a certain order, at a slow pace, with coffee

Helping a lost dog find it’s family

Getting ready for vacation

Standing in a long line and striking up fun conversation instead of getting fidgety, and then when you get to the front, being really nice to the clerk

Helping someone old, even if it’s just with a smile

Making someone’s day

Someone making mine

Shut Up-Blink 182

You'll Get Yours
Originally uploaded by blueneurosis.

Is it Wrong to HATE your family?
Not like your parents who raised you
or your siblings
But the family that you created?

Someday...They will get Theirs
Cuz I have already gotten MINE

I am a nervous wreck around 17
He makes me want to run...far...far...away
An unending stream of hurtful words and actions.

Today is the perfect example of what I go through
....A day that could have been filled with the fantastic bonding experience of mother and son...
Senior Picture Photography Session

I ran errands only to stay out of the house while he freaked out about what he would wear...two choices of outfits, one a shirt and tie, another more casual...polo and shorts.

Because H was out of town and 17 could not get his act together early enough to have him pre-tie his tie for him...I was to blame. That was the beginning of the rage. Swearing, Screaming, Throwing a pile of mail across the dining room, spilling out onto the floor. Evidently I am a Dumb Ass Bitch that deserves the crap he deals me.

I want to Run
I want him to Shut Up
I remain Silent and walk away...wait in the running car, for him to come out and be driven to his appointment. After listening to him swear and scream at me the entire way to the studio...I am in no shape to join him in the photo shoot room. I quietly approach the receptionist desk, take out my credit card, and fall into the arms of a navy blue leather couch that awaits me.
Other parents stroll in with happy teens, joining them, laughing, numerous outfits. I gaze at the pictures of his classmates on the walls. I listen to him talking and being kind to the photographer in the other room.

I want to shrivle up and die.

In the end...in the car...on the way home...he attempts an apology.
It lasts for a milli-second...only to continue with why I am such a Bitch that only sits in the sun, watches movies on TV, smokes, and looks at my laptop.

I hate HIM.
And H is next on my list.

The Dining Dead

During dinner...
I strategically place the tall centerpiece of flowers
right in the very middle
So I do not have to look at him

I sip my red wine
He talks
And never even notices
that I am not there
Never looking for me to respond

I hear his voice
And the annoying scratching
Of the fork on his teeth....

DAMN

Deep Massage

Deep massage
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

Ok...
Two days later, after my very FIRST massage
I could really use another

I barely got dressed and did not leave the house
Just hung out, surfed the Internet, and watched
"The Notebook" (several scenes twice)

This is sorta a phase I go through after being out and about, having too much fun. I used to do it all the time when I was going out with the girls on a weekly basis. I would have the time of my life....but then the very next day it was a tragic downer.

It doesn't help that 17 just wanders around the house barking mean things at me...and very shortly H will arrive home from work to tell me all of the things that I should have done today, did not do at all, and need to do tonight.

I am trying to make plans to keep my week busy.

I think I shall just soak into a couple beers this evening and hide out in the shade of the yard....smoking.

If I try real hard, I may just beome a success at FAILURE

I seriously need a DEEP MASSAAGE ...or a fabulous night of sex.
Hmmmm....not gonna get either around here!

Here's To The Night-Eve 6

Framed 2
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

A girl's Gotta DO...what a Girl's gotta DO!

And I should have taken a chance.....
But didn't
Held back
For what????

Came home from a weekend
entered the HOUSE
and questioned my very own
Reasoning....

OK...Saturday Night FEVER?????

John Henry
Jon-E-Vegas
Bob
Jim
Dave
Brian
Skater DUDE
Tongue Pierced DUDE (double piercing)
His Polo shirt Buddy
The two georgeous But quiet observers directly across the bar
Smiling all the time....

6 Hours/ 11 potentials....
To take my overactive mind off of my boring suburban life
uninterested husband
and unforgiving teens....'

After a day of shopping in quaint waterside shops
A wonderful morning of purchases
-4 beautiful amber and green colored votive candle holders
-Hand woven black and gray simple shoulder bag-one of a kind
-Lovely antique yard trellace
-Salt Water taffy for kids
-Mustard, cherries and wine for H

Afternoon Spa services lasting over 3 1/2 hours
-Rusitic decorated room, aromatic, calm, deep massage
(tearful release of stress)
-Pedicure
-Manicure

Back to room...Corona....Nap

Dinner at fine Seafood restaraunt with 8:00 reservations

The night of enchantment begins...
6 hours/11 potential encounters

What the F**** am I doing?????

2:30 a.m.
It is either a curse or a miracle that L
gets her period and needs to go back to the shelter of the room-
Because I do not know who I would have chosen
or what I would have done????

All I do know for sure....
is that it would have been a mistake
a foolish mistake

Because the ONE I truly yearned for was not there...
and that yearning wasn't for H sitting inside my house 200 miles away either!!!!

Vacation-Go Go's

I am back from a very well deserved weekend trip with my best friend L. We squealed out of the drivway at exactly 2:35 on Friday afternoon and arrived back home in the exact same driveway on Sunday at 3:05 p.m.
L treated me to the ENTIRE weekend blast from dinners to spa treatment, lunch, a stop for supplied at a nearby market, the accomodations and even a special hand woven handbag. This was in reciprocation for tutoring her son last quarter and not accepting a penny...all in the name of best freinds!!

I paid for all bar cocktails, several games of pool, our last day's lunch, and my own treats to bring home to my unworthy family. The bar cocktails are a bit of something that I get off very cheap on, only because I seem to have a most gracious way of getting to know a bartender, talking to him by name, and ending up never receiving the need to pay for a tab. I tried to teach L the same skills, she was beging to catch on!

A quick synopsis...
Day 1
Long trip made in 3 hours...
Sang all the way-acted like fools.
Fancy dinner out-live Jazz outside on the water.
Rest of the evening spent in little Mexican bar...
Margarittas
Coronas
Sombrero's
and Steve...
a 26 or so year old local
who told me to drive L home and come back by myself!
He liked my rings, brushed up on my shoulder, and was quite interesting

What stops me at that Point?
I went to my room, laying in bed, and wondering...

"If I truly acted on what I really wanted and desired...
Would I ever finally be happy???"

I could not sleep
It was 1:30 in the morning...
What holds me back???

Story of my life.
Holding back

.....Saturday
Shopping
Shopping
Spa

So Nice

I am having a very difficult time here at home right now
arguing with 17 about his evening plans at a lake house tonight...
no phone numbers provided
and the asshole H allows him to go above my wishes...
I truly HATE my family...
I should never have come home...
Taken up the Sunday invitation to sail on a 40 foot boat
in the bay
all day

SHould have NEVER COME HOME

I have so much more to Blog about
I will have to continue the best part of the trip
Later tonight.


Later

Storm The Bastille

Always Crowded...
But Great Food
Wandering the streets
Wonderful Jewelry
Jazz in the Park
Great Jazz
Diverse Crowd
Thousands of runners....
Me in just cute new little sandals

And all I did was think of HIM

HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM

Viva La France'

P70500432
Originally uploaded by fast_eddie.

Tonight is the beginning of Bastille DAYS
Four Fun-Filled days of French Frolic

Tonight is the 5K run.
Guess I will spend at least 26 minutes by myself
People Watching

Falling For The First Time-Barenaked ladies

ATC 26
Originally uploaded by ART NAHPRO.

I do Believe I have Found Him...
Or He has Found Me...
Someone that Fullfills Me...
I will not tell you where...
I Shall not say How

But I can Tell you This much

I wake up
Thinking about him
All day long
Dreaming about him
I fall asleep
Wondering about him
Only
It's the wrong him

When He whispers my name…I smile…it's like the secret password to my heart
and I wonder...
"How does one person transcend everything about himself with so little effort?"

It Feels just like I'm falling for the FIrst Time...
and all I want to Do is Reach out...
and allow him to catch me
Into his Arms

"I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing
I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers out of anything
I'm so thrilled to finally be failing
I'm so done, turn me over cause it
Feels just like I'm falling for the first time"
-BNL

Closing Time-Semisonic

fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the American way
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

Ok...
Went to the Mall
could not stand the Soundtrack
It was ten times worse than the Grocery Store Music
I mean it was good Music and all
But it hurt

Lyrics seem to hit me soooo very hard
and Today...they were making me cry...and that was NOT my Purpose of the Day
So I strolled as much as I possibly could
Gazed at others
Hit the Bookstore
gazed at Others
Got back into the car
Went to Walgreens
gazed again at some Guy buying a Hallmark card

SHIT...
That was IT
ENOUGH!!!!!!

Went to a Bar
NOW...the dilemna here is Which Bar?
It is 1 o''clock in the afternoon
Where do you go?
Alone
To smoke and get a few beers?

I ended up at a Very Good Choice...
a place with Food
But a Bar as well
And this funny wierd Trvia Game that singles just sit and play to pass the time without looking bored and ALONE.

I opted out of the Trivia game...took a napkin and a pen and started to write down some thoughts... with beer, and cigarette in tow.

The guy to my left...one stool in between us was a charm...I picked my seat very carefully.
A Ceramic Tile salesman
32 years of age

Evidently he needed a bit of assistance on the Trivia Game!!!
We laughed
We WOn
We Left...after a few beers...a few cigs...and a few extra enamored glances.

Shared first names (only)
He told me he was a regular there
The bartender admitted to the fact
He works out of his home most of the time
We left at the very same time
into the parking lot together
He saw me in my car
We turned in two different directions

Coulda' stayed till Closing TIme

DAMN

I HATE mySELF

Diggin into a movie on the couch
"The Notebook"
and some Edy's Drumstick Ice cream

When Heroes Go Down-Suzanne Vega

Originally uploaded by brian boulos.

When feeling sorta left out in the Cold
and Alienated from others
Today...

I guess I must turn
To the Radio

It is always there when I turn it on...
Very predictable...

But it still makes me CRY

SHIT

"When heroes go down
They go down fast
So don't expect any time to
Equivocate the past

When heroes go down
They land in flame
So don't expect any slow and careful
Settling of blame

I heard you say
You look out for the feet of clay
That someone will be falling next
Without the chance
For last respects
You feel the disappointment

When heroes go down
Man or woman revealed
You can't expect any kind of mercy
On the battlefield"
-Suzanne Vega

Middle of Nowhere-Hot Hot Heat

It's awfully HOT
And I am soooo in the Middle of NOWHERE Here!!!

No JOB
No LOVE
The alarming and ironic truth of the situation is
I occasionally feel greater lonliness in the presense of him, than in his absense

So ALL ALone here today...
No 14 or 17 or H around

I forced my "Middle Aged/Middle of Nowhere" self to watch TV
Take in a nap
and Venture to the library

Where there in the Middle of Nowhere....
I saw someone that I have not seen in a very LONG time

Sometimes this world takes you for a SPIN...
Doesn't SHE?

And after rehashing Old times in the MIDDLE of Old books
I return Home to my OLD Life
Only to feel a Little Bit empty
Left with the Strong Urge to SHOP and meet that Old Friend for a Drink
( TO Make up for my Breakdown)


"They chewed me up and then they spit me out
And I'm not supposed to let it bother me
But maybe I'm a little bit weak - I let my frailty take the wheel
She said, "Maybe there's a bit of me waiting for a bit of you baby."

But you're waiting at the door where everybody's hanging out just like they hung out before
You didn't have to do it but you did it to say
That you didn't have to do it but you would anyway

To give you something to go on when I go off back to the middle of nowhere"
-Hot Hot Heat

A Bigger Mood-American Hi-Fi

this much
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

I know he is out there somewhere

I Just Know IT
I Can ALmost hear his voice

Self in the Winds

self in the winds
Originally uploaded by SU*flick.

Hey...
I Tried
Really Hard
To make him LOVE ME
Made Cocktails
On a Blanket
In the Shade
Of the Backyard

Hugged him
Caressed HIM
Trickled my Finger from his THOAT
DOWN to his Belly....

But he does not respond...

Tears roll from my eyes
UNWILLINGLY

I Ask him to HOLD ME
HE does

BUT I KNOW...
It is not of his own
Free wiLL

And the DOG Lays at our feet
In the SHADE
Of the TREE

We RESORT
to our Neighborhood
FRIENDS
for
COMPANY

My SELF
BLOWS Quietly
IN THE WIND

And I YEARN
to be
FLOWN
to a BEACH

wtih
ANOTHER

Analyze This One Please

Yam Walking
Originally uploaded by mmoster.

Here it Goes-
I wake up from a dream at exactly 2:22 a.m.
(The very Same room number I had last year at the High School), and I am totally
CREEPED OUT- in a chilled sweat
This Dream that takes me to this place begins where.....

I am sleeping in my childhood room
Little French WIndow panes-very definate and descript surroundings
H is lying next to me-we are distant in the bed, but he is there, I can hear him breath.
I awake from my sleep for some reason of panic and get up to look for 17. I walk through this house-exacatly the same since I myself was 17. As I venture out into the backyard I can not shake the fact that it is very dark. My eyes are fuzzy and at first I can not see at all.

I yell 17's name (I do believe I actually yell it aloud in my sleep as well). The yard becomes clearer...but still dark. I see teenagers dotted all over it... grouped up- at least 20 of them. I continue to call out 17's name- but no one answers so I descend the stairs and start questioning the others...
"Who are you? What is your name? Where is 17?"

I recognize some but not many more and they provide me with limited information, all smiling and acting discrete...it is soooo very dark.
One boy wears a baseball cap turned backwards- longer hair. For some strange reason...he is striking and smiles. My childhood yard is as tiny as ever- yet there are 20 or 30 teens here.

I spy 17 and walk towards him but it is not him- I yell out for him to show his face or I will have to wake his FATHER.
Frantically I rap on the outside of the french Window for H to awake, to come help me.
I rap and rap, calling him until the window breaks into slivers. Out of sheer madness I scream for the teens to disperse. They run in all directions. I storm into the house, knuckles bloody from the broken glass of the window, crying for H and 17 in the exact same breath. I spy 17 in his room ( my parents old room)- laughing- cryptically- poking his head through a crack in the open doorway...laughing at me

H continues to sleep soundly

....................

My eyes open- turn my head towards the bedroom door
I sit up in my own bed- I am awake from my dream- H still sleeps. The bedroom door opens a slight crack. There stands 17 looking in- the door opens and shuts- several times. I try to focus my eyes- but am frightened. I lay still and motionless.
It is not him....never was...Just a blur- an extension of the dream in my own space and time- but I get up and come downstairs to write this all down- so I do not forget it. It is 2:48 a.m.- must get back to sleep if I can.

I do know what this dream means-
He will never awaken-
It will always be me chasing things.

Before i go upstairs I look out into my own backyard...
Wondering...
Could I run and scatter like the teens of my dream
As if I were a teen myself...running away from it all

Back upstairs in my own room
I try to think hard...to recall
If that French Window pane from my dream
was the ONE that I cracked in an angry Rage
with my own Hand
Back
When I was 17

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."-CS LEWIS

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

H & I...
We can sit for Hours
Listening & Loving
The Exact same Music
Naming the bands
Rembering the Shows
Knowing the Lyrics
Together.....

.....But that is ALL

Romanza-Andrea Bocelli

I FOUND IT!!!!

My Lost Andrea Bocelli CD...
Sitting downstairs in my studio
From when I last attempted a Painting...
(My unfinished painting sits there as well)

So I blasted it this morning
On the Patio
With Coffee and Cream

Ironically...I then threw on some "Harley" wear
and ventured with H to a nearby dealership
That was Celebrating their 30th Anniversary

Hmmmm....
Italian Opera and Motorcycles...
All in the very same day.

Gotta Love a Girl who can wear several
Different Smiles!!!!

Mental Note: Learn Italian so I can actually understand a Word
this guy is singing to me!!!

"Gi? la sento morire,
Per? ? calma sembra voglia dormire;
Poi con gli occhi
Lei mi viene a cercare,
Poi si toglie
Anche l’ultimo velo,
Anche l’ultimo cielo,
Anche l’ultimo bacio.
Ah, forse colpa mia,
Ah, forse colpa tua,
E cos? son rimasto a pensare.
Ma la vita,
Ma la vita cos’?
Tutto o niente,
Forse neanche un perch?"
-Bocelli

Breaking Apart-Chris Isaak

picture day
Originally uploaded by harkni.

So after spending an entire evening
With the "Guys of Soccer"
And ALL of their wonderful accents
From England
To Ireland
Martinique
Spain
Brazil
Jamaica

I do Believe
that MEN CAN BE WONDERFUL

So Why do they get MARRIED?
They Look SO GOOD
In the "TUX of the DAY"
And then they get married and MOST of them turn into assholes
Just look at the cloud filled sky in this pic
It is coming
Getting ready to turn married men into assholes!!

My "wonderful" H
Almost Passed Out
During our supposed "Magical Moment"
Looking quite ILL in his "TUX of the DAY"
He barely was able to say "I DO"

And at times like this
I WISH HE WOULD HAVE

Never being able to say "I DO"

Making me WISH
I was SINGLE again

Sometimes I hug him
But he doesn’t hug me back
His body just goes all stiff
Almost like he’s scared of being touched


...And this Breaking Apart Feeling

Starts up all over Again.

"I'll be okay without you .
I'll be fine.
. . . . .
I'll find some one new without you.
Somebody just like you but not you.
. . . . .
Say I'll be alright.
But
. . . . .
I'm breaking apart inside.
I cry in my sleep at night.-Chris Isaak

Heart OF Glass-Blondie

Originally uploaded by sila.

Well the COncert was made to Order
JAM PACKED with people of all ages
Very Enjoyable!

Actually
The Day was very enjoyable
Several Stages were adorned with great talent

Loved to watch the Crowd...People dancing and having Fun.
People are Interesting!

Revisited my favorite jewelry stands and purchased a matching glass necklace for my previously purchased anklet...
This Cute couple from Calgary were absolutly adorable to chat with...remarkable accents...sorta Irish-ish.

I am in search of some Much needed Rest and Relaxation today...gonna soak in the SUN.

I don't really quite know how to write this in an eloquent manner....it is difficult to type...maybe because once I type it...it will be Said...
...I think that H enjoys my company when we are out and about and away from the challenges of raising the teens...but I really do not think he Loves me...I can feel it...it feels Exactly the same way I feel...and I Don't know what we are Doing this For.
What are we Doing to Eachother?

Velouria-Pixies

Can't WAIT....!!!!!!!

PIXIES - Velouria Lyrics

Hold my head
We'll trampoline
Finally through the roof
On to somewhere near
And far in time
Velouria
Her covering
Travelling career
She can really move
Oh velveteen!

My velouria, my velouria
Even i'll adore you
My velouria

Say to me
Where have you been
Finally through the roof
And how does lemur skin
Reflect the sea?

We will wade in the shine of the ever
We will wade in the shine of the ever
We will wade in the tides of the summer
Every summer
Every summer
Every
My velouria
My velouria

Forevergreen
I know she's here
In California
I can see the tears
Of shastasheen

My velouria, my velouria
Even i'll adore your
My velouria

Perfect Situation-Weezer

One last night of Summerfest for ME
The day is predicted to be beautiful...

It is
The Perfect Situation...

A day of strolling
Shopping
Listening to Music

Weezer
The Pixies...

What could be better?

(I shall not say it Aloud!!!!)

Birthday-Beatles

Well...Today was "T's" Birthday

Spent some time with her and friends...
Really wanted to take her out for dinner and some Night Time Fun
Dancing on tables etc...
But she is getting OLD
So we stuck around the houses

Mental Note: Hey...when MY Birthday comes around...
I am going OUT with the GIRLS

"Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party.

I would like you to dance--Birthday
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance-Birthday
I would like you to dance--Birthday
Dance"
-Beatles

Serenade Side Track

serenade
Originally uploaded by killbyte.

Sure...
Trying to stay clean here

But my thoughts get in the way!!!!

Summer House-Better Than Ezra

Well....when your feet start sticking to the kitchen floor
And your dining room table still holds backpacks from last school year

All you can do is
...Turn Up the Tunes and
Clean

VISUAL

Originally uploaded by brian boulos.

OK...I got a pic here...never too late for a
VISUAL!!!

My Best Friend-Weezer

Ok...I am verclempt...Spelling?

I am still unable to post pics here today...and it leaves me a bit empty inside.
I am a visual learner...a visual whore...I need to see!

But I guess I will try to go on just my feelings here.
I have been experiencing a multitude of feelings.

Today, however...I must Blog...about someone who I can see
I saw him this morning...lying in his bed.
Entered his bedroom...to wake him from a blaring alarm.
He is startled...looks up in a haze, and smiles...he always smiles.

I LOVE him.
LOVE is found in unexpected places at times...but this place is one that I treasure.
I find LOVE in 14.
He grows up in front of my eyes.
Causes me to smile...And even when I am down and out...I smile.

His attributes...well...There are so many

His smile
His laughter
His choice of friends and their laughter around me
His sparkling eyes
His respect for my feelings
His LOVE

He is strong...very strong
He is gentle as well
He is tidy...except his room
He is funny
He likes to dance, and will dance with me in a crowd
He is bigger than I...towers over me...fills up my shadow

I wake him for weight club
He rides off on his bike
I watch as he scurries away.

He was a VERY difficult baby
I cried as much as he did...
He cried all of the time
He drove me crazy...
But now...if he finds me crying
over a Movie, or a Mood, or any Manic reason at all
He hugs me...asks what is wrong...holds me
As I held him so many years ago.

He is MY BEST FRIEND
He won't be around Forever

How do I HOLD ON?

No IMAGE

For some unknown reason I am unable to post a pic here today...but if I could it would be one GIANT Aspirin...

Took a shower...hot and steamy.
And found myself back up in bed.
Made a few phone calls.
Still lay in BED

I mUst get up and run some errands...
The Mall
Blockbuster
...and the Card Shop to get T a birthday card

I just can't get myself out of BED

After speaking to a few friends from last night
I guess I may have been just a tiny bit tipped from the wine

I WILL NOT drink tonight...
Gonna see Styx at Summerfest
But I do believe that I will sneak over to a different stage
To catch the Gin Blossoms instead.

Gonna go to the doctor tomorrow.
I think he's gonna cut off my ear!!!

So...Arrest ME

So...this is what I resort to...

A little Hometown Parade
3 Bloody Mary's


Damn...
Look What You've Done!!!

What Will happen when I see my Firefighters TONIGHT???

Say It Isn't So-Hall and Oates

IMG_5618
Originally uploaded by mediaeater.

First off...I did not get to sleep until 2 this morning
Secondly...I was up for good at 5

Strike THREE...
It rains
It Thunders
Yes, there is even lightening

There goes my favoirte Holiday....

And if there could be anything worse.....

My fricking EAR feels as if it is going to BLAST off of my head...MUST SEE DOCTOR ON TUESDAY

Ummm...besides all of that WOnderful INformation...

...I guess everything is fine
Mental Note: Be sure to stay far away from H and 17 today...do not need anymore disaters!

This Is Such A Pity-Weezer

Such a PITY...
Guns...
Violence....
Fear....
Hatred....

My Immediate PITY
is Selfish at that
Nothing Earth shattering or unpleasant to mankind

My PITY IS
I can not drag myself up into bed
With him there

I Just Can't


As I sat out in the yard this evening
Listening to fireworks being thrown off in the distant yards
Smoking...
Drinking the last of the Gin and Grapefruit

He told me

That Everything
Is ALL my Fault

And I Pray
For a Contract
(haven't been to church in years)
That allows me to
Find a meager apartment
(I really do not require much at all)
A kitten
And a LIFe
That does not make me Sulk

In this PITY

Oh Yeah...I broke another ring in the bath tonight...3 of 8
Damn...

But I will see this band on Thursday at Summerfest
Along with the Pixies
And I will ignore him
Looking for my bassist/bartender pouring BEER
Just what I need!!!!!

"How is your heart little darling?
I didn't mean to get so mad.
Let me just hold you closely.
How did things get so bad?
I know how to pick on you.
You pushed me over the edge.
We caused so much agony.
We can't seem to move ahead.

This is such a pity.
We should give all our love to each other.
Not this hate that destroys us.
This is such a pity.
(This is a pity)

What kind of future will we have?
Will we we ever find peace?
Everybody thinks we're crazy.
They're about to call the police.
I don't wanna be a chump.
You think I'm a fascist pig.
Right now everything is black.
I don't think we'll ever get it."
-Weezer