Take Me Out-Franz Ferdinand

Originally uploaded by rougerouge.

18 baffles me
He annoys me to NO END

As "Post Its" Lie sprawling
All over the Kitchen floor
It looks as if I had many ideas

But 18 just had a preschool Attack
and I am not Cleaning Up
His MESS
this Time

No Ideas
On how to Control
His.....
I Don't even know what to call them

Outbursts
Do Not even Touch
the Mood

Iris-Goo Goo Dolls

ash
Originally uploaded by lawa.

I have actaully turned into my Mother
...Sad to Admit

She would sit in the kitchen for hours on end, smoking, drinking and staring into space. She had the radio on in the background...Tom Jones, Elvis, Neil Diamond. She would cry...no weep, and smoke, and drink. She would get up once in a while to use the bathroom.

I never really understood it.
I had little knowledge of why she was crying.
I had no idea what she was staring at...
... into space
I am now my mother.

I came down from my room tonight to dicuss the fact that an agreement had been made, just hours before it was broken. 17 was not to use the car this weekend, due to his disrespectful behavior towards me regarding nondisclosing facts about his where abouts prior. It is not as if he was somewhere he should not have been. It was just that he did not tell the truth, and when asked to discuss it in an adult manner, he blew me off with more than the flick of a wrist. 2 hours later I overheard H give him permission to drive. I felt deceived. I was deceived. So I came down to challenge the permission given, getting an earful from both parties. All in all, he did not get the car, but I was on both of their hate lists. Lovely.

So i sat in the ktichen. Radio on, pac of smokes burning a hole through my lungs, bottle of wine slowly depleating, looking too much like my mother. Every once in a while someone would walk through the room. I watched the snow fall out the window.

I often wondered what she could be thinking about...all that time, so many hours just sitting and smoking. I was thinking about where I could transform myself...where a magical time capsule could take me.

I contemplated a question posed just recently in my direction. What events of my life would I relive if I could? What would I go back and repeat if so possible?
...certainly not the times in my mother's kitchen...

It took a lot of thinking. I have so many unfullfilling memories that it is difficult to conjure up a moment that is worth reliving. All of those memories, childhood, teenage, 20'something memories have good pieces that end with a sigh. I'd start thinking and smiling, only to come up with a challenging moment at the end of each one. Why was I torturing myself so?

Childhood comes with memories of lonliness and arguments between my parents.
Teenage dreams turned into heartache of sorts.
20' something found me married and taking on repsonsibilities that I was unsure of.

I could go back to a party at the lakefront...a day turned into night that brought a smile until I am disappointed in myself for one reason or another.

I could go back to graduation and friends...a day turned into night that brought relief until I am reminded that my parents did not show up.

I could go back to many moods of happy places and events....i could.

But I still find myself in my kitchen, with the radio, a bottle of wine, a pac of cigs and myself.
I haven't been in t his horrid space for a while...or so it seems.
Last year was much more difficult with 17 than this...it is only that I say NO a lot less often....it keeps the house happier...him happier...but sometimes the rules must be enforced...by someone...by ME.

I'm still thinking of a place to go, somewhere in the past that was a good place. A vacation might be one...the Hawaii trip senior year...no parents, just friends...but then again, there was that incident of one evening there that almost had me killed, in a hotel room of a new aquaintence with anger issues.

I've never been alone, on my own.
I've never been me.
I've never been allowed to make decisions that did not involve another.
I've always done the right thing.
Follwed the rules...bending them a bit.
Is that why everything seems so dissapponting?
No sense of self?
No sense of Time?
On my own?

Mental Note:
See...numerous days at home without going into work are worse than going to work.

H snowblows the inches of snow outside as I type.
17 plays games on his newly aquired computer components that he was recently gifted. 15 is out, growing an ever expanding life as a freshman, needing me less and less, abandoning me here.

They are all planning to go out in the morning...head out for a good part of the day. They will leave me here to use more than the kitchen...but I still picture myself at the island, with my smokes, and the radio...maybe a few movies on HBO.


"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am "
-Goo Goo Dolls

The Sweater Song-Weezer

At Tempted
Originally uploaded by simonk.

So in retaliation...of events that even occured before my slow spiral downward tonight...
I WAS OUT
shopping for OTHERS
all alone on my own
and in retaliation...
(as mentioned before)
I picked out this (Not This exact one-but much like it) sweater on a sale rack for
MYSELF
(I had a cartful of gifts for others...i DID)
(I swear)
...and I am feeling a bit guilty about the selfish purchase for myself
but feeling that I also deserve a $19.99 item of my OWN (H and 17 spent almost $500 on computer crap ya know)
but...get this...
When I get to the counter to check out
The clerk tells me it has a snag...a big snag
"I really don't mind"...I tell her (and myself) "I can fix it"
But she goes ON and ON about how it is SO VERY BADLY DAMAGED AND not able to be fixed
THAT I shrivel up and decline the purchase
I buy only my gifts for
OTHERS
...and I FEEL totally SLighted
over a Silly
Snagged
Sweater

..sigh

"If you want to destroy my sweater...Woah-ah-woah-ah-woah.
Hold this thread as I walk away... As I walk away.
Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked.

Lying on the floor, lying on the floor
I've come undone.
-Weezer

The Ghost In You-Psychedelic Furs

Originally uploaded by anideg.

Not knowing which way to Turn
She looks towards the light
A Candle
A Cocktail
A movie or Two

If only She knew
If Only she Knew


I am so confused and bewildered by the events my family takes to trample me. They spin around inside my head, flashing visions of them traveling up and down the stairs, only to turn their head and bark out upsetting comments in my direction. If I had somewhere to run I would run there...but it snows, and i am such a crappy driver in the snow.

"...i'm in a mood for you
for running away
stars come down in you
and love...you can't give it away"
-Psychedelic Furs

Ask Me How I Am-Snow Patrol

ruby manicure
Originally uploaded by ėži.

If I Were

If I were a color
I’d be the soft pink of a black cat’s tongue
The sweet sticky pink of fresh bubble gum
Glistening pink found inside a seashell
Pink sultry sunsets of an afternoon swell
Warm pink bath bubble, sparkling waterfall mist
The pink of a rose as it grazes my wrist

If I were a sound
I’d be the screaming silence of a brand new dawn
The gentle silence of the bed I lay on
Waves of silence on a turquoise beach
Silent snowflakes just out of my reach
Cool evening quiet, fireplace content
The silence of days that I have not yet spent

If I were a taste
I’d be the sour raspberry of a freshly baked tart
The sweet subtle raspberry in the still life of art
Swirling raspberry on top of whipped cream
Screaming raspberry fresh out of a dream
Frozen raspberry, a cool Daquiri
The raspberry feeling that’s inside of me

If I were a smell
I’d be the freshest new scent of the stormy old sea
The balmy sensation that rains over me
Oceans of raindrops in puddles of blue
Sweet flowing rivers, reflections of you
Warm running water in baths of pure bliss
The scent of the seaside that I often miss

If I were a touch
I’d be the largest of hugs that feels overdone
The queasy sensation that’s sent from someone
Fleeting romantics that don’t seem to end
Hugs curling round me sent from a new friend
Simmering feelings and hot to the touch
The hug from another not asking for much

If I only were
If I ever were not
If some of this sadness
Could just be forgot
-ME

...y el mar
Originally uploaded by Angel o Diablo?.

so happy,
so bummed
a feeling that should have a name
it doesn't

Hanging By a Moment-Lifehouse

?
Originally uploaded by atomicity.

I sense you here
reading
wondering
from near
do You know Me?
or Just want To
??????
SHould I stop typing
for Fear
of Disclosing
Too much
????????

Stepping Out-Joe Jackson

approaching the toll booth
Originally uploaded by Ben McLeod.

Had to get out this weekend
Just HAD to
Get over myself...I guess

Friday night I didn't actually STEP Out
Had friends over at the house
Drank Wine
Lots of Wine
Made a mess with Chex Mix
Played Games
Laughed
About NOTHING

Stepped Out out with friends on Saturday Night
Drank Beer
Lots of Beer
Made a mess with Popcorn
Played Games
Laughed
About A lot

And everything tends to blend
Like the freeway Lights
And then
Reality hits
Again
Step Back IN
To Self
...on a quiet Sunday

"Now -
The mist across the window hides the lines
But nothing hides the colour of the lights that shine
Electricity so fine
Look and dry your eyes

We -
So tired of all the darkness in our lives
With no more angry words to say
Can come alive
Get into a car and drive
To the other side


We -
Are young but getting old before our time
We’ll leave the t.v. and the radio behind
Don’t you wonder what we’ll find
Steppin out tonight

You -
Can dress in pink and blue just like a child
And in a yellow taxi turn to me and smile
We’ll be there in just a while
If you follow me"
-Joe Jackson

Hate This Place-Goo Goo Dolls

bianca
Originally uploaded by why not.

Part ONE:
I Hate this Place Inside my Head
THoughts mill Around

ANd I have NO IDEA why
It catches me
IN SPACES
that
Close IN

Still...
on the Outside
No ONe Knows

Such a Charade

PART TWO:
Grocery Shopping today so my day is free tomorrow
The Holiday Rush is ON
The stores are full
The flower shop SMELLS absolutly Beautiful

...I continue to challenge myself during these seasons...

PART THREE:
I cleaned up my summer stuff from the yard
Put away pots and wind chimes
Summer sceneries...
The light snow is melted and gone for now,
But I continue to stay on SNOW PATROL!!!

PART FOUR:
SOmetimes I hide away
SLip away from things in my life that have become common to me
It gives my head a rest
Just in case you've been wondering.....
The incident on the Tracks;
was just a test in escaping my fears...
It didn't WOrk...in case you're Wondering

"Gone away
Who knows where you been..."
-Goo Goo Dolls

Hold Me Down-Gin Blossoms

Railroad tracks
Originally uploaded by starblogaaron.

I stopped on them today
Completely
STOPPED

Practically
PARKED

.......and Waited

"So I guess I must have just been dreaming
When I thought I heard myself say no
Anyway it looks like no one heard me so here I go
Cause when you’re in the company of strangers
Or just the strangers you call friends
You know before you start just how it’s going to end
When the doors swing open and all the drinks are passed around
Anytime the pickins look too easy...hold me down
I can’t remember why I like this feeling
When it only seems to let me down
Soon I find I’m searching for the exit from the ground
If I think the room is turning faster
Then I think the music is too loud
By then I’ve lived another broken story to let me down"
-Gin Blossoms

Over My Head-Fray

prendre son essor
Originally uploaded by anideg.

EvERYONE
HEre
Is
in a crabby MOOD
towards me

and at WORK
I am in A MOOD
as well...
He stares at a 20 year old Student Teacher
TODAY

...and others who care
Are TOO Far aWay
I need to STEP BACK
OVER MY HEAD

"I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage..."

Black Math-White Stripes

book
Originally uploaded by h.

If I were being Realistic here....
I would Realize that I am not thinking
even slightly
Straight...

But if you knew me at ALL
You'd tell me to try the Problems anyway
to Give it a Go

So we correct papers together
Exchanging weekend stories
The kids file in....
and all of my Questions
Disappear
to Watch him
to Hear him
It's a shame he's teaching Math
Cuz I could learn so much more
about him
after school.

When my hour is done
and I get up to walk out of the room
I break the urge to turn around
and gaze in His direction
...He returns the gaze
and smiles

I get out into the hall...
and Black Out
on Mr. Math

"Listen master, can you answer a question?
Is it the fingers, or the brain
that you're teaching A lesson?
I can't tell you how proud I am
I'm writing down things that I don't understand
Well, maybe I'll put my love on ice
And teach myself, maybe that'll be nice"
-White Stripes

The Best Of You-Foo Fighters

"The world's in slumber; let's misbehave."
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

Ok
GO Figure
After shopping with "The Girls"
On a weekend in NOvemeber that has ALWAYS been reserved
for all 4 Families to be at the "VACATION HOUSE"
( a 6000 square foot home on Lake Michigan that truly made you close your eyes and DREAM away!)
in Door County
Bonfiring
Drinking
Ping Ponging
Drinking
Movie Watching
Smoking out on the Deck
Climbing to the Third Floor'Bird's Nest" to Star Gaze
Darting
Hiking
Shopping
Drinking
Watching College Football
Bar hopping
Shop Hopping
Antique Swapping
Wine Tasting
Laughing
Singing
Dancing
Sleeping in Beds that are WAY too comfortable
soaking in whirlpools
Staying up ALL night
......
WOW
Why did we STOP THIS RITUAL?
I GUESS it is the fact that half of us are traveling around spending all of our money
letting the 17's look at possible college choices
so....
we skip the VACATION HOUSE
for this year
(sadly so)
and the "girls" go shopping instead
and the "guys" hang out at I's for our return
and then.... WE ALL watch the PAckers WIN!!!
......
Eating Chili dogs
Drinking wine
and me in a MOOD
dressed in ripped Jeans
and a grungy Packers T
(not really at my very BEST)
H surprises ME

"Come on over here and sit down"
I believe he bonks my head at least 6 times
in between putting his arm around me on the couch
and grabbing his wine
and the food
......
and we all laugh
and we all Cheer for the Touchdowns

....and I HAVE NO IDEA
Why
he touched me
after too long to remember when it was Last
the last physical contact I have received here or in the radius of One Mile from my home has been from
the Kitty who leans against me while she cleans
and from 15.....who is gonna make some girl VERY HAPPY...VERY HAPPY!!!! (some day)

NO ONE'S Getting the BEst of me

"Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess


Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh... "
-FOO FIGHTERS

Vindicated-Dashboard Confessional

Hope
Originally uploaded by carcioffi.

I'd like to say that i went out last night but I didn't.
I wanted to, but it just didn't work out.
So I stayed in, with wind and rain pounding around outside my window.
Everything looks Cold
Everything looks Bleak
Today is the same.....

And I begin to wonder...if I sat here long enough...
in this very same spot
Would anyone ask me what I'm thinking?
Would anyone ask me how my night out was?
Would he even care?

"Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye...
...Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away"
-Dashboard Confessional

One Way Love -Bryan Ferry

After midnight
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

So at a Stupid
"Pure Romance " Party
I sit on a couch
In a room
filled with sex toys and women who
Contemplate what to purchase and bring home...
to someone who cares

Hmmmmm......
Purchases of Mine
What a JOKE....
I Refuse to even lay my hands on the multiple
Wiggling Vibrators as they are passed around the room...
I do believe that a Whip with soft pink feathers on One end and strange Kinky elastic strands on the Other would be enjoyed by Garbo my kitty!

I end up with three Items...
Just for ME/One Way Love
Body Dew...a Moisturizing Bath Oil
Whipped...an edible Massage Cream in Orange Dreamsicle...only because it smells so Good and I do enjoy a good Lotion
...and Bosom Buddy...Described as a Tingly Lip/Nipple Balm....
and before we drive to some club deemed as our final destination of the evening and after several bottles of wine...I venture to put some on my lips only...
(I have no idea why i would want to use it anywhere else!)

It smells great, and tingles my lips...only until a Miller Lite washes it off. The strange guy I end up talking to...covered in tatoos...has no clue where I have just been. His name is Alan...and my girlfriends wonder why I even give him the time of day. I question that as well...he is sooo not my type...but he intrigues me..but little do they know that I seem not to have a specific TYPE anyway...it's not like I am planning to go home with him...if he even has a Home.

The clock ticks away
We talk music
He is surprised that I know the bands that he mentions...can even name a few songs.
He asks if I am married
But Before I can answer
I am whisked away
Like always (L does this to me All the time; refer to Blog from middle of July and the bar fun in Door County)
Taken away before my time

Cinderella....
Home from the Ball
Before Midnight

One Way Love
Inside my Head
Spinning
Like the Second Hand
On a Broken Clock

Telling me to Run Away
Before
Love (or something like it)
Turns down a Two Way Street

Fall

Fall
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

Yes...
So It's always the same old story...

I fall
for a guy in a bar
and he Smiles
and he Flirts
We have soooo much FUN
Falling Away
...
And I come home to H
and he has
NO INTERST
in ME
WHATSOEVER

and I FALL Backwards

Realizing
that I should Have
Stayed
AT THAT BAR


DAMN

Dirty Little Secret-All American Rejects

Silly Questions
Originally uploaded by honeyfumblings.

I threw four cornish hens in the oven and approached my days worth of shopping...
...a few new area rugs; living room and den
...a portrait light for my newest painting
...a bathroom mirror with 5X magnifying power
...new Luau Sheets for 15
...a snowflake sweater for Garbo
...(she will never wear it)
...a wine bottle opener to replace the one I borke
...new telephones for the house
...Burton Snowboard pants for Xmas for 17
...(Way too expensive if you ask ME)

DONE

I unrolled the rugs
Hung the new mirror
Lit some candles and basked all alone in an amber glow of a house that earns it's 145 years of age-it can sometimes LOOK as good as my lovely friend's newest abodes...although I am often envious when spending time there....with recessed lighting, marbeled floors and generous sized Great Rooms. Certain times I feel my Old Place just seems
"TO FIT"
me

They all come back home after dark...and it smells like Thanksgiving.

I contemplated all day long...in my comfort Zone of lonliness...What have I not said...What secrets have I not revealed...

I was recently asked to devulge something new....someting different....a new insight

I guess this is IT...
and it makes me WONDER

IS THIS ALL?
IS THIS IT?
IS THIS ALL THAT I AM?

I Guess I have answered
Too many questions

I WISH
I had more Answers
To SILLY Questions

No MORE Secrets
What is LEft????

OK...I guess this is IT...my mind wanders...
and thinks of a movie scene inside my own head
DARKNESS fades to a room
Where she sits in Candle light
and a narrator reads on........

Even with the things he did not know about her, that she felt he should have, there was still so much about her that he knew that no one else ever did. He knew just as well what to do with the information he learned, whether it was a secret or common knowledge. Others might have known that she loved clementines but no one else would have blindfolded her and fed them to her out of season, wedge by wedge, between verses he read out loud from her favorite books or songs that he played from her favorite CD's... until she was intoxicated with pure pleasure.

He Knows
He knows all About HER
and All She knows
Is that
He pays Attention to It ALL
NO SECRETS
NOTHING SILLY
NO REJECTION
Just Acceptance...If That is Okay WITH YOU...-he says-

Empty-Cranberries

NO tears left...
Have watched enough movies today
to cry...well...let's just say
it's raining on my face as hard as it has been outside
And there is thunder and lightning
I kept the lights off inside
so I could keep an eye on the flickering Storm

My choices of film ended with a really corny
13 going on 30
but with Mark Ruffalo cast in a major role
I swallowed the theme just to watch him
And the tears come from the realization that there are people out there who are truly
IN LOVE
swinging on swings
Twirling
Spinning
Smiling
Just to be Near eachother

I know for a FACT
that this does not just happen in MOVIES
because just the other day
I saw two people holding hands in the park
and he just turned around
and picked her up
and spun her around...
and I Gasped

It left me hollow

My job tonight
Pick up 15 from a party
Drive all of his sweaty little friends home
Stay up for 17...

Oh Yeah...
Stop freaking out on Movies
that make me feel empty.........

Adam's Song-Blink 182

edge
Originally uploaded by Shooting Chris.

Got out
Nothing Special
Saw a few Old buddies
Ended up feeling Stupid and thinking of the Kids
My own and the ones that Caused my pain Today
At the edge of the PIER...wanting to JUMP...but the water
Is WAY too COLD
THe WORLD is way too COLD
Stopped and picked up the new Blink 182 CD
Blasted it ALL the way HOME
.....
Love this song
Have Felt the same feeling more than Once
Even after I was 16 myself
Have FELT it more than ONCE...even nOW
Have seen this band more than ONce
Would Like to stick around to see them AGAIN

Adam's Song

"I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
you'll be sorry when I'm gone


I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone"

halloween
Originally uploaded by lisajoy78704.

Want to SPIN
Twirling in Pink
Gonna Try

Girl in the Corner

Girl in the Corner
Originally uploaded by Michelle Gibson.

Feeling Like This
And I Don't Wanna

Lose You-Pete Yorn

Originally uploaded by anideg.

Sitting here
Contemplating...
My VERY Crappy day

I don't know what is going on with them
It may be the stress of testing these last few days
But...these students have gone wild...
And I'm Gonna Lose Them
If I don't take some control....

Sitting here
Contemplating...
What I should do...

As it seems my friends that are near
are no where to be found tonight
and even though we all went over to support T i n her time of need
No one is around to support me
...did I lose them?

I'm gonna play some tag-team parenting
cuz when H finally walks through that door
after some time away...
I am gonna walk out

Need some time away from the house
Need some time away from myself
Need some time to be someone else...

Sitting Here
Contemplating
Where I should go...
I always seem to find somewhere...
to Lose Myself

"...I’m
Taking a ride
Off to one side
It is a personal thing
Where
When I can’t stand
Up in this cage I’m not regretting

I don’t need a better thing
I’d settle for less
It’s another thing for me
I just have to wander through this world
Alone..."

Shiver-Coldplay

Leafy
Originally uploaded by RubyRosa.

It snowed leaves Today
Big, Fat, Fluffy ones
Too big to land on my tounge

Too pretty to not mention

The Wind blew
Strong gusty breezes
Directing amber in All Directions

Once home...
I poured a Vodka
ALL alone in the house
a few cigarretes
and Time

Darkness invaded
Lamp lights glowed
Oddly enough
I'd like to feel calm

Thoughts fly around inside of me
Can't seem to catch them on my tounge
and I Shiver

Me, myself and I with the wind...

Me, myself and I with the wind...
Originally uploaded by elsakawai.

Just Like I feel
Just Like it seems
A Whirl
with the
Wind

Thanks
To the guy that sent me
Here