Snowbound-Genesis

b u b b l e s
Originally uploaded by _natural_.

This Weekend....
we will close T's pool
for the Upcoming WINTER

All 8 of us
Husbands and Wives...whether we like it or Not

We will cook something on the grill
Concoct strange Summer drinks....
turning late into Winter grogs

Stick all of our feet into the warmest top layer
Pass a beachball around in a circle
Share our favorite summer Memories

We used to do this with the kids
They will have NOTHING to do with this outdated ritual

I have many great SUMMER memoires
around that pool

I spent multiple hours floating by myself
to music in the background

The pictures taken of my summer feet
are a memory in themselves

Many lonely evenings late after midnight I would walk out under the moon, sit by the pool and smoke.
But....

My favorite memory...the one I will share...
slippery hands...dropping an entire bottle of Vodka into the water by accident...
L and T and myself...I was working that night

...running off to the liquor store in a dripping wet swimsuit and cover up...only because they were closing in 5 minutes and we needed more to last us into the evening.

It is crisp and clear here
The bonfire will Roar

...someone is Bound to get Pushed in.

Undertow-Genesis

MOMA_Kandinsky2
Originally uploaded by Bright_Star.

I painted over my "Kandinsky-like" painting tonight
Took it down, right off the wall
Delivered it to the studio in the basement
and Got Rid of it....
Along with Every memory of Why I painted it
In the first Place

I covered it in Burgundy
Drizzled it with Mocha

Stood back
Decided that I did not like it
Smeared it
Drizzled it Again
and SMILED

ALl while listening to this CD
THIS SOng

I'll venture down to the studio in the morning
to See what I really DID

UNDERneath
I still know that the Kandinsky is there

Like a hidden secret

Complete Control-The Clash

Originally uploaded by anideg.

On a day where the traffic seems to deny my swift arrival home...upon reaching my destination, I grab the last cold Grolsch Amber Ale out of the icebox and desperately seek refuge in the yard...under the gazebo, covered with the late afternoon shade of whispering willows and tall golden oaks. T's pool, which once was bathed in sunlight this past June and July, also finds relief with an early setting sun, waiting for the leaves to be cleaned from atop the solar cover so that the protective winter shield can be placed over it's top, for a long winter's rest.

I feel the need for a rest coming on as well. I shall consume this beer and a few cigs....looking forward to a nap with soft music in the background.

This day was filled with needy children. Some of which I question attributes of laziness or just plain confusion. I consult with a few in the hallway...explaining that I cuold either be very upset with their lack of motivation, or be a compassionate soul with the realization that they just need some extra help with understanding the material. "Please wear your deoderant on Wednesday." I announce. "Hand raising is required if one needs assistance...full arm...up in the air....no excuses!"

Still, after questioning my reasons for being in this concrete building, I am approached with some kind words. To my understanding, my name is being used, in circles of praise....and that is all I need to stop this insane questioning of purpose. Stop riding the fence and searching in directions of validation. All I needed to hear was some kind words from adults today!!!!!

Go Home-Barenaked Ladies

Open Book
Originally uploaded by honeyfumblings.

“This is it Joel. It’s gonna be gone soon. What do we do now?”
“Enjoy it”
-From Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-


This day was difficult, a new student was identified and thrown into a few of my classes. I felt sorta sorry for him and his dismay of the day, yet remembered that I had once seen him in the lunchroom and on the playground, teasing others with no regret. When my time was up, and the ending bell rang...I performed an act that I rarely engage in...I turned and left the building. I had had a day too busy for words. It was a good day, but not one that I wished to extend. With a flip of the switch and a lock of my door, I left the school..."Sorry guys, I’ve got to get my Aston Martin…it’s double parked!"

I am just gonna veg out tonight...watching some television that just may catch my interest. Could use a new movie to watch a few times over as well!

All Of This And Nothing-Psychedelic Furs

EVEn when most things in my life are all going well....
I sometimes THINK of YOU
...I try not to
...It drives me crazy
...It hurts

Closing my eyes I picture you on my doorstep
with Apologies and youthful regret

I hear songs that remind me of US
I see places that we Should have Been
...Having No Idea why my obnoxious mind plays these tricks on me
...Knowing you will never Return
...Still Thinking of YOU
For NO reason

On a day that Rains itself DRY



"A phonebook full of accidents
A girl to drive your car
A suit to wear on mondays
And a coat, a magazine
A heavy rain, a holiday
A painting of the wall
A knife, a fork, and memories
A light to see it all
You didn't leave me anything
That I can understand
Hey i never meant that stuff
I want to turn you round"
-Psychedelic Furs

Passionate Kisses-Mary Chapin Carpenter

Passion
Originally uploaded by vintage girl.

When thinking of PASSION....
One thought comes to my mind,
Yet after this particular week
more visions race through my dizzy head that tend to match that term...

Passion for work
Passion for the day
Passion for the moment in time....
Passion for a sport
Passion for individual and team competion
Passion for conversation
Passion for food and drink
Passion for what you have in front of you
Passion for what you could have that may never be seen


The party last night was an interesting one at that...
I sat out by the campfire
H stayed inside with the main group
I consumed my bottle of red
and some much needed conversation with strangers
Some of us giggled at a woman who worked the crowd...looking for some PASSION of her own...only to go home alone...even though she did make a great dessert to share

I have a heavy schedule tomorrow...
My dreaded grocery shopping,
My dreaded house cleaning
as well as some extra lesson planning for the next 6 chapters in the book my Comm Arts class is discussing...

I guess with the running of his personal best this morning...14 was too tired to go out this evening and we spent the night watching a movie he picked on iControl...
Constantine with Keenau Reeves...
It lost me in the first 45 minutes
I ate his popcorn and studied Keenau's smile

I have "17 patrol" tonight...he also has the car
His PASSION for going out on the weekend is never dampened by a fast paced CC run in the drizzle!

I believe I have named the Black Cat...
After over two months of being nameless, or just called Sassy Bitch....
H and I have picked "GARBO"
She is aloof and independant...
She just "Vants to be alone"
No PASSION in her heart, not yet

I need pancakes...I don't know why


"Is it too much to demand
I want a full house and a rock and roll band
Pens that won't run out of ink
And cool quiet and time to think
Shouldn't I have this
Shouldn't I have this
Shouldn't I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses"

Bag Lunch-Limp

FDR_Lunchroom1975
Originally uploaded by Whiskeygonebad.

Today he had his lunch,
but had it sitting all alone...and I felt ashamed...
Ashamed of his inconsiderate peers
and the unattentive teachers working the lunchroom.

Lucky for me...I had a big bag of cookies to share...
but...too bad...
there was no one but HIM to share them with.

So during MY unpaid time
WE,
sat all alone and ate cookies!

And One by One
more came
so many more....
that I ran out of cookies

And the awkward Hispanic boy from Californina
became known
....for being more than the pet of a friendly teacher with cookies!

Tonight...I am going to drink till my hearts content....and making my heart be content is a heavy duty job!


"He sits by himself bag lunch in hand
Wearing all the wrong clothes
Fashion like Dad
Watching everyone else
Thinking what's the difference
The difference is all

You're better than the rest
You just don't know it yet that's the problem with You
This is just a test
You'll pass it if you don't settle like the rest

His best friend's a book and the mall in his room
Hanging out in chapters with nothing to do
And all that he hears is 'What's wrong with you?"
Now leave it alone"
-Limp

Well, I didn't skip math, but I did skip lunch and gave it away to a buddy!

My job this year is a dream...and am hoping to make it a dream for the kids as well. In my Comm Arts class yesterday we tried putting words into sentences.

"Mrs. X...how do I put this word into a sentence????

Generous: ( I whisper with the intent to gather eavesdroppers)...Mrs. X is the most generous person I know...they all chuckle

Sophisticated: ( I say it a bit louder)...Mrs. X is so sophisticated that her presence alone causes a glow...they laugh out loud

Haste: (I use my outside voice)...Mrs. X will not complete her gradebook in haste, therefore we must be extra nice to her...they fall out of their chairs

I do believe they are beginning to understand the way I operate my classroom!

Today we created news articles on the computer to describe an event in our mystery novel...
Dead Man Found In Indian Creek
Boys Discover Mystery In Town's Own Backyard
Mrs. X Creates Difficult Assignment. Students Protest In Disgust.

Glad to see they also have a sense of humor!

It's funny...I just rewatched the movie TITANIC...and the old woman, Rose, states that a womans heart is full of secrets that no one will ever know.

I agree.
Sometimes I don't even know what is all in there.

Edit Me Please!

Patience Courage
Originally uploaded by roamin.

With 17 a senior this year, I just spent the last half hour editing his Social Issues paper on a speech by Martin Luther King Jr.
He thanked me....in between scrolling through his iPod library and IMing his buddies.
Every time I look at him, I come away with a different Impression.

Guess i need a bit of Patience and Courage!

Couldn't Care More-Fine Young Cannibals

Gerbera's
Originally uploaded by Willyjeen.

I live my life by being kind to others and hoping they will do the same. Often it is not what I expect. I go out of my way to smile at people that I do not know. I do kind things out of the blue...with no expectation for it to be returned. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that these kind acts make ME happy...not what others may do for me, or what I may expect in return. Sometimes good things happen to me out of the blue...but not as often as I would like. (There are good days of surprises that roam in from friends!)

Today I really just laid around. I went food shopping and then watched a football game on TV. I had a few glasses of wine and took a bath. I now lay up on my bed watching TV again. Fall seasons and the return of work bring on a different schedule than summer. Although I am happy that the heat is not as intense, the darkness falls earlier than I would like and causes me to become sleepy.

I have not seen or talked to some of my favorite friends in a while. I have not been to a concert in what seems like ages, and I have not slept in as late as I care to in the last three weeks. My black cat has been in my home for two months now. She comes out from under the bed a bit more than before, but what I long for is to hold her and to snuggle up to something that returns the favor. She will have nothing to do with that. I lure her with treats and toys, but it is to no avail...she glares at me with her emerald green eyes and causes me to yearn for something more. I am afraid that I just may return her to the shelter she came from, as the last person had. She has NEVER come downstairs on her own, and when I carry her down, she just bolts, and runs back up the in fear. The dog watches her in disbelief, wondering why she does not accept my affection and learn to live with a cuddle and a hug. I wonder as well.

Finally, I have a deep scar in my soul. Nothing is wrong, but nothing seems right....and it leaves me empty inside.

I am sorry if the weeks seem long and our conversations do not. I will try to spend more time on this machine, but work is overwhelming. This week, the teacher I work closely with and I will get two more students, bringing our caseload up to 23. There is not enough time in the day or space the classroom to keep them all apart from themselves and their raging hormones. I do so enjoy working with this other teacher, but we are both losing our minds!!!

All of this and Nothing...it seems as if time passes me by, and then I realize that....I couldn't care more.

"I'm alright
Minding my own business"
-Fine Young Cannibals

Speed of Sound-Coldplay

Speeding?
Originally uploaded by Age Wild.

Did I do this one already?
I am not sure. But I am tired and have thoughts at the exact same time.
A friend described a picture, a vision, to me today. It was one of birds, and so much more... flocking from a tree. He described it so clearly, that I felt as if the imaginary photograph was clutched in my hand. It made me feel like a bird, as I was this weekend, flocking from a tree, with all of my friends, but wanting to veer so very far away. Wanting to be alone. Hide in a nest.

We all took a road trip. I was supposed to be interested, but could not engage.
I was supposed to be fun, but could not engage. I was supposed to...but I just couldn't.

Flight at the speed of sound....
So very fast that no one would notice my change in direction.
I wanted to disappear
Speeding....away

This Photograph Is Proof-Taking Back Sunday

exitPN
Originally uploaded by sfbuckaroo.

Yep...
THis is Proof...
I have Exited
Existence
....

I have plans
That TAKE me Away...

Sorry to Say.....

I'll miss Some of You;((

(This is not really as sad as it may seem....will return...hopefully...reFreshed!)

Into The White-Pixies

Near
Originally uploaded by roamin.

I am slipping down this icy road...
tonight, Here
in my space where a thermometer dares me that it is about 80 degrees, and as my Temperature rises with anger and pain....I desperatly need a snowbank....for my vehicle to SLAM into.

A thunderstorm hits, both Inside and Out of this house that may look like a home to Others, but is in psychological need of a mediator. I, am not the one.

Arguements displace in Surround Sound as 17 puts on his armor for another round of.....hmmmm...17.

I am at a lack of words to describe the events of the evening that have brought me here....a fresh pac of cigs, another Miller Lite, and a pit sinking so deep into my stomach that I dare not check the scale...

What starts out as a discussion of shaving his head for an upcoming state Cross Country meet turns into a whirlwind of teenage angst and hormonal displacement. I shiver, in the 80 degree nightfall, trembling at cruel words and accusations of betrayal that he spits upon me. My own professional position with such emotionally charged teens is nothing compared to my postion with him....sevenTEEN.

14 closes the door to his room.

After an hour or so of verbal and emotional abuse,
I give up...
Give up on justifying my reasoning and ultimate parental control
Give up on attempts at clarifying his vision
Give up on keeping H and 17 from killing eachother
Give up on myself
Give up on my life
Give up on almost everything that makes me me
Give up

Drive down an Icy road

Drive into a snowbank
Drive into the WHITE

Driving myself Out of My MIND

Wanted-Cranberries

I've only sad stories to tell to this town. My dreams have withered and died."
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

I have Wanted Many things in my life...
Many Never to be Received...

I have Favorite ThINGS as well
...a few

(Last page first...)
Getting ready for vacation

Standing in a long line and striking up fun conversation instead of getting fidgety, and then when you get to the front, being really nice to the clerk

Helping someone old, even if it’s just with a smile

Making someone’s day

Someone making mine

...................
I guess I have always WANTED...
this Town has not PROVIDED
and DREAMING
is getting OLD

Tonight, instead of driving away when things got rough...I just planted myself on the patio, with a bottle of red and a full pac of cigarettes....
Here is how I saw it...

17-Coach said I need a new pair of trainers
ME- ok...I can take you later
17- I need to go now
ME-I guess so...but only $50 for them
17-No way...you can't get anything good for that
ME-Then you pay the rest
17-No Way
ME-I guess I will pay more if you keep running Varsity, but you can not choose to run down to JV if asked...you are good...keep running Varsity
17-F*** you, I can CHOOSE what I want
ME-Then I CHOOSE not to pay ANYTHING
17-DAD.......take me to get shoes
ME-(SILENCE)...for the rest of the night:((

I AM PLANNING a vacation...
-Costa Rica
or
-Punta Cana?

ALONE

Speed of Sound-Coldplay

strange waters
Originally uploaded by ghostbones.

My mind has been "Speeding" Today...
Many thoughts
Many Songs...
Roam (that is intentional if you're wondering)
Throughout my head

Took a drive tonight
needed to get away....
FAST
Drove far ...to the river
and walked out to it's bank...
smoking
sitting
so still

Strangly enough
far away from home as well
a former high school student of mine
and some of his friends had the same idea
(I guess it's a popular spot)

He said "Hey"
"I thought of you the other day. Have been listening to some Interpol...realizing what a cool band they are...and remembering that you once told us that you saw them in concert....realizing what a cool person you must have been...there in front of my eyes every day...and never realized it."

How f***in' cool is that?
I felt good enough to go Home.
Stayed within the Speed Limit
Heart wants to Race, however

Didn't jump into the river after all!

Trying to stay above Water
So I get home and drink
RUM


"How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?"
-Coldplay

Dig Your Grave-Modest Mouse

"He was a leg man open to offers" -Elvis Costello
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

A large Street Festival last night makes me look back and giggle. Reuninting with long lost friends and Lovers....while others make New.

All in all, I was the one that had interests in meeting someone new....but alas, it was not to be. H usually enjoys being flirted with by all of My Old Friends....but on a warm September evening, after returning from a portable toilet (ewww!) I spied him leaning up against a concrete divider...hit upon by two blondes in their 20's. This was More than intriguing to me. I stood in the distance for over 20 minutes watching.

When the desperate need for more beer money hit, I decided to wander over, pretend I was his sister and ask for some extra cash. Slowly leaving the scene of the crime with a twenty in hand....I drank up more than just ONE beer...and later on, watching him return to me....I just couldn't control myself. Smirk and all, smeared upon my face, I concocted relentless jokes and digs about his Mid Life Crisis Event.

He always did like blondes!

Today, I am happy to be sitting at home alone. H is at his Sunday Soccer game with "the Team", and the boys are out and about.

Football Sunday...I am ready to determine whether my favorite Green Bay Packers will be worthy of the little amount of free time the start of the school year leaves me.

Will they did their own graves?
Did H dig His?

I think I shall just take a drive and find a pretty plot for myself!

Highlife-Counting Crows

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

So I'm OVER him
But I still see HIM around...
My World never came to an End
After All

Does he See me?
Sure
But Both souls have moved on
and Over eachother

At first I looked for him everywhere I went. I bumped into him at a bar with his new wife. She was so well kept that I felt like a waif...
Orphaned and ready to Steal away.

We smiled and made small talk. Then it happened more often...in a park at an Easter Egg hunt, at the annual Polar Bear swim on New Year's Day, at Summerfest, At Italian Fest, at Street festivals and Church festivals...and everyonce in a while I go out to lunch in the summer with a girlfriend or two and see him at his restaurant. He inherited it from his grandmother, turning his Engineering degree worthless. It is quite a posh place, where his wife feels quite comfortable I am sure...Highlife.

I guess his memory just sticks with me at times...ignoring the cruel way he left. Such an emotional rescue for a girl who needed to be saved....such an act of Throwing me Off of a Bridge. In the long run, I can clearly see, that we would have never really made it last. He lives on Lake Drive in a mansion of a home....I'm just a girl with simple tastes....no HIGHLIFE...unless it's a product of Miller Brewing!

I'd never give up my memories....but I have given Up "AUSTRALIA"...
He is Yesterday
I have Tomorrow

Mental Note: I guess if he offered it, I would reach out for a really Big Hug.

"Waiting for the trains that just never come
Beginning to believe in
the disappearing nature of the people we have been
We have begun to change into the worst kind of people
So unkind
Oh apologies, no apologies, this apology
Doesn't describe the way it feels to feel for you.

Waiting here for you
Wanting to tell you
How I find myself slowly disappearing too
Just the way you do
I thought if I told you
You might want to help me to remain with you

I just wanna stay for a little while
I wanna stay for a little while"
-Counting Crows

Stranded-Alien Ant Farm

"I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year."
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

So he left me...to Australia...never to be seen...for 6 whole years. I thought my life would end. I wanted my life to end. I waited for my life to end. But it didn't....it went on...sadly. A wild and fun girl on campus (but still living at home) turned into a quietly depressed circus clown...stumbling from class to class with a painted on frown for all to see. I do not really think that ALL saw...cuz no one was looking in my direction after all.

Years pass....but...One summer at the "World's Biggest Music Festival" in a crowd of over 500,000, as I hobble towards a beer stand, sporting a cast from my buttocks to ankle (knee surgery), I hear his voice.

Did I mention it was a crowd of over 500,000? Did I mention that I was not Looking my best?

I turned around to see him...sparkling eyes, smile so big. I froze. I did not have a clue what to do. I had tried to forget about him but could never allow it. By this time I was married and out of school....but that voice...in a crowd of over 500,000.

I watched him walking with his friends for almost a block...and then I let him go...never speaking...never smiling for him. I remember that day as well as if I had taken a picture. I remember exactly what I was wearing. I wanted to talk to him but could not move my lips to speak.

He was back from Australia.
Now how would I ever find out what he was doing here?
I was Stranded with my own thoughts.

Into The SUn-Lifehouse

Ulu roo
Originally uploaded by Big Trippy Nathan.

He was as perfect as I had ever known
Smile so wide...all over me.
He waited quietly in the backdrop
Until I became free of another...
And then the dance began...
His arm slipped around my waist at a party with a quarterbarrel in the darkness of a park...my senior year...him just a junior, but merely 4 months younger. (25 years later...I still think of him on his birthday and secretly whisper his name)

Funny, there was once a time when he would walk down a science hallway, or into a crowded room at a weekend party and I never even saw him in a light that reflected love or the slightest curiosity of it. But once he peeked out, into my romantic view, covering me with kisses and showering me with a soft daze of warmth...wrapped up in his arms... I never wanted to let him go....little did I know...he would spin me around in circles so deep, only to dangle ME loose later...down the road...no warning signs.

We dated furiously for almost two years...it seemed like forever...what I wanted it to be. I broke HIS virginity on the night of my Senior Prom at the Pfister Hotel...our own room...marble floors, feather bed. Historic

He fast and soon became a silent savior. On evenings when my parents were relentlessly fighting and out of control...he would pull up in his orange Cutlass, soft horn, signaling my release... into the night.
Some evenings we would just park, and sleep it out in the front seat on a dead end street with windows cracked. Others, we would find a hotel, sometimes surprising me, trying to take away my mind, we would take different paths out of town...soaking in surroundings unfamiliar. He was a photographer....with a lens as deep as his heart, and I would give anything for the photos he took of me....pulling the darkness away from my very own soul and spirit.

One day, out of the blue, he spoke words that turned me numb. He didn't want to be with me. I was in college and he had other plans. A teacher was not to be in them. He picked up and left......INTO the SUN...moved to Australia..going to school hmself, a distance so very far away. That night lasted for 6 long years. Never a word or a glimpse of him. GONE

I will see him this weekend.
I will BLOG about the years gone by.
It did not end there...but for now my time is up.

"It's been a while since you last saw me
One breaks down and the other runs free
These eyes can see the days break
Too late for the other's mistakes

Sit down laugh thinking what have we done
Let me inside
Is it all over before it's begun
Please give me some time

Cause we are running into the sun
Getting close to something into the sun
You know that we're falling
We're falling back into the sun"
-Lifehouse

Afternoons and Coffee Spoons-Crash Test Dummies

So i used to drink my coffee Black.
Now this summer, because it was soooo HOT
I put milk in it
And then,
Not wanting to use up all the Milk
I bought a pint of Half and Half
and realized
It is so Creamy...
...Dreamy
I use it all the Time

I had some more Tonight
Mmmmmm.......

And speaking of Creamy
Dreamy

I had to assist in a math class this AFTERNOON
A Brand New teacher
Having a few Problems with some unRuly teens
Requiring my Expertise.......

He is Young
Cute...in a wierd way
and FUN

And get THIS....

He goes to the RAVE
as well!

Talking about Tickets to see Audioslave
I gave him the secret password for Presale

Funny....it seems....
I MUST seem so OLD
but still so
YOUNG
and at times it just doesn't MATTER

"Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pajamas in the daytime
Afternoons will be measured out
Measured out, measured with
Coffeespoons
...and T.S. Eliot"
-Crash Test Dummies

Where Is My MInd?-Pixies

FIRE ATC
Originally uploaded by Vaguely Artistic.

A routine? Who am I kidding?

I awoke extremely EARLY this morning...like 3 AM, with terrible CramPs and a headache from the "big Bottle of Wine" the night before. So I am up taking a steaming hot bath in the dark. Back to bed...no sleep until, of course, I the alarm blares. DAMN

I finally put some CD's in the car before pulling away this time....some tunes to get me ready for the day. Park the car...stroll through the "tunnel" that smells like gasoline and oil and yesterday's lunch menu.
Mental Note: Stay away from tunnel on mornings with Hangover....which may be MOST!

Smile and say HI...check mailbox and voicemail...rush off to first class.

Actually ate in the teacher's lounge today...with some of the "women". Not my idea of Great Conversation, but it was alright while devouring chicken nuggets and apple....Strawberry Milk is quite Yummy!

The worst part is the terrible traffic jam at the end of the day. Must find alternative route home....or just stop at a bar until it blows over!

Now, I lay upstairs in an empty house...boys are at CC practice...H still at work.

Think I will crack open another Wine...and try to find my MIND!

"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind?"
-Pixies

On The Roof Again-Eve 6

A Tire D'aile
Originally uploaded by anideg.

I arrive home from work
Very TIred
Very Hungry
...did I say I was Tired?
Yes

Something about the beginning of the school year that totally drains me. Yesterday I took a two hour nap...rewoke at around 6:30...ran to Mc Donalds to pick up "dinner" for the kids and just collapsed again. WOke up extra early today for an extra early staff meeting....run, run, run.

Today I feel the need to do the same...maybe with a bottle or two of red wine. I told H that it is odd...how in the summer I can stay up till 1 or 2 in the morning and get up nice and fresh...but with work I can not....He pointed out that the summer days of lounging in T's pool and laying on the couch are not neccesarily draining. For once...I agreed with him!

I am having fun with all of the new people at work...and one special guidance counselor...but with so many things spinning inside my head...I find my tired feet taking me fast to the stairwell...wanting to climb the stairs to the roof...jumping...arms flailing. No one there quite knows me yet...wearing a mask of secrets I wander the halls...have not ventured into the teachers lounge for lunch yet, breaking a promise to myself I eat in my room at the computer.

At least...being back at work...I have little time to stress myself with the thoughts around the house. Not that those thoughts were stressfull...just alluring enough to take me to THE ROOF.

I am finding less time to spend here on the computer...and Black Cat requires a few positive strokes on her back.

Later
Need to eat and take a nap!

A Message-Coldplay

Light of Dreams
Originally uploaded by roamin.

I Gaze out Many Windows
But as I Do
I Dream...

Always something so different to See
so different to Dream
to BE

With this new job I find myself making many new friends...but sometimes the ones you really need are not found standing in front of you...

Standing in a Light of Dreams
People reach Out
and find Hidden Messages!

Stella Was A Diver And She Was Always DOWN

I sat tonight
Listening to all of the Cd's
Of the concerts that I attended this summer

And now that it is
Fall

I am Falling

DreamGirl-Dave Matthews Band

Fallen angel
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

Well...My family...'Team Red' did not win the tournament yesterday, but did take home a prize for those whose teenagers were most fun and entertaining to be with. You see out of all of my friends, L, T, I, and my own family...we all have a 17...isn't that wierd? We also all either have a 14 and a 13. We also all have two kids, except for I who has three, which it makes it diffi ult to travel with them becuase they are alway griping about having to get two seperate rooms. So besides the Bocci Ball games and the Chicken Wing Cook Off we also have prizes for the most fun teens...mine were gold. See...that is my life however.

EVERYTHING LOOKS SO DAMN GOOD ON THE OUTSIDE THAT NO ONE BELIEVES MY INSIDE...
CAUSING ME TO EITHER THINK I AM CRAZY OR TO GO CRAZY/CRAZIER JUST TO PROVE IT ALL TO THEM.

So...I guess my teens being happy and fun in a crowd of my friends is a "Dream"!!

Speaking of Dreams...I woke up this morning with this strange feeling...knowing that feeling only comes from a stranger place...a dream.

In a NUTSHELL...I wanted this person inside of my dream very much...had gone to great lengths to get him into my space. Once invited over and ascending the stairs...I notice that he has brought along another guest, one who was NOT invited. I am disappointed, but know that she must leave. Unsure of how I manage getting her out of my apartment...to have HIM all to myself....even though things are going very well...sparks fly...yeah yeah yeah...BUT...even in my own Dream...I can still tell that he wants someone else.

I woke feeling like that...the feeling of despair and hope it does not stay with me all day...that feeling does not feel very good.

I want to fall upon a bed of feathers and dream of good things, of being in someone's dreams maybe?

"Caught by a wave
My back to the ocean
It knocks me off my feet and
Just as I find my footing
Here you come again
Dreamgirl, aww Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl"
DMB

Slip Away-The Love Monkeys

Lovers
Originally uploaded by Hadjek.

As Summer Slips Away
We gather with friends for the annual
Labor Day
Bocci Ball Tournament...
Families pitted against Families
In L's backyard
Only to culminate in the annual
Chicken Wing Cook OFf
(I am fixing Carribean Jerk)
and unlimited alcoholic beverages.

Labor Day thoughts...

Labor/Work: I love my job soooo much that I can not believe that they pay me for it!
Mental Note:...Check back on that thought in about a month.

Labor/Childbirth: Hard to believe that I have two kids and have never been in Labor! Both 17 and 14 were slit from my womb with different situations...followed by large doses of Morphine
Was it all worth it...check back on that thought as well!

Labor/Sufferage: My mind Labors around in circles regarding defeats of the days. Glad to be out of the house more that around it, 17 balances on a thin beam, which requires me to drink "Jim Beam".
14 is soon to turn 15, grasping on to any piece of independence that he can.
H SLIPS AWAY more and more causing me to remove myself from situations that are out of my control. Suffering inside my own circle of thought...Pain Killers may take the form of my own exotic daydreams.

Dangling on the edge of a pier
...my feet have places to roam.