Say Goodbye-Dave Matthews Band

Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

It's gonna be an entire Year
Since I was lying in bed
and discovered Blogging
while watching TV
the Today Show

Today
I contemplate whether or not to continue
It is therapy
but a painful one at that
But it gave me a voice
That I never would have used before

and.....

I've met people here
Some very Special
Friends

I'm not quite sure what to do

Escape....as if I never Existed

Into The White-Pixies

our winter flurries
Originally uploaded by • pearl grace.

Love this picture.....
And while standing out on the patio tonight
Gazing at WHITE
I thought back to the summer
Warm
Hot
Summer

It all looks so different Now
the Scenery.....that is

Not the LIfe

A few guys have made me Smile today
on a Day I thought I had none left

Needy Student....
saved me a seat in Art class
and everyone else Flocked to his table

Mr. Math...
Told me ALL of his classes were going well today
Said we should go out and Celebrate
I had other obligations
But it still made me feel wanted

The Postman....
No bills
Just happy Hellos
and PIXIE
Dreams

my advent calendat =2005.12.07=
Originally uploaded by yoshiko_314.

Tell me Virginia,
Why are you so very sad at Christmas?

Well....
NOthing seems to be as perfect as the commercials say they should be

and to tell you the Truth...
While making the stupid Raspberry Jello that I need to bring to work for the faculty luncheon tomorrow...
all of the raspberry juice splattered onto the cute Maui hoodie that I was wearing and stained the Crap out of it.
If that isn't enough...the stupid door decorating contest at work isn't going very well
and...
when trying to do a load of pre-Christmas laundry...that includes my Maui hoodie...one of each of my pairs of socks fell on the stairs on the way down and I didn't notice it until the fancy new washer H bought me was LOCKED...who ever heard of a wash machine locking in the first place?

Geeezzzzzz Santa,
why do you think I am stressed?
Do I buy Everyone at work a gift...
or just those that I really like?

And I still do not have a gift for my Uncle

Damn.....

Nothing is sparkely

I am FREAKING OUT here!

Blue Christmas

Blue Christmas
Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

Busy Busy Blue....

I had a very difficult time composing this year's Christmas letter that gets inserted into the cards of the Holiday season this year. I even had a hard time exerting the energy to get out the holiday cards in time for the mail.

Cards from others filter in each day...surprises from the postman.
Inside are cute pictures of kids, pets, and families. Others contain that long drawn out letter that brags never ending about the events of that familys year.

Wouldn't it be funny to send a depressing Christmas card...something that totally shocked each person that opened it.

Hello friends,
Or should I even call you that since we have not seen you all year? I know you haven't stopped by, cuz I've been sitting at home each and every day...waiting for someone to visit.
It hasn't been easy this year, with "Johnny" just returning home from the juvenille detention center. It seemed like he was doing well until last week when he killed the cat. I guess we will have to spend the remainder of our unemployment checks on more treatment for him. Don't worry now, "Bob's job has promised to hire him back once he proves that he is straight and sober. It is just his heroine addiction I am concerned about right now. Spending these last few months stuck in the house without a job has brought back some of his anger issues as well, but now that "Johnny" is back, the two of them can fight it out...as long as they don't break any of my familiy heirlooms. You did hear that I received all of my mom's precious glassware after she passed away this year, didn't you?
Little "Susie" is the strong one in the family. She seems to be able to ignore all of the problems around here. She just locks herself up in her room after school each day, working on her computer all night. There are times she doesn't even come down for dinner. She is so very thin, but can fit into an attractive waredrobe. She has received some very nice clothes from a new "friend" she has met on the internet. They plan to meet over the Christmas break...I'm sure he is a very nice person. She spent the summer with her boyfriend and his skateboarding buddies...came home with some cute tatoos and body piercings as well. She has such good judgement.
I am doing very well. "Bob" never found out about the affair that I had this spring. Lucky for me, the terrible car accident I was involved in caused such awful facial scars that the boyfriend won't be back around to spill the beans of the secret relationship.

Hope all is well with you and your family.
Be sure to stop by this year...OK?

Hmmmmmmm......
WOuldn't you just love to do this?

The Teacher-Big Country

Originally uploaded by anideg.

I know a girl
who is quite depressed
and the only one she speaks to
and shares her thoughts with
is me

Today
she showed me her journal
and I worry
for her

I told her that I
would share my own poems as well

and she smiled

Ha!

As if this depression of my own
could
be useful
...
and cause someone to smile

....
I knew I was put here for a purpose
To swing on a swing
and share
and help
If I can

Until I Fall Away-Gin Blossoms

Driani
Originally uploaded by iéiéié.

Gonna try my very best to look at this world I am spinning in differently tonight.

Another dinner...but with a small group
...just H and I

"We need to get out of this house by ourselves," he speaks, "Maybe it is just what we need."

I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to think.
I have no idea what he is gonna say...

I bet he is just gonna have a good dinner

and what I think is a great big gesture
is just a dinner


"I want to tell if I am or am not myself
It’s hard to know
How far or if at all could go
I’ve waited far too long
For something I forgot was wrong
I don’t know all the answers
I think that I’ll find
Or have it within the time
But it’s all that I’ll have in mind
Until I fall away
----
When there’s no good answers
And no new questions
Another personal disaster
There’s nowhere to go but down..."
_Gin Blossoms

Total Eclipse of the Heart-Bonnie Tyler

Red Sun
Originally uploaded by dulcelife.

He dines on 7 course meals
She searches the fridge for an appetite

He approaches the podium as Keynote Speaker
She finds patience with a child and double-digit addition

He carries a briefcase through a heated parking garage
She slings a backpack across her shoulder past a school bus

He blocks off areas on the family calendar for himself
She surprises them with thoughtful itineraries

He stocks the wine cellar
She drifts away
….
She catches herself involuntarily wincing when she hears his voice in the hallway, or when he cups her elbow to steal her from a crowd, or when he tells an anecdote she is required to appreciate. Sometimes she feels a rising panic she had previously known only in dreams, in which she was suffocating in a small space, or trying to run from a terrible danger, but her legs were unaccountably disabled.

She wonders and sometimes secretly wishes that the turmoiled teen that dwells in the house were gone…far away, and that their life would be somewhat different. Would there be so much to disagree about? Would there be so much hurt in her eyes from the pain of promises unkept?

Her wondering stops. She enters the house and the pain rises up inside her again…no need to wonder anymore. For the signs of an uncaring heart, or a heart that only cares for the teen is apparent in each glance from room to room. On the way home from shopping just the other day, he grabbed for her hand in one gentle motion. It surprised her, but still, it felt warm, as if he had felt sorrow for all of the things he had said, or had not said. But each time and time again…they enter the house as different people with different needs. His is a need to have his sons love him and to do anything to gain that from them, and hers just to be left alone.

"Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart"

ONLY ONE TITLE FILLS MY HEAD NOW

don't eat the yellow snow
Originally uploaded by ratterrell.

I don't want to go here today
I Really Don't

Even if i do
I refuse to buy anything out of my way for 18
or H...for that matter

If 18 swears at me or belittles me anymore
I think I will be the ONE jumping off a cliff in the
SNOW

And if H talks nice to him about snowboarding and movies and computers and such....right after he just hears 18 swear at and belittle me....
Well....
I just don't know what I will do then:((

Last night on the way to the party ...I told H how much it hurts me that he continues to be HAPPY with 18, all the while he witnesses his disgusting behavior towards me...
I asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed...If I had a daughter that screamed at him and swore at him, and threw his things all around the house in a rage....and if all the while I just kept planning shopping sprees and lunches and fun mother/daughter stuff...and seconds after the daughter busted him down to tears and feelings of suicide...I just asked her if she liked my shoes or just went on being happy with her. I asked him this on the way to the party last night.

He said...hmmmm...Let me recall Exactly how he put it....."I would handle it on my own, just like you should." Or something to that tune.

And then my song came on the radio.
And then I gazed out the window.
And then I cried inside...cuz I couldn't smudge my face with mascara

But now...this morning...if I have to go, I just wanna go to the grocery store and buy yogurt and coffee and tuna and bread and milk and Ramen noodles...cuz if I LIVED ALONE..away from them...that is all I would need to buy...and grocery shopping wouldn't be such a drag.

my advent calendar =2005.12.10=
Originally uploaded by yoshiko_314.

Parties...
make me sad
I think
I look
I gaze
At all of the people
dressed up in pretty clothes

and standing by one of the multiple bars in the lobby
after salad and soup and steak and some sorta dessert that i can not identify...but it must be good cuz it has all those pretty drizzly things on the plate...served by waiters in black and white and silvery covered plates...I find a guy

from Belgium
with an accent who stands by me and smokes and smiles and makes me feel good inside
but I know not to fall

Cuz at the smoking table nearest to me
with a cocktail in hand
is another girl in a
sparkly dress

and she smiles with sparkly white teeth

Deep down...I recognize her from fab summer Condo parties
and places where people show off
so I know
That SHE is gonna make Sven very happy for the night....

And the band plays on
and the guests dance
and I go back and watch from a very pretty table...
........Smile
but deep down Inside
I just wanna get back home
....skip the prize drawings for round trip airfare
.....and Box seats for Bucks games

and listen to a song
and Float into a
Dream

When I get home.......I listen to it for hours

Over and Over Again

"Jumped" on the other computer and
Found just what I was looking for

And now I am sadder than before

It reminds me of sadness
I wonder if it is supposed to?

You're Beautiful-James Blunt

Psyche and Cupid ~ Louvre
Originally uploaded by tawfique.

I am being reminded of this song
in different places
that Take me Away

And today...
on the radio
in the parking lot of a gas station
before I ran in for cigs and a cappuccino
I heard it again

I had to wait for it to end
And it made me cry

I had to wait to compose myself
Before going in...
and I hadn't had a smoke for 3 hours.

When I got home
I deferred the smoke again
to get online and find the video
But my system does not support
the venue

and I feel Lost


"My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you."
-James Blunt

Fix You-Coldplay

Originally uploaded by lapinfille.

My heart
My head
My crazy thoughts

They think...
unceasingly...

I look around here and wonder what it is that makes me so terribly unhappy. Could it be the 9 pairs of skateboard shoes that lay in my way each and every day I enter through the door. The jacket and backpack that sit up on the newest couch that I have asked be left without clutter? The soda cans and St. Nick wrappers that never make it to the garbage can? The relentless agony and bombardment of questions that have already been answered by "NO"? The taunting, the teasing, the triumphant display when I finally break down and cry? The constant fact that the dryer door should be shut but is always left open? The fact that an alarm does not wake him, and when I do, I get my head bit off? The fact that there is never an apology for the destructive behaviors?

And that is just from one member that I live with. If I put the other issues down in writing I will have to face the text. I can't do that right now...maybe never.

The cat puked on my bed last night. I never even noticed it until the morning, when I threw back the covers to get up and get dressed. It grossed me out and made me feel as if even she had no respect for me.
I slept like crap and have been for the last few nights. But this last night I was up every hour or so. Tossing and turning, I finally went down and took a shower at 3 am.
Upon my return upsatirs, I was questioned where I went.
"Gee, I jumped in the car, took a ride to the lake and jumped in. Oh Yeah, I stopped at the store and spent all of your money on frivilous items that only I can appreciate...then I jumped in the lake."

What does he think I did?
My heart thinks unceasingly.
Nothing can Fix me

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
-Coldplay

Sleep Better-Pete Yorn

Video Genitallica
Originally uploaded by molcatron.

H had a dream
at 5 am
this morning

he expalined it to me today
The REAL part was that I sat up straight
in bed
and yelled, "Why are you looking at me"
and he opened his eyes...himself....looking across at me in bed
In the darkness
Someone stood over me...
in fear he closed his eyes
in Intrigue
he opened his eyes...
and saw him again
Standing over me
...and the image left
slowly.....

The cat had jumped off of the bed
I have no recollection of anything

But he remembers
someone
watching me sleep

I often scream out in my Sleep
...............
Wondering who will watch over me Tonight

Tangerine-Led Zeppelin

Tangerine Dream (2)
Originally uploaded by Aldor.

Feeling sorta ORANGE today
Like a Tangerine!!!!!

The inside of Mango
Bright Summer Sundress
Glasses of orange Juice
Without Pulp is best

A flame or a Carrot
New blooms Marigold
The brave of my courage
So constant and Bold

A great happy day
The fur of a Fox
The brightest of crayons
Fresh out of a box

An orange ball of sunset
Or favorite on Flickr
THe sweet dew of raindrops
On my bright orange SlickR

I guess I am feeling quite silly and
ORANGE!!!!

The Killer Inside-Better Than Ezra

Simonetta Vespucci
Originally uploaded by ART NAHPRO.

It's not Like he's Mean or Violent or Cruel
Like my dad...
He was ALL of that and more

It's just........................... VOID
and the Cruel thing is
That he doesn't even Know it
No one KNows It

And I'm all Boxed IN
And it Must be ME
Cuz no one else can See

"The lights go down
And the clouds are building outside
You close the door and turn the key
But there's no place to hide"
-Better Than Ezra

Sunday papers-Joe jackson

In total distress
I checked the paper
and pulled a few coupons

I hit the mall
and wandered
Listening to Others
shopping for gifts
"Don't ya think she will like this?" They asked eachother.
I came very close
to a purchase for myself
a soft heather grey and winter white sweater
with snowflakes
(not like this but in the same department)

Ralph Lauren
$165
even with the discount coupon I toted in hand
I could not do it...

I touched it
and everything else around it
The Healther grey sweater
the Winter white corduroys
The blushing pink cashmere
I touched all of it...
Then I left empty handed..

On the way out
I strolled through the mens department
Touching sweaters there as well
Wishing I had someone who needed a purchase...
and then....
The cologne counter caught me

Hugo Boss
...a spray on my arm
...a spritz on a white card to carry home in my pocket
and I lay here on my bed
engulfed in it

Stopped on the way home
got stuff for St Nick
My stocking will remain empty.

Numb-Linkin Park

Documenting time spent sitting in the kitchen becomes quite depressing....
but I am starting to figure out what SHE was staring at
smoke filled room
Flowers-bought by herself
Window Panes-holding her in

Hands...wrinkles...reflections of self
Crumbs on a table
A Car that awaits
her Escape
her Shoes
her Floor
an Open door

What's holding her back?
a Fear
a Change
a Child my age?
Just run
Take a chance
It can't be as bad as this

I contemplate heading out in the car
the Desire to RUN
yet I am stuck in the kitchen chair
With her, yet she is many miles away....
and I am going Numb.....

"I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you"
-Linkin Park